i'll give it as fast and as high as the flame will rise

Today I deleted Phil's number from my phone. It was entirely an accident; I was trying to delete just one number from his contact numbers and it ended up deleting the whole entry. I stared at my phone for about a minute. On one hand, why do I need the number anymore? Because of his psychotic girlfriend who keeps him on such a short leash it's a wonder he doesn't choke and because of my complete apathy, there's no reason I'd want to contact him again. Not that I can think of. I thought about re-adding it, as I don't delete any of the numbers in my phone. I figure it might always come in handy. I know the number now but I'm sure I'll forget it soon. It would figure that I can remember the number but not to do things when I should do them. Like go to sleep or leave my house.

It's just...odd. It's only hitting me now how far away I am from who I was a year ago. The reason I wanted to delete one contact number was because my phone was mistakenly attributing texts from Chrissy to Phil, as she was IMing me, but it was saying that Phil was sending them. When I first opened my phone and it said NEW TEXT FROM PHIL my first thought was of a complete letdown-- Damn, it's not who I wanted it to be from . 

Obviously a year ago that was my very favorite screen to see. Now it simply inspires mild curiosity. I'm also more confident and....I don't know, different. Last year- or really, two years ago- I would have bent over backwards for my friends, particularly Jamie. I went out of my way every time. Not that I won't do that now- I'm still hopelessly devoted to my friends- but there's this line now where I do do stuff for me. My friends might be my primary concern, but I'm no longer a very far away third. I recognize that at a certain point I need to be there for myself too. This has not gone over well with Jamie. It comes off as self-absorption, apparently. 

See, this is a very boring, melodramatic and high school-y post, but I'll try my best to make it more about the abstract concepts. 

I stuck by her through everything. I resent very deeply that I stuck by her, but now that I'm not living up to her ideal that, she seems all too willing to just let our friendship go. I don't blame her for what she did and I don't think because she acted badly that I should be able to do as I please. I do however feel as if she owes me, sort of. Like, you let someone cut in front of you in bumper to bumper traffic even though it inconveniences you. You don't do it because you expect anything in return. However, should there be a situation in which you need to cut in front of them, they should be willing to oblige this. You allowing them to cut you does not mean you are justified in cutting them off 'just cause', but they should be more lenient than another driver because you did the same for them.

It's exactly the same thing with Jamie. I haven't even close to reached her levels, but I can see how I never get out of the house on time and I have a hard time separating my time up fairly. In the past two weeks I've worked what works out to around two full 40 hour work weeks with only two days off. Each day I work you have to add on another 1-1.5 hours for my commute. This has been mainly at the cost of my sleep, but I also have friends at home and friends from school I'd like to keep in touch with. In what free time I have, it seems as if I spend a lot of time doing nothing-- and then everyone wants me at once. Jamie and I hang out, An calls, Sofa and Masa are online and I've worked a 9 hour day so I'm exhausted as it is. 

It's not an excuse. I should be better on time and I should stick better to plans, but I've always been awful at getting the hell out of the house. I know I can do a better job. But at the same time, I resent that I have to change. Once again, the problem is my fault and I need to alter my behavior. This time it is me who needs to change but still I resent it subconsciously to a point that it's hard for me to be repentant to the extent I should be. 

This is the dilemma. Who's right? Am I really wrong to be using what I've done in the past as a standard of how she should act? Maybe I am. I don't know. All I know is that this is a little too much like the merry-go-round that was high school, and this is why I wanted to get the fuck out of this state. I'm sick of having to fight. I'm sick of being the one who has to care more. She seems like she cares more but it seems to me she bails too easy to care. But maybe I'm reading it wrong. I haven't slept much. I probably am wrong.

I just want a hug. A really big hug. I want us to either move past high school and have me not be held to those standards of who I was then or I want her to meet the standards of how I acted. I want to not have to feel like this anymore. This is part of the reason why we're like this- I try to discuss shit and she doesn't respond. I can't just keep waiting. I can't put myself through that anymore. 

I also really need my fucking electricity to stop going the fuck out. Alright, though now that on my 3rd post I've mostly failed to keep this abstract and my livejournal the place for the rants, I'll survive. I'll get my hug tomorrow. That'll make it better. As will the chocolate chip cookies from ABP (Au Bon Pain). Yummmmm 

first we run and then we laugh till we cry

Damnit. For the past two days I've had all of these ideas running through my head as to what I'd write about. "No," I told myself, "You must wait at least until Thursday to post again. Just wait. Ruminate on what you're going to say." And here I am, finally 'allowed' to write and...I've forgotten what I wanted to write about. There are always my reliable fallbacks- how annoyed I am teleporters do not exist/the fact that a certain someone has not been online to amuse me since Saturday (no, seriously, the fact that he is in Switzerland/Italy is just not an excuse), the latest in the soap opera that is Phil, a pointless iTunes survey that entertains no one but me- but they're so hackneyed. Yeah, I've decided I should put my SAT vocabulary to good use. That way if Masa ever finds this he'll have to use the dictionary at least twice per paragraph. It's not pretentious. It's my way of annoying from afar. 

Alright enough with the jokes that aren't applicable to anyone actually reading this. Oh yeah, that's what I was going to write about. That sound is me doing a victory dance. Grande Green Tea Lattes + Me = Enough energy to solve the energy crisis. Well, at least for the US. I can't help China. Not yet. I was going to write about how I claim to be writing for no one, as only Sofa (and maybe Tyler or Matt) will read this, and yet I endeavor to be charming and witty all the same. In addition, wouldn't it be rather odd to craft these just for me to peruse them later? 

Then again, maybe if I didn't write them (or type them- in this day and age, do I have to specify?) I would actually talk people's ears off. You know, like, in Harry Potter Dumbledore's got that Pensieve thing to siphon off his excess thoughts. Perhaps this is the only way I can, because I clearly am not magic like them. I almost said 'because I don't have a wand', and then I realized that joke would only degrade. And I prefer my inappropriate jokes to be just a little more unique.

OH I FORGOT ABOUT THE GAME DAMNIT! Germany is playing Portugal. Germany is owning Portugal. I'm really rather aggravated at ESPN. They have this ESPN360 thing where you can see the games- but only with Verizon or some other provider. Max watched tennis at school now. I should call him and ask. I miss soccer. Dunno if I can even play. Even though there's nothing physically wrong with my knee, it still aches. Oh, and I'm wicked out of shape. I don't know if I could even run a mile and a half. YEAH THAT'S RIGHT PORTUGAL! Deutschland hat gewonnen! I need to practice my German. I've forgotten so much of it.

Anyway. Oh man, I'm going to add that to my list of things to do one day- go to a Euro Cup or World Cup game in Europe. The games are exciting enough as it is through the tv- I can't even imagine what they'd be like with all the riotous fans. I want to watch the game tomorrow but I have to work. It's really too bad that the only TV we have in there just replays scenes from movies over and over again. It should be put to better use. Namely, supplying me with entertainment. Hey, it'll increase my patience level with customers. Yes sir, I will tell you FOR THE FOURTH TIME IN THE PAST 10 MINUTES, we do not have the iPhone, being as it is not yet July 11th. Yes, that's when it's coming out. No, we don't have the old one. No, you do not have the right to be annoyed with me for this, but thanks for letting me continue my pattern of answering.

Oh damn. I want to continue my witty, but I've been distracted by the thought of a completely different rant. Mainly about boys. And this is not the place for said rant. It clearly violates the separation of purpose between my two journals. Thus, off I go. 

Plus I should probably eat, having had nothing but half a bagel sandwich. Ah Jersey, what do I do without your bagels?                                                                     

if i could i'd only want to make you smile, if you would just stay with me a while

So. Here we are, a brand new blog. Now that dear Tokyo has discovered my other blog, I've been forced to create a new one. I have no idea who exactly will read this; probably no one. But just in case someone does, I have decided that it's best to begin with a list of the persons who will be populating this. I also would prefer to keep the purpose of the two journals separate, or else I would end up neglecting one in favor of the other. However, I have not yet decided what to assign to which journal, except for the fact that this will be more for literary merit and my livejournal will continue to witness my rants. 

Still, a list of characters is needed. Just in case I renege on said decision or use important people in my ponderings. Since chances are none of them will ever read it (or if they do, it'll only be people I really like and thus people who I wouldn't write anything bad about) I'll just use their actual names.

DRAMATIS PERSONAE

Me: A 19 year old college student at a school around Boston. Female, clearly. Not the most laid back person in the world but is trying to be calmer (sometimes). Biology major and German minor. Resides in Jersey when not at school. Like other Jersey Girls, believes she comes from the best state ever. Loves music and books and soccer and figure skating. Very sarcastic. Works at an Apple retail store and in the chem department at school. 

Family: Father, old, ill, demented. Mother, not as old, sweet but at times frustrating. Greg, 16 (almost 17), brother, pretty cool. Matt, 15, other brother, can be cool but occasionally throws temper tantrums like a toddler. Comet and Sabrina are the cats. Comet is fat and affectionate and a catnip addict. 'Brina loves playing with things, particularly mice. I also enjoy thinking up new nicknames for her. Blitz and Max are the dogs. Blitz is the mama's dog everyone loves. Max still acts like a puppy. Steals my socks for toys and incessantly tries to lick my face. 

An: Freshman year roommate, member of the forced triple (also called the sexy friendship triple, as though the school forced us together, we did not complain). Sophomore year roommate as well. Wicked awesome. Can fall asleep in mostly anything, including late night conversations, and then wakes up to add a hilarious one-liner to the conversation. Hair advisor and okay-er of my outfits. My words fail in my pathetic attempt to describe the awesomeness that is my roomie. Also can be a bitch. But cooks for me. All is good. Listens to all my BS. Loves me anyway.

Chip: Met at the birthplace of my hatred for iPhones & AT&T, i.e the Apple Store. Worked with me for a short while. Recently graduated from college. Really tall. Really funny. Really cute. Really amazing. My words will simply fall short at my pathetic attempt to describe this awesomeness. Both exactly like me and exactly my opposite- shares my enjoyment of all things random but likes dark chocolate. But I like him enough to pardon him for his ridiculous tastes in chocolate. Which means a whole lot. 

Chrissy: Friend from high school, since freshman year. Shares German & Polish jokes and occasionally food. Understands the deep meaning of kielbasa euphemisms. Is dating Tom. Was set up by me. Sometimes is deeply indebted to me for this, at other times hates my guts.

Fuzzy/Jess: Friend from skating. Friends since I was like 10. Looks younger than any of my other friends for all that she's almost 21. Love her anyway. Love making fun of her too.

Jamie: Other member of the triple. Dancer extraordinaire. Not living with us next year, but will miss us so much she probably will take up residence on our floor. Short but the scary when angered. Nocturnal by nature, she inspired intense jealousy in me by waking up at 1 PM and going to sleep at 2 AM many days. Witnessed many walks of shame. Enjoys calling me Ms. Gang Bang. Loves me anyway. 

JamieJame: Best friend. We bonded over the dead carcass of EFF, the frog we dissected freshman year in high school. We've had our share of issues but are good now. Has an awesome pool and jacuzzi. Enjoys nature peeing. Has joke alternate personalities. Is incredibly ridiculous and hilarious a majority of the time. Now goes to Notre Dame. Yeah, bitches, I have smart friends.

Katie: (Not me, Katie B). First friend in high school. We met January of 8th grade when interviewing for the scholarship for high school. My travel buddy, even though we can't live together. My advisor for pretty much anything girly. My advisor for most other things too. Now goes to Cornell. Likes Gnomes. Also likes alcohol. But who doesn't?

Kim: Friend from college. Only other bio major friend. We spent many mornings and many nights mutually agreeing the chemistry department is evil and needs to die somewhere. Awesome.

Masa: Known also as Tokyo. This really annoying, obnoxious senior (now graduated) was in my German recitation for two semesters. Lured me to his house with offers of tea when I was coming down with tonsillitis at the end of November. Good friend & brief but important relationship as he showed me how awful Phil truly was and what I deserved. Now resides in Tokyo. While occasionally we can be nice, our usual encounters involve repeated insults and snarky comments.

Max: Birthday buddy from college. Also only birthday buddy. 3 or 6 hours younger than me. Awesome. Plays guitar for me. Taught me to play a song on guitar. Another science person. I use his room as a place to study when my room is too distracting or when I'm upset. Awesome. (He gets two awesomes.)

NatNat: We met because we both dated this guy Zak. This was in my freshman year of high school. First she hated me. Now we're good friends. Amazingly talented. We enjoy driving down the shore at midnight. Also called NatNat Panda.

Nicole: A friend of Fuzzy's who is now my friend. Also goes to school in the Boston area. Occasionally drives me nuts. I still love her though.

Phil: Also known as ExBoy. He was the first boy I kissed and my first time. And the first guy to cheat on me. All in all we were together for about 16 months. Now has a new girlfriend who's paranoid and suspicious who is my favorite person to hate. As I found out he cheated on me after he got owned in bed by an Asian, I wasn't nearly as upset as I would have been. We now no longer talk. I still occasionally enjoy talking about the entire situation though; it's better than daytime soaps.

Sarah: The only other white girl in the Harem. The Harem consists of the triple, Sofa, Kim, Sarah and Vicky. We all lived in the same dorm. Boys obviously gave us this name. Math and Dance Goddess. Also says blessings over the Jewish wine we drink.

Sofa: Lived next door to me at school. Still technically lives next door to me, since I live in North Jersey and she lives in the city. Probably the only person who will read this blog. Is massively well endowed. Constantly summoned to my room by a high pitched SOFAAAAAAA that I would shriek down the hall. Loves American Eagle as much as I do. Occasional Travel Buddy. Awesome beyond words.

Tom: Dates Chrissy. Co-worker, as he helped me get the job at Apple. Occasionally very useful; occasionally also a huge pain in the ass. A good friend for all that we bash on each other constantly. Set me up with Phil. I forgave him.

Zak: My first boyfriend, for all that we never so much as kissed. Friend from the beginning of middle school. After dating in freshman year of high school, we reverted back to being awesome friends. Really tall. My guy guru. 

And whew, what a long first post. If any of these people happen to read this and don't like their name being used, please alert me. I will be more than happy to think up an appropriate nickname. I also clearly did not include certain people. It is not that I do not love them or they are not important to my life; they just are not necessarily going to pop up in any post. So don't be hurt! 

Well, my introductory post is over now. Mainly because I need to get my ass moving and get to work to tell yet more people No, we do not have the iPhone yet. I still love my job though. I usually like to end my posts in a concise, not cliché, well-pulled-together way. Can't think of a way to. And somehow, I don't think telling my boss that that's why I'm late is going to go over very well. So no thought provoking and satisfying last sentence for you. Or me.

Damn.