get out from this guilt that will crush me

When I was younger, I used to play out intricate scenes in my head. A lot of the time, they would be about something tragic- the school burning down, me being seriously injured, my parents becoming gravely ill.  Sometimes I worry that I caused my father's fatal illness by thinking these things.  

There's this post card sent to postsecret, though. And every time I think about it, even though I don't have it, I try to push the guilt away again.  My family has an incurable disease.  Most of the time, it does have my family. But it doesn't have to have me. Not anymore than it already does. It has done enough damage. 

My family has a disease. And I have guilt. But guilt cannot have me. He has me. Life has me. 

they knew it was only a matter of time

Tuesday evening the USA elected its new President.  It wasn't the one my father wanted; he voted for McCain. He would have voted for Clinton, had she won the nomination. 'He's a veteran', he said. 'POW'. My father's old prejudices sometimes show up even more now as he gets worse. Maybe it's just a trick of my imagination, but I feel like he regresses back to more instinctive lines of thought the more he deteriorates. 

I watched the crowds scream and yell and cheer. I listened as my school rioted/rallied for over 2 hours. I listened and maybe cried as the President-Elect walked onto the stage and delivered his first speech as the future President. Most was because of the overwhelming story of the moment and the power. Because I was witnessing history. And because as I watched the grainy tv screen hundreds of miles from home, I realized that it might have been the last time my dad voted. Maybe it was the last time he'll watch as they call the states and the news anchors while away they time with idle facts and aimless trivia and speculation. 

I don't know why, but that made me cry. And tonight, tonight it all seems so awful. Usually I don't think about my dad or I think about the entire mess of a situation. Or I think about how angry I am at him. But tonight, tonight I think about him. About the man I can't remember who carried me on his shoulders. He used to give me piggy back rides up the stairs. And read us stories. I'm trying so hard to remember more of him. He was there; why can't I remember? 

He called today to ask me a question about Greggie. Dad wanted me to tell Greg directly; then he started looking for my mom. Or calling her. Whichever he was doing. As he called her, his voice broke; it sounded the same as when he came up with Chip for a night without her. He sounded so incredibly lost, so confused, so unsure of what was going on. His slurring is worse. Even with his repeating, I have to really listen to catch it. He sounds so vulnerable. It breaks my heart all over again. 

And now I don't have just one flag covered coffin to worry about. Gregs wants to join the NROTC and become a Marine. He says no one respects him. He says there's no money for school. I can understand Greg wanting to feel like people respect him. I know that there's not a lot of money. But the Marines? I can't imagine my sweet, level headed, patient little brother as a Marine. With a gun in his hand? Kills me. Is he doing it to escape in case he has it, just like Mattie? I mean, Greg wants to become a math teacher. He deserves a huge house and a loving wife and kids and the perfect life. Not dust and sweat and blood and images beyond my comprehension. 

And Mattie, if he does it too, that's three flags for my mom and I. So many destroyed by this stupid disease. So much. I want to make it better but I just don't know how. I don't know how to protect him. I don't have the money for Greg. I'm not patient enough anyway. Or good enough of a sister. I try, but I never try hard enough. If I did I would be good enough. I could protect them. I could make it better.

But oh my god, what if Gregory has it. That's not fair. I was the mean one, I was the one who was better in school, I'm the favorite. It's not fair! Greg should have the 18 15. Not me. Not me if he has it. Greg is nothing like dad. They've never gotten along the way Matt and he or my dad and I have. That is too cruel of a twist of fate. I won't know what to do. I got off okay. I went through the same thing Gregs did and up until he finds out, I can say I know exactly how he feels. But if he has it?

My survivors guilt and my anguish have nothing on him. And Mattie, oh Mattie, if he doesn't get himself killed before he turns 18...how do I protect my little brothers? Why? Why do I get to be okay and I have to sit here staring at them, as if my stare could someone magnify their cells, unwind their DNA, run the PCR and the gel to see how long the repeats are. Why do I get to be okay when they suffer? Why do I get the house and the kids and the life and they don't? 

It's not fair. When I found out, I felt surprisingly little survivors guilt. I felt merely relief. Greg can tested in...9 months. Oh, god, 18 years ago it happened. 18 years ago and here we are. Which was it, which was the fastest, which made my little blond hair blue eyed brother with the easy laugh and the silly temperament, my partner in crime, who I played catch with and invented silly games with? And my other, dark haired ball of mischief with the irresistible smile who just wanted to do what everyone else was doing, who was always trying to catch up to Greg and I, who wants so desperately to feel like he has a family, to be protective of me, to be the man of the house? 

I was 7 or 8 I think when the Oklahoma City bombings happened. I went into work with my mother. My brothers were too young to amuse themselves and this awesome day care was open somewhere around the old Bear Sterns building. It had a pirate shape. I wanted to stay so bad, but I was too old. My brothers got to instead. So my mom and I went to her work and we at some point heard about the bombings. I remember being outside, but I could be wrong. I heard a day care had gotten destroyed and being pretty young, I immediately freaked out that my brothers were in a day care and wanted to know if they were okay. 

I don't remember being the best sister. In fact, I remember hitting them a lot. I remember doing stuff with them, but we were comrades, not friends. We played together and in a weird way, we were closer than some siblings I know but not even as close as others. I remember watching Saturday morning cartoons and fighting. I remember big forts and the frustration I felt when they ruined them. I remember them kind of always just being there. But they were the only ones always there. 

I wish I could go back; I wish I could make it better so now I could be closer. I'm trying now, but it's hard to reach them. We're grown up. When we need each other, there's things only we understand. But we have our own support systems that don't involve each other. 

They still drive me crazy. But I still would give up anything for them in a heartbeat if it meant they would be okay. 

oh and i'm just waiting till the firing stops

It's 1:08 and I can't sleep. Well I can. I am lying down in my bed. I have finished a sufficient amount of work. There is no one I am talking to online (except Sofa intermittently) and An and I are having a periodic conversation that can easily be interrupted to sleep. I have an 8:30. I will not sleep this weekend. I should sleep. I can't.

I am sitting here munching on goldfish and wondering just why. I lost my iPod in Port Authority and it was then swiped. I lost my license, my credit and debit card, my CharlieCard, my student ID...oh, yeah, and my iPod. Awesome. Then today I babysat and the family called a cab for me so they could watch the debate. I then left my laptop in the cab. Like a retard. Like a motherfucking retard. I don't understand. I just don't.

The level of anger I feel for myself right now is perhaps higher than I have ever felt before, though I have had extremely self-hating periods so maybe not. It was not helped by the fact I was talking to Chip and of course, of course I had to say stupid fucking things. Because I wasn't thinking. Apparently I never think! How can people say I am so smart? I have largely gotten over my self-deprecation, at least, to a serious degree. But I swear, it is taking a lot to not just fill this page with caustic wit to tear myself apart. Stupid hormones. I blame you.

And I just read how a junior at my town's high school suffered a brain hemorrhage from a JV football game. He's on life support or dead. Facebook and the news are not matching up. He's right between my brothers. His brain is swelling and his neurons are dying. And his family is watching. And he is dying. Or he is dead. All for a junior varsity football game against some goddamn prep school. People have died for more ridiculous things; but a high school JV football game? 

It makes me being upset seem so stupid. It makes me angrier at myself and more frustrated. I learned this lesson already. I have learned and re-learned because haven't I lived it? Aren't I living it? Didn't I get ink embedded in my skin for this lesson? Don't stress over things like this. That's why I forgot the iPod. Dwelling on it would only make me more angry. So I didn't. So I wasn't thinking. So I didn't learn my lesson. So I'm again the idiot. 

But he's dead. It's 1:27 and it all seems so ludicrous. Why am I up? Because I am upset. Why? Over something stupid that will be over tomorrow. Or the next day. I'm not even upset. I am sad. I am just sit here, stare at the wall, mind blank sorrow. Here's what I want to know. How d do you plan a funeral? Do you call the church and schedule it? "Hey, we need a priest and some sad music in the near future. Awesome." What about the funeral home? Who does this? Do you order a coffin? Is there a catalogue? 

I'm sure I'll find this all out first hand. Who else is going to do it? My responsibility anyway. What about those cards they give out at wakes? How do they get them so fast? And who picks for that? 

Because really, who is in a state of mind to pick? I don't even know this boy. I don't know the last name. I'm sure we have plenty of shared friends and I've probably even seen him before. What must his family be like? These morbid questions, the only ones who can answer them are the ones who probably forgot because of the immense amount of cortisol pumping through their system. I wonder what my mother will forget. I called her my mother. I really am out of it.

I am a mess. I want to be in his arms. I want to stop being angry. I want to shrink his brain and stop the bleeding. I want to replace the oxygen starved and pressure-killed neurons. I want to clear up the tangles. I want to be pulled around the rink again. I don't want to use the words father or mother. I want to use mom or dad. Or even mommy or daddy. I want to hug my brothers. I want to express my aching sadness so he does not think I am ignoring him or don't care and leave. I want to believe. 

I want to sleep. So I can wake up. It will all be better in the morning. Or the morning after. Or the morning after. That will be a nice morning. 

It's not that I don't value or respect death that I switch so unceremoniously. It is that death, or at least it's shadow, was what I grew up, really grew up with. I am a mess. But I know what's important. And it is not a computer. Or an iPod. It is not about not making mistakes. It is not about never fucking up. It's not about having people be happy with me always. It is getting past the mistakes. It is fixing it. It is being happy again. Death scared me happy. 

But for now, sad is okay. 

i believe that we are golden

What is this. I think I have my life all figured out and then BAM. It completely re-assorts itself. Listen blogspot. It's a word because I damn well say it is (re-assort, that is.) Anyway. I should be continuing to fight through my chem problem set, or reading genetics, or doing genetics problems, or doing physics, or reading Brain & Behavior, or something actually useful. But no. I'm writing here. Thank God only Sofa reads this. I am for the first time realizing that even though I want to be open and share everything, the fact is is that even though things in the past are past, they still can hurt other people and then make my life difficult.

It's not that I didn't realize this before; this theoretically made sense. It's just that I never had direct experience with this. What do you expect? I've never been in a relationship before. It never mattered.

So as of my last post, I was all pessimistic about my future with Chip & semi-worried about school & thinking that as I would soon be single and desperately need a break, it would be a good idea to visit Tokyo at some point. Break in that passport. Chip kept insisting he wasn't ready for anything and that didn't stop me from becoming attached to him, but there was a small part of me I kept back- the part that gets me to throw myself into relationships. I was ready to get my heart dented, but not ready to get it smashed into little pieces even though I had had fair warning it was possible.

Is it really only 3 weeks later? All of a sudden, Chip & I are an almost forgone conclusion. All stable. I have no idea when this happened. Oh, I liked him a lot this summer. Don't get me wrong. But all of sudden I realize I'm falling and I just don't care. There's that thing, that damned thing I can't explain, that pulls me to him stronger than anything I've felt before. I'm that girl who spends all hours in her dorm talking to her boy. I'm that girl. What the hell? I've only known him since the end of June. I've only been involved with him since July. And it doesn't bother me. It doesn't freak me out.

He's freaked out about Masa though. Okay not freaked out. I have said things in an attempt to be open and reassuring and they have had the opposite affect. And I can see it. It looks, from his perspective, not good. I was with a guy who I stopped being with because he left. We didn't fight. I don't hate him. We're good friends. Our relationship is still playful and snarky. And for someone who's been cheated on and fears being left for another guy, Masa can't be an object of any positive emotion.

The truth is, I really liked Masa, I did. But we couldn't work out. He left and I was sad, but I had been expecting it. Our relationship had an ending point from the beginning. I was just as upset to lose my friend as anything else. My romantic feelings for Masa have reverted back to their affectionate friendly roots. I wanted to go to Tokyo for the experience of Tokyo and to see my friend. If Chip and I were no longer together, then would something happen? I don't know. But if we were/are, ignoring the fact I wouldn't/won't go, nothing would happen except getting him to take me to good restaurants, good natured ribbing and catching up.

And the other truth is, I like Chip a ridiculous amount and in a way that I didn't like Masa. Or maybe I couldn't like Masa, because he was leaving. But even so, Chip and I have known each other for less time and yet...there's a connection and a sense of the future about Chip that wasn't there with Masa. And really. I said I wasn't interested in finding anyone, that I was too busy, that I was done with guys- and look at me! I wouldn't have done this for just any guy. I wouldn't have done this for a decent guy. It is a testament to how much I like him, the fact that I'm with him at all right now. Okay shut up. I know that was not proper English grammar. Wasn't even German. I don't care.

I can't figure it out. Chip is pretty much everything I want in a guy, down to the exact words he says. It's not just abstract personality traits, it's in everything he does. It's in how he calls me to say good morning and how he works just as hard as I do at this. It's in how he's not afraid to tell me how he feels (or if he is, he doesn't let it affect him) and how he's straightforward about everything. He has his faults, don't get me wrong. It bothers me on some level that his paranoia does affect how much he trusts me, even though I completely understand it. Not that we've hardcore fought, but the mini ones have involved aggravation from the things he'll say.

But I have faults too. And who said it was going to be easy? I also accidentally began the incidents, so it wasn't like he started it. I'm just clumsy. And easily made nervous. Even by someone who fits perfectly into what I want in a guy. And he's probably in some way hurt by that. Nothing to be done but work through it until our scars don't harm the other.

Anyway. I really should get a move on it. I need to eat shower and get my laundry done. Please, someone tell me who let me get myself into all of this. Too much work. But suck it chem lab and problem set. On to genetics. Huzzah.

i said i think i'm going to Boston

So the summer is basically over. I had today off and I get tomorrow and Saturday off as well. After that I work every day except for Thursday until I leave on the Sunday after next, so this is pretty much my last big break before I go to the craziness. Seriously. I'm taking 5 classes- Physics, Chem, Genetics, German and Brain and Behavior. 4 of those classes have recitations. Physics and Chem also come with labs. I work 10 hours a week in the chem department. And I want to work at one of the Apple stores, which means I have to work an additional 12 hours a week there. And there's commute time. 

Basically, I can kiss my social life goodbye when I go back to school. I don't know if I can handle it. It was pretty busy last semester. This semester I'm working more in the lab, much more class time, harder classes and add another job onto it? And, you know, I'd like to keep my GPA at least where it is. I can accept a B in Physics or Chem, but not both. All other As. 

And of course, I need to go home sometimes...oh well. I have a bad habit of biting off more than I can chew but I always manage eventually. I need the money. I can't pass up the extra 100 bucks a week from the Apple store. That's books, food, clothes. I need new shoes, new shirts, a new comforter....and with my mom still out of a job and the economy the way it is, I can't justify not working two jobs. If I could make 175-200 a week at the Chem department I would- but I can't. It's going to be hard. I can't be slacking off. But I can handle it.

And then maybe I can go somewhere cool for Spring Break. Canadia, Mexico, Tokyo... Not that I know if I'm going to want to go; right now I'd go, but if I have a boyfriend / friend with benefits it might be hard to go to Japan to see Masa. I miss him as a friend, but I can see where that might bother a new guy in my life if I had one.  I can see where it would really bother someone new. But if I'm left for someone easier, closer to home (story of my life), then who knows. It's really far too early to be thinking about it, but air fare is so much cheaper thinking about it now rather than in January. 

On the other hand, I'm still the only one working. Greg works but doesn't save and Mattie doesn't work. What if my mom hasn't found a job by then? That money could pay off some loans, pay some bills, go towards tuition, insurance, something. Still, I think a break is in order. I don't know. Too early to worry too much about it. I hate planning things like that- I like thinking about it and figuring out how to do it, but planning it exactly bothers me. At the same time, I have to think about it now.

Planning out how I'd do something also makes me feel better. Finding a problem I may or may not face and then going through the details of how I'd get around it or through it or otherwise survive it makes it less scary and controllable. Not that traveling is scary, but it would involve planning- how much I can spend, how to save it, what I'd have to cut back on. 

Bah, I'm sleepy. And I'm going out tomorrow so I'm going to sleep so I don't sleep through all of tomorrow. Oh, I'm so responsible when seeing Chip is involved

such boundless pleasure, we've no time for later now

I am a generally happy person. Despite my dying father, being the most competent adult in the household, constantly losing people who are so important to my life, my three and a half year jaunt with my own mortality hanging over me and all the other normal stresses and drama that come along with being a human being, a vast majority of the time I feel happy or even very happy. This happiness is a product of concentrated effort to appreciate all I had, to take exactly what was in front of me and never look back, to content myself with what I had and not spend too much time bemoaning what I couldn't have. Not to say I don't complain; I complain more than anyone I know. Much of what I say doesn't reflect how I feel inside; saying it is what releases my inner resentment at perceived unfairness and stress. 

In many way this is a successful ploy. I am happy. My aim was accomplished. It's been almost a year since I found out I don't have Huntington's. Hm, I should try to find that piece of paper. I wanted to frame it and you'd think me, the ultimate packrat, would have enshrined that thing. Aha, found it. Sometimes, though, I still feel as if I'm living like I'm dying. There's this certain frantic edge to what you do, a grasping hold where you grab onto anything, no matter how tenuous, to feel more. You take what you can get and endeavor to deeply experience everything and regret nothing. 

There's sayings everywhere that encourage one to live as if they were dying, and in a lot of ways it's true. More than once I've decided to do something just for the hell of it, and if sometimes I'm reckless, I'm okay with that. Everything from staying up late to sleeping with someone has resulted from a 'Fuck it' moment directly tied to a desire to live life for everything it has to offer. And I love it almost all the time. I love feeling alive, I love feeling as though I've accomplished something, I love being able to do nothing at all and just by appreciating the moment it's something. 

But at other times, I wonder if appreciating everything has led me to settle for less. I wonder if taking what I can get and accepting it has led me to miss out on things I could have gotten had I pushed for it. For instance, I've met some (two) truly amazing guys. I've had a lot of fun and learned a lot and been changed a lot for the better by them. But I have never been told 'I love you' (well, my freshman-year-in-high-school-'boyfriend' might have, but it doesn't count). I have never had a serious boyfriend, never been in a serious relationship-relationship with the titles and number 2 on speed dial thing. I've never celebrated anniversaries or been introduced as 'my girlfriend'. I'm just 19 and a half, I guess it's not that unusual, but considering how I've had serious physical relationships (notice the plural) and they have come with emotional connections, it makes me wonder.

On one hand my recklessness pushes me towards taking what I can get- the more than friends but less than dating relationships I constantly get myself into. They care about me and I care about them; we both have fun; who needs to hear I love you, anyway? On the other hand, I wonder if this is what's preventing me from being in the stable kind of relationship I really want. I don't think it's that I'm not datable. I just think that I get in situations where dating is not an option. 

Then again, maybe a stable relationship is what I want but not what I need. Maybe that one more fucking person leaving me would be what pushes me over the edge into cynicism and general hatred of mankind. Maybe this way I get almost everything I want without as much of the danger of the rest. I don't know. See, this is the rationalization that goes on in my head that makes me happy. Or helps keep my happiness intact. It's probably a bad time to be dating anyway; after a certain period of time I have to leave the person or they have to leave me because I live in different places. 

Oh, who really cares. I'm living fast and sometimes I worry I'll crash, but when it comes down to it I'm not going to change how I'm living very much. I have plans for the future but none for tomorrow and that's exactly how I like it. I live spontaneously and planned, laid back and frantic and while it makes life crazy I can't imagine it any other way. While sometimes I worry- will I find someone who actually wants to say I love you to me and does say it, someone who wants to spend the rest of their life with me who I want to spend the rest of my life with- I'm only 19 and a half. I have plenty of time to worry about that in 5 years.

It will all work out. I do live slightly less frantically than I did. The other day someone told me 'You've been dying since you were born' and I didn't even connect it with the morbid thoughts I'd usually get until today. I see mothers with children and it doesn't make me sad. I'm getting used to the idea that my death doesn't have to hang over everything I do. I'm just like any other person my age, I'm normal. 

You know, I should probably stop bashing on myself as much. I'm going to be me for a long, long time (barring any unforeseen circumstances just like anyone else). I'm going to be me!

And since that concept made me so happy and continues to make me so happy, I should be less hard on myself. Even though I have my faults (like the fact I continuously talk about myself, geez, talk about boring) I have all this time now. So many possibilities and so many opportunities. The world is so much bigger and even though it's uglier than I can comprehend, it's larger and more beautiful than I can imagine. And as long as I remember that, because I can remember that, I'll be happy.

Screw worrying. There are bad sides to every choice I've ever made and there are undoubtedly consequences to my contradictory approach to life- but I've already decided it was more than worth the risk. It will all work out in the end.

And there is someone out there for me, and if he can't put up with my intensity or if he misses out on me because of the way I live, then he's not the one for me, is he now.

i wanna wake up where you are

Yeah so I wrote like 5 paragraphs of a post and I just deleted them all. I might regret it later but oh well. A new topic has come to my mind and I'd rather write about it than whatever I was writing about. Though I do need to re-iterate my aggravation with my situation to preface this. I have found two very different but awesome guys in the past 9 months. They're both sweet, nice, funny and intelligent. They both make me laugh and make my day and they are two kinds of guys I would gladly date. However, one lives thousands of miles away. The other will live a few hundred miles away when I go back to school. This doesn't sound like that much, particularly not when said right after a distance that inarguably ends any chance of a relationship. But with gas prices sky high, the economy in a recession and with a ridiculous course load, the distance puts some serious strain on the possibility of anything.

Here is my quandary. The first of these guys is obviously Masa. Masa was (and is) great. I consider him a good friend and at this point I believe that he's affected my life for the better more than any other guy as of yet. Okay fine, that only includes Phil, but whatever. However, he lives in Tokyo. I got over him because I saw no other option. He's gone and I miss him- but he's not coming back as far as I can see. 

And now there's Chip. Our relationship isn't serious; we're not dating. He's not ready for it and I'm okay with that. But it's regardless an exclusive thing. He saw texts from Masa and got a bit weird about it; he didn't get upset or angry, but I understand the less that thrilled reaction. If he had (or has) saved texts from an ex I would seriously doubt whether he was ready for anything right now. I keep them because I'm scared of forgetting what's happened to me and he said he understands, but still. 

So now I'm caught in between what I had and what I might have. I don't want to hurt Chip or make it seem as though I'm not over Masa. The fact is is that I am. I thought in May it would take me longer, but it wasn't one of those things that had possibility. At the same time, I don't want to hurt Masa. He's still a good friend of mine and I don't want to lose him. I don't want him to think that I don't care or that he didn't mean anything to me because I care a lot and he still means a lot to me. I just happened to find someone really awesome faster than I expected. 

And I suppose this seems stupid to anyone reading this. It's not like Chip and Masa know each other at all. There's no reason I can't accomplish this- making sure Chip knows I'm over Masa and into him and he's not a rebound in the slightest and that Masa knows I've moved on romantically but that I still want him in my life. But I feel awful. Maybe I'm just worrying about nothing; I've talked to Chip about the texts and I do believe that he would tell me if he had a problem, and while Masa hasn't answered my IMs, he might just be busy or overwhelmed, not upset. I just feel as though that's not the case, not with Masa. When it comes down to it, Masa is thousands of miles away and could just fade into my past. But I don't want that.

I don't want to keep gaining and losing these people. I had to lose Masa in the romantic sense. It wasn't anything he or I did; it was the situation. But I don't want to lose my friend. I don't want him to think it's anything personal. At the same time, I don't want to Chip to think he's just second best, just the guy I'm settling for because I can't have the one I really want, because it's not that either, not even close. Chip is awesome like whoa.

Fuck distance. Fuck that no one has invented teleporters yet. That would solve the energy crisis. Fuck that I can't make things right. And fuck that I'm leaving again so soon! At least I didn't meet them both at the same time and have to choose. Masa is great. Chip though...I don't know, there's something about him or the way I feel about him or us that is different than anything I've felt before that I can't explain at all, but I do know that even though I know Masa pretty well and I've known Chip less than a month, I would find the decision insanely difficult. And coming from a person who needs to know someone to feel comfortable and needs to be comfortable for the relationship to work best, that's really saying something about how much I like Chip. What am I going to say in four months, when it's actually a comparable thing? 

Oh shit. Look at this. This is supposed to be the more mature journal where I write about ideas instead of people, about concepts instead of events. I'm supposed to ponder bigger things or at least talk about the 'higher' ground. For instance, instead of comparing the guys in my life, I should postulate on how important differences and similarities are in making relationships work. Aaahhhh damnit. 

Oh well. It's ironic, how this situation is amazing and sucky. I have these great guys but these odd situations. Whatever. What happens, happens and I fully intend to take what I can get and enjoy every moment I have with Chip and not worry about what might occur later. We'll either work out or not and worrying about it won't change it. If I had wasted my time in April worrying about Masa and I, I would have been incredibly mad at myself. I don't intend to start letting any qualms I have about the future fuck up my present. Not now. Not ever.

I need to go get my brother. Ohhhhh chauffeuring. 

maybe you're gonna be the one that saves me

This post has been in production for well over a week. I've finally decided to finish the damn thing (heavily changing it, of course). Anything to keep me awake. I go to sleep late and wake up early, and I just napped for about 3 hours. It's only 5:48 I'm tired as balls. That's a funny expression. Can balls be tired? I thought they only hurt when they were aggravated. 

Strange, though. At school I woke up earliest at 8:07 and I typically went to sleep by 12 or 1. Now I wake up at 6:40 or 7:40 or on oh-so-joyous days, 8:40. And I still go to sleep at 12 or 1. But I feel so much less tired, so much more inclined to get out of bed. Which is actually rather awesome. Because I'm either becoming more resistant to sleep deprivation (like Sofa) or it's just for the summer- but who cares? This is when I'd rather be more resistant to requiring excessive sleeps. 

So bad things? Problems with friends from home & my family have been driving me up the wall. Good things? There is so this really cute guy at work who I really like hanging out with and he gives awesome hugs. Like, it's hard to give a bad hug. But his hugs are excellent. And I'm not just saying it to say it just because he's interested in me and I'm interested in him. 

Here's the thing though- he just got out of a relationship and even though it's been almost 2 months since I left school and 1 week since I've heard from Masa, it really hasn't been that long. What is the appropriate time periods before you can be interested (even a little) in someone else? I know they say it's when you're ready for it, but there has to be a point at which it's just skanky. Here's the other thing- he lives far away from me now. In a few months (Christ, 2 months) he'll be even farther away from me. How come I find two guys in a row who are awesome and amazing, who are so different from one another except in this one thing, this one similarity that is their only shortcoming: they live or will live more than 200 miles away from me?

That was truly atrocious grammar. I apologize. 

I'm going to switch to an almost completely unrelated topic. Oh no, wait! I must add a short description of this guy. If he turns out to be a permanent fixture in my life, he'll get added to the original list of characters. I introduce Chip (it's his nickname), a fellow Apple employee (for now). Recently graduated. Tall & cute. Really sweet. Really nice. Really smart. Really awesome. Really need to find a better superlative than really. 

So originally this was going to be about something else, but I no longer find it relevant. The current topic is my inability to be in a relationship that's anything but friends with benefits. I'm always either not looking or looking for a boyfriend. I find great guys. Or I think I do, in the case of Phil. But it always ends up this way- basically dating but not. I've been with two guys and I have yet to have a serious boyfriend. Now another friends with benefits situation is on my hands and I just have to laugh.

How many times do I say I want a boyfriend, I want a nice stable steady relationship and a guy I can count on- and how many times do I end up in this situation? Honestly, it just makes me laugh. And not in a cynical and bitter kind of way, in a genuinely amused way. I'd love a boyfriend. I want the romance and the cute texts and the knowledge that there's someone out there who would do anything for you and loves you and all that. I want the adorable stories and the cards and the romantic gestures. I really do. But I don't want to miss something else that would be almost as good waiting for something I think is better.

Friends with benefits hasn't always worked out for me. I always get attached. Way too attached. Sometimes they fuck me over (-Cough-Phil-Cough) and sometimes they just off and disappear to Europe (Damn Masa). On the other hand, this doesn't mean they didn't work out for me. Phil, as much as I hate to admit it now, as much as he did cause and do bad things, did also affect my life in good ways. It could have ended a lot worse between us. The first guy is important, but so is the first guy to treat you right if those two are not the same guy. Neither of them are as important as the last guy. 

So no, I don't want to end up with all these relationships that meant a lot to me but not as much to them. I don't want to look back and realize that I engaged in a cycle of telling myself something meant something to make myself feel better about the fact that I was sleeping with someone who couldn't be bothered to date me. I don't want to be that girl. I don't want to brainwash myself into things anymore.

On the other hand, I do honestly believe that you don't need to date someone to truly care about them or even love them. You don't need the title of boyfriend or girlfriend to show that you care. And much as I don't want to regret anything, there's something I don't want even more. 

I don't want to end up forgetting what I've learned from my past. When I thought that I might carry that awful disease, I told myself that I was going to live fast and hard. I never wanted to waste time fighting or being upset if I could possibly help it. I wanted to feel every single second of my life because I never knew when it would end. I'm a little different now. I don't need to live as fast. But now I never want to lose that intense desire to live. I named this blog infinitebloomabilities and that's what I don't want to forget. Bloomabilities is this word from this book that I loved, it came out when I was like 9. In it, this kid uses the word bloomabilities for possibilities because he's all ESL like that. 

But the whole book gives off this feeling of life being something so great and wide and vast and the characters are in love with it, even though it sucks sometimes, even though bad things happen. I don't want to forget that the possibilities in this world are endless and that not risking anything is the best way to lose what you want. In a lot of ways I have matured since high school. I can't be that same person who wore that uniform and slaved away for four years. I can, however, be who that person wanted to be- happy, more secure, always appreciating what she has, never saying no to something because it might end badly, always ready to do something a little crazy and never ever letting her fear get in the way of doing something that has the possibility of being amazing. 

So I can see where this friends with benefits thing might hurt me. I've been through it twice before; I know where the pitfalls are and I know the dangers. And I don't care. You only live once and I'd rather do something and wish I hadn't than not do something and wish I did. Life is a sucky place right now in a lot of ways. I don't want to lose sight of the marvelous adventure it can be. This all sounds so cliché. Oh well. I'd rather love and lose than not love at all. And I'd rather enjoy what I have now than worry about losing it. What will happen in August will happen. He could be the most amazing thing to happen to me thus far.

And if not? Well, that's what chocolate chip cookies and friends with bats, clubs and evil intent are there for. 

i'll give it as fast and as high as the flame will rise

Today I deleted Phil's number from my phone. It was entirely an accident; I was trying to delete just one number from his contact numbers and it ended up deleting the whole entry. I stared at my phone for about a minute. On one hand, why do I need the number anymore? Because of his psychotic girlfriend who keeps him on such a short leash it's a wonder he doesn't choke and because of my complete apathy, there's no reason I'd want to contact him again. Not that I can think of. I thought about re-adding it, as I don't delete any of the numbers in my phone. I figure it might always come in handy. I know the number now but I'm sure I'll forget it soon. It would figure that I can remember the number but not to do things when I should do them. Like go to sleep or leave my house.

It's just...odd. It's only hitting me now how far away I am from who I was a year ago. The reason I wanted to delete one contact number was because my phone was mistakenly attributing texts from Chrissy to Phil, as she was IMing me, but it was saying that Phil was sending them. When I first opened my phone and it said NEW TEXT FROM PHIL my first thought was of a complete letdown-- Damn, it's not who I wanted it to be from . 

Obviously a year ago that was my very favorite screen to see. Now it simply inspires mild curiosity. I'm also more confident and....I don't know, different. Last year- or really, two years ago- I would have bent over backwards for my friends, particularly Jamie. I went out of my way every time. Not that I won't do that now- I'm still hopelessly devoted to my friends- but there's this line now where I do do stuff for me. My friends might be my primary concern, but I'm no longer a very far away third. I recognize that at a certain point I need to be there for myself too. This has not gone over well with Jamie. It comes off as self-absorption, apparently. 

See, this is a very boring, melodramatic and high school-y post, but I'll try my best to make it more about the abstract concepts. 

I stuck by her through everything. I resent very deeply that I stuck by her, but now that I'm not living up to her ideal that, she seems all too willing to just let our friendship go. I don't blame her for what she did and I don't think because she acted badly that I should be able to do as I please. I do however feel as if she owes me, sort of. Like, you let someone cut in front of you in bumper to bumper traffic even though it inconveniences you. You don't do it because you expect anything in return. However, should there be a situation in which you need to cut in front of them, they should be willing to oblige this. You allowing them to cut you does not mean you are justified in cutting them off 'just cause', but they should be more lenient than another driver because you did the same for them.

It's exactly the same thing with Jamie. I haven't even close to reached her levels, but I can see how I never get out of the house on time and I have a hard time separating my time up fairly. In the past two weeks I've worked what works out to around two full 40 hour work weeks with only two days off. Each day I work you have to add on another 1-1.5 hours for my commute. This has been mainly at the cost of my sleep, but I also have friends at home and friends from school I'd like to keep in touch with. In what free time I have, it seems as if I spend a lot of time doing nothing-- and then everyone wants me at once. Jamie and I hang out, An calls, Sofa and Masa are online and I've worked a 9 hour day so I'm exhausted as it is. 

It's not an excuse. I should be better on time and I should stick better to plans, but I've always been awful at getting the hell out of the house. I know I can do a better job. But at the same time, I resent that I have to change. Once again, the problem is my fault and I need to alter my behavior. This time it is me who needs to change but still I resent it subconsciously to a point that it's hard for me to be repentant to the extent I should be. 

This is the dilemma. Who's right? Am I really wrong to be using what I've done in the past as a standard of how she should act? Maybe I am. I don't know. All I know is that this is a little too much like the merry-go-round that was high school, and this is why I wanted to get the fuck out of this state. I'm sick of having to fight. I'm sick of being the one who has to care more. She seems like she cares more but it seems to me she bails too easy to care. But maybe I'm reading it wrong. I haven't slept much. I probably am wrong.

I just want a hug. A really big hug. I want us to either move past high school and have me not be held to those standards of who I was then or I want her to meet the standards of how I acted. I want to not have to feel like this anymore. This is part of the reason why we're like this- I try to discuss shit and she doesn't respond. I can't just keep waiting. I can't put myself through that anymore. 

I also really need my fucking electricity to stop going the fuck out. Alright, though now that on my 3rd post I've mostly failed to keep this abstract and my livejournal the place for the rants, I'll survive. I'll get my hug tomorrow. That'll make it better. As will the chocolate chip cookies from ABP (Au Bon Pain). Yummmmm 

first we run and then we laugh till we cry

Damnit. For the past two days I've had all of these ideas running through my head as to what I'd write about. "No," I told myself, "You must wait at least until Thursday to post again. Just wait. Ruminate on what you're going to say." And here I am, finally 'allowed' to write and...I've forgotten what I wanted to write about. There are always my reliable fallbacks- how annoyed I am teleporters do not exist/the fact that a certain someone has not been online to amuse me since Saturday (no, seriously, the fact that he is in Switzerland/Italy is just not an excuse), the latest in the soap opera that is Phil, a pointless iTunes survey that entertains no one but me- but they're so hackneyed. Yeah, I've decided I should put my SAT vocabulary to good use. That way if Masa ever finds this he'll have to use the dictionary at least twice per paragraph. It's not pretentious. It's my way of annoying from afar. 

Alright enough with the jokes that aren't applicable to anyone actually reading this. Oh yeah, that's what I was going to write about. That sound is me doing a victory dance. Grande Green Tea Lattes + Me = Enough energy to solve the energy crisis. Well, at least for the US. I can't help China. Not yet. I was going to write about how I claim to be writing for no one, as only Sofa (and maybe Tyler or Matt) will read this, and yet I endeavor to be charming and witty all the same. In addition, wouldn't it be rather odd to craft these just for me to peruse them later? 

Then again, maybe if I didn't write them (or type them- in this day and age, do I have to specify?) I would actually talk people's ears off. You know, like, in Harry Potter Dumbledore's got that Pensieve thing to siphon off his excess thoughts. Perhaps this is the only way I can, because I clearly am not magic like them. I almost said 'because I don't have a wand', and then I realized that joke would only degrade. And I prefer my inappropriate jokes to be just a little more unique.

OH I FORGOT ABOUT THE GAME DAMNIT! Germany is playing Portugal. Germany is owning Portugal. I'm really rather aggravated at ESPN. They have this ESPN360 thing where you can see the games- but only with Verizon or some other provider. Max watched tennis at school now. I should call him and ask. I miss soccer. Dunno if I can even play. Even though there's nothing physically wrong with my knee, it still aches. Oh, and I'm wicked out of shape. I don't know if I could even run a mile and a half. YEAH THAT'S RIGHT PORTUGAL! Deutschland hat gewonnen! I need to practice my German. I've forgotten so much of it.

Anyway. Oh man, I'm going to add that to my list of things to do one day- go to a Euro Cup or World Cup game in Europe. The games are exciting enough as it is through the tv- I can't even imagine what they'd be like with all the riotous fans. I want to watch the game tomorrow but I have to work. It's really too bad that the only TV we have in there just replays scenes from movies over and over again. It should be put to better use. Namely, supplying me with entertainment. Hey, it'll increase my patience level with customers. Yes sir, I will tell you FOR THE FOURTH TIME IN THE PAST 10 MINUTES, we do not have the iPhone, being as it is not yet July 11th. Yes, that's when it's coming out. No, we don't have the old one. No, you do not have the right to be annoyed with me for this, but thanks for letting me continue my pattern of answering.

Oh damn. I want to continue my witty, but I've been distracted by the thought of a completely different rant. Mainly about boys. And this is not the place for said rant. It clearly violates the separation of purpose between my two journals. Thus, off I go. 

Plus I should probably eat, having had nothing but half a bagel sandwich. Ah Jersey, what do I do without your bagels?                                                                     

if i could i'd only want to make you smile, if you would just stay with me a while

So. Here we are, a brand new blog. Now that dear Tokyo has discovered my other blog, I've been forced to create a new one. I have no idea who exactly will read this; probably no one. But just in case someone does, I have decided that it's best to begin with a list of the persons who will be populating this. I also would prefer to keep the purpose of the two journals separate, or else I would end up neglecting one in favor of the other. However, I have not yet decided what to assign to which journal, except for the fact that this will be more for literary merit and my livejournal will continue to witness my rants. 

Still, a list of characters is needed. Just in case I renege on said decision or use important people in my ponderings. Since chances are none of them will ever read it (or if they do, it'll only be people I really like and thus people who I wouldn't write anything bad about) I'll just use their actual names.

DRAMATIS PERSONAE

Me: A 19 year old college student at a school around Boston. Female, clearly. Not the most laid back person in the world but is trying to be calmer (sometimes). Biology major and German minor. Resides in Jersey when not at school. Like other Jersey Girls, believes she comes from the best state ever. Loves music and books and soccer and figure skating. Very sarcastic. Works at an Apple retail store and in the chem department at school. 

Family: Father, old, ill, demented. Mother, not as old, sweet but at times frustrating. Greg, 16 (almost 17), brother, pretty cool. Matt, 15, other brother, can be cool but occasionally throws temper tantrums like a toddler. Comet and Sabrina are the cats. Comet is fat and affectionate and a catnip addict. 'Brina loves playing with things, particularly mice. I also enjoy thinking up new nicknames for her. Blitz and Max are the dogs. Blitz is the mama's dog everyone loves. Max still acts like a puppy. Steals my socks for toys and incessantly tries to lick my face. 

An: Freshman year roommate, member of the forced triple (also called the sexy friendship triple, as though the school forced us together, we did not complain). Sophomore year roommate as well. Wicked awesome. Can fall asleep in mostly anything, including late night conversations, and then wakes up to add a hilarious one-liner to the conversation. Hair advisor and okay-er of my outfits. My words fail in my pathetic attempt to describe the awesomeness that is my roomie. Also can be a bitch. But cooks for me. All is good. Listens to all my BS. Loves me anyway.

Chip: Met at the birthplace of my hatred for iPhones & AT&T, i.e the Apple Store. Worked with me for a short while. Recently graduated from college. Really tall. Really funny. Really cute. Really amazing. My words will simply fall short at my pathetic attempt to describe this awesomeness. Both exactly like me and exactly my opposite- shares my enjoyment of all things random but likes dark chocolate. But I like him enough to pardon him for his ridiculous tastes in chocolate. Which means a whole lot. 

Chrissy: Friend from high school, since freshman year. Shares German & Polish jokes and occasionally food. Understands the deep meaning of kielbasa euphemisms. Is dating Tom. Was set up by me. Sometimes is deeply indebted to me for this, at other times hates my guts.

Fuzzy/Jess: Friend from skating. Friends since I was like 10. Looks younger than any of my other friends for all that she's almost 21. Love her anyway. Love making fun of her too.

Jamie: Other member of the triple. Dancer extraordinaire. Not living with us next year, but will miss us so much she probably will take up residence on our floor. Short but the scary when angered. Nocturnal by nature, she inspired intense jealousy in me by waking up at 1 PM and going to sleep at 2 AM many days. Witnessed many walks of shame. Enjoys calling me Ms. Gang Bang. Loves me anyway. 

JamieJame: Best friend. We bonded over the dead carcass of EFF, the frog we dissected freshman year in high school. We've had our share of issues but are good now. Has an awesome pool and jacuzzi. Enjoys nature peeing. Has joke alternate personalities. Is incredibly ridiculous and hilarious a majority of the time. Now goes to Notre Dame. Yeah, bitches, I have smart friends.

Katie: (Not me, Katie B). First friend in high school. We met January of 8th grade when interviewing for the scholarship for high school. My travel buddy, even though we can't live together. My advisor for pretty much anything girly. My advisor for most other things too. Now goes to Cornell. Likes Gnomes. Also likes alcohol. But who doesn't?

Kim: Friend from college. Only other bio major friend. We spent many mornings and many nights mutually agreeing the chemistry department is evil and needs to die somewhere. Awesome.

Masa: Known also as Tokyo. This really annoying, obnoxious senior (now graduated) was in my German recitation for two semesters. Lured me to his house with offers of tea when I was coming down with tonsillitis at the end of November. Good friend & brief but important relationship as he showed me how awful Phil truly was and what I deserved. Now resides in Tokyo. While occasionally we can be nice, our usual encounters involve repeated insults and snarky comments.

Max: Birthday buddy from college. Also only birthday buddy. 3 or 6 hours younger than me. Awesome. Plays guitar for me. Taught me to play a song on guitar. Another science person. I use his room as a place to study when my room is too distracting or when I'm upset. Awesome. (He gets two awesomes.)

NatNat: We met because we both dated this guy Zak. This was in my freshman year of high school. First she hated me. Now we're good friends. Amazingly talented. We enjoy driving down the shore at midnight. Also called NatNat Panda.

Nicole: A friend of Fuzzy's who is now my friend. Also goes to school in the Boston area. Occasionally drives me nuts. I still love her though.

Phil: Also known as ExBoy. He was the first boy I kissed and my first time. And the first guy to cheat on me. All in all we were together for about 16 months. Now has a new girlfriend who's paranoid and suspicious who is my favorite person to hate. As I found out he cheated on me after he got owned in bed by an Asian, I wasn't nearly as upset as I would have been. We now no longer talk. I still occasionally enjoy talking about the entire situation though; it's better than daytime soaps.

Sarah: The only other white girl in the Harem. The Harem consists of the triple, Sofa, Kim, Sarah and Vicky. We all lived in the same dorm. Boys obviously gave us this name. Math and Dance Goddess. Also says blessings over the Jewish wine we drink.

Sofa: Lived next door to me at school. Still technically lives next door to me, since I live in North Jersey and she lives in the city. Probably the only person who will read this blog. Is massively well endowed. Constantly summoned to my room by a high pitched SOFAAAAAAA that I would shriek down the hall. Loves American Eagle as much as I do. Occasional Travel Buddy. Awesome beyond words.

Tom: Dates Chrissy. Co-worker, as he helped me get the job at Apple. Occasionally very useful; occasionally also a huge pain in the ass. A good friend for all that we bash on each other constantly. Set me up with Phil. I forgave him.

Zak: My first boyfriend, for all that we never so much as kissed. Friend from the beginning of middle school. After dating in freshman year of high school, we reverted back to being awesome friends. Really tall. My guy guru. 

And whew, what a long first post. If any of these people happen to read this and don't like their name being used, please alert me. I will be more than happy to think up an appropriate nickname. I also clearly did not include certain people. It is not that I do not love them or they are not important to my life; they just are not necessarily going to pop up in any post. So don't be hurt! 

Well, my introductory post is over now. Mainly because I need to get my ass moving and get to work to tell yet more people No, we do not have the iPhone yet. I still love my job though. I usually like to end my posts in a concise, not cliché, well-pulled-together way. Can't think of a way to. And somehow, I don't think telling my boss that that's why I'm late is going to go over very well. So no thought provoking and satisfying last sentence for you. Or me.

Damn.