eyes wide shut unopen

There are times when I am so aggravated with all of this. I want the freedom to do something crazy, to do what I want. Every serious decision I make has to be made with my family in mind. I splurge on what I buy now sometimes because the time in which I will have disposable cash is ever shortening. When I graduate, I will have loans to pay off and my parents to support. I'm sure that their cash reserves will last a bit, but I'm relying on those now to get me through school and my parents through life until I graduate. They will need to buy another house. Or if they live in an apartment, that will cost money too. And sure, this house will sell for something, but still.

There will need to be someone to take care of them, someone to clean, someone to make sure they eat. Help is expensive. Or I'll have to be there to do it. They drive me crazy. I can't bear to be around them. I'm so resentful, I think I really need to see someone, because I just hate this.


It's just, what about my life? What if I want to move in with someone? I can't leave this goddamn house. After I graduate, how am I supposed to pay back my loans, live with someone and contribute my half of the household/apartmenthold, and support my parents? Who the fuck is going to want to be with me and my baggage? It's not like there's anything I can do about it. I'm responsible for them. Who would wait for that? What if I miss out on everything I want because I can't take the steps I want to to sustain a meaningful relationship- because I'm tied down to all of this?

Ugh, this is awful. They're my parents and all I can is resent them. And this is just a huge mess of self pity. Who needs someone to love them, anyway?

More self pity. I'm sorry, I'm just so angry


EDIT:

Oh well. What am I going to do? Everyone else deserves to live their lives too. No one else should have to be dragged down by this and me. I'll figure something out. Being alone won't kill me. I have my whole life. My brothers may be sick. I'm not. It's my responsibility to take care of our parents. Nothing else I can do