crack the shutters open wide;; i want to bathe in the light of day

Oh dear, it's 2010. This is so bizarre. It's like when I finally turned 18. It was surreal that I had reached a point I had been looking forward to for so long. I turn 21 in 21 days. It'll make life so much easier! It's also the last birthday that's really worth looking forward to. That's a bit sad, actually.

So SofSof's post was what prompted me to write. It's also because I'm using my brother's computer and I like the way the keyboard sounds. Is that something just I like? Or do other people discriminate between different keyboards and the sound/feeling they have? I doubt this is just an oddity of mine. I digress.

2009 was an interesting ride. I have a hard time characterizing years. They seem so long and yet so short that I can't adequately sum them up. I swear, I was just turning 20, but that was eons ago in Spring Semester; the summer and Fall Semester went by so quickly but the spaces in between are like chasms of time. I'm sorry, I don't mean to be so pretentious, I just can't think of any other words for it.

I suppose a lot has happened. My mom became increasingly more forgetful and was diagnosed with Mild Cognitive Impairment, or dementia, or both. Different doctors said different things. I applied for Disability for my parents and figured out how to insure them for the rest of their lives. We started getting the house fixed up to sell. Greg and I bought a car. I learned to drive stick. Greg started college. Greg crashed our car. Matt moved to Massachusetts. I survived two more semesters of college. I did research and I enjoyed it. I decided to study abroad in Germany for real. I bought my plane ticket. My Uncle Paul died. Chip and I are good. My friends and I are all good. I went to Jamaica with Chip and his family and I got my first passport stamp.

Listing all that makes me feel rather accomplished. I like it. Sometimes I feel as though I'm in the hull of a ship and water is pouring in everywhere. I keep plugging the holes, but new ones keep appearing. I only have so many plugs. I could shove my fingers in the holes too, but then I'd be stuck. I don't want to be stuck in a sinking ship, but I want to do everything I can to keep the damn thing afloat. It's nice to see that I actually did something.

I can't see what this year will bring. I turn 21, I go abroad, I start my senior year of college, I do my own research (sort of), I start applying for jobs (?!?! do you do that fall semester senior year? I feel like you do)....I don't really believe in New Year's resolutions. There are so many other points in the year at which to decide to live differently. I'm working on being more independent and less afraid of conflict with people. I'm also trying to be more motivated and proactive with my family.

Most importantly though, I'm trying to keep my happy. I always strive to be happy where I am. In high school, I didn't want to waste what time I had being sad; it felt wrong and silly to spend time upset. Once I found out I didn't have Huntington's, I wanted to enjoy the life I got back. That's why I got my tattoo and that's why I got it on my wrist. I wanted to be reminded every day how worried I had been that I was going to lose everything and how happy I was that I got it back. Everytime I see the ink I want to remember again that happiness must be found and fought for- that if I'm unhappy where I am, it's up to me to fix it. If I want to fritter my life away, that's my call, but I don't want to. I want to spend every moment I can happy and enjoying life however I want to enjoy life. There have been times this year where I haven't been happy and it hasn't been for any particular reason. That bothers me

I know that we forget the fear we feel when we think we're going to die. We have to forget it. It's mind numbing. I know we can't always feel the relief at surviving. But that doesn't mean I won't try. That middle ground between happy and sad? That place of no feeling? I'm not okay with that place. So in 2010, like every year after this, I just want to continue to find happiness. I want to embrace life, not cower under it's weight. So I will