such boundless pleasure, we've no time for later now

I am a generally happy person. Despite my dying father, being the most competent adult in the household, constantly losing people who are so important to my life, my three and a half year jaunt with my own mortality hanging over me and all the other normal stresses and drama that come along with being a human being, a vast majority of the time I feel happy or even very happy. This happiness is a product of concentrated effort to appreciate all I had, to take exactly what was in front of me and never look back, to content myself with what I had and not spend too much time bemoaning what I couldn't have. Not to say I don't complain; I complain more than anyone I know. Much of what I say doesn't reflect how I feel inside; saying it is what releases my inner resentment at perceived unfairness and stress. 

In many way this is a successful ploy. I am happy. My aim was accomplished. It's been almost a year since I found out I don't have Huntington's. Hm, I should try to find that piece of paper. I wanted to frame it and you'd think me, the ultimate packrat, would have enshrined that thing. Aha, found it. Sometimes, though, I still feel as if I'm living like I'm dying. There's this certain frantic edge to what you do, a grasping hold where you grab onto anything, no matter how tenuous, to feel more. You take what you can get and endeavor to deeply experience everything and regret nothing. 

There's sayings everywhere that encourage one to live as if they were dying, and in a lot of ways it's true. More than once I've decided to do something just for the hell of it, and if sometimes I'm reckless, I'm okay with that. Everything from staying up late to sleeping with someone has resulted from a 'Fuck it' moment directly tied to a desire to live life for everything it has to offer. And I love it almost all the time. I love feeling alive, I love feeling as though I've accomplished something, I love being able to do nothing at all and just by appreciating the moment it's something. 

But at other times, I wonder if appreciating everything has led me to settle for less. I wonder if taking what I can get and accepting it has led me to miss out on things I could have gotten had I pushed for it. For instance, I've met some (two) truly amazing guys. I've had a lot of fun and learned a lot and been changed a lot for the better by them. But I have never been told 'I love you' (well, my freshman-year-in-high-school-'boyfriend' might have, but it doesn't count). I have never had a serious boyfriend, never been in a serious relationship-relationship with the titles and number 2 on speed dial thing. I've never celebrated anniversaries or been introduced as 'my girlfriend'. I'm just 19 and a half, I guess it's not that unusual, but considering how I've had serious physical relationships (notice the plural) and they have come with emotional connections, it makes me wonder.

On one hand my recklessness pushes me towards taking what I can get- the more than friends but less than dating relationships I constantly get myself into. They care about me and I care about them; we both have fun; who needs to hear I love you, anyway? On the other hand, I wonder if this is what's preventing me from being in the stable kind of relationship I really want. I don't think it's that I'm not datable. I just think that I get in situations where dating is not an option. 

Then again, maybe a stable relationship is what I want but not what I need. Maybe that one more fucking person leaving me would be what pushes me over the edge into cynicism and general hatred of mankind. Maybe this way I get almost everything I want without as much of the danger of the rest. I don't know. See, this is the rationalization that goes on in my head that makes me happy. Or helps keep my happiness intact. It's probably a bad time to be dating anyway; after a certain period of time I have to leave the person or they have to leave me because I live in different places. 

Oh, who really cares. I'm living fast and sometimes I worry I'll crash, but when it comes down to it I'm not going to change how I'm living very much. I have plans for the future but none for tomorrow and that's exactly how I like it. I live spontaneously and planned, laid back and frantic and while it makes life crazy I can't imagine it any other way. While sometimes I worry- will I find someone who actually wants to say I love you to me and does say it, someone who wants to spend the rest of their life with me who I want to spend the rest of my life with- I'm only 19 and a half. I have plenty of time to worry about that in 5 years.

It will all work out. I do live slightly less frantically than I did. The other day someone told me 'You've been dying since you were born' and I didn't even connect it with the morbid thoughts I'd usually get until today. I see mothers with children and it doesn't make me sad. I'm getting used to the idea that my death doesn't have to hang over everything I do. I'm just like any other person my age, I'm normal. 

You know, I should probably stop bashing on myself as much. I'm going to be me for a long, long time (barring any unforeseen circumstances just like anyone else). I'm going to be me!

And since that concept made me so happy and continues to make me so happy, I should be less hard on myself. Even though I have my faults (like the fact I continuously talk about myself, geez, talk about boring) I have all this time now. So many possibilities and so many opportunities. The world is so much bigger and even though it's uglier than I can comprehend, it's larger and more beautiful than I can imagine. And as long as I remember that, because I can remember that, I'll be happy.

Screw worrying. There are bad sides to every choice I've ever made and there are undoubtedly consequences to my contradictory approach to life- but I've already decided it was more than worth the risk. It will all work out in the end.

And there is someone out there for me, and if he can't put up with my intensity or if he misses out on me because of the way I live, then he's not the one for me, is he now.

i wanna wake up where you are

Yeah so I wrote like 5 paragraphs of a post and I just deleted them all. I might regret it later but oh well. A new topic has come to my mind and I'd rather write about it than whatever I was writing about. Though I do need to re-iterate my aggravation with my situation to preface this. I have found two very different but awesome guys in the past 9 months. They're both sweet, nice, funny and intelligent. They both make me laugh and make my day and they are two kinds of guys I would gladly date. However, one lives thousands of miles away. The other will live a few hundred miles away when I go back to school. This doesn't sound like that much, particularly not when said right after a distance that inarguably ends any chance of a relationship. But with gas prices sky high, the economy in a recession and with a ridiculous course load, the distance puts some serious strain on the possibility of anything.

Here is my quandary. The first of these guys is obviously Masa. Masa was (and is) great. I consider him a good friend and at this point I believe that he's affected my life for the better more than any other guy as of yet. Okay fine, that only includes Phil, but whatever. However, he lives in Tokyo. I got over him because I saw no other option. He's gone and I miss him- but he's not coming back as far as I can see. 

And now there's Chip. Our relationship isn't serious; we're not dating. He's not ready for it and I'm okay with that. But it's regardless an exclusive thing. He saw texts from Masa and got a bit weird about it; he didn't get upset or angry, but I understand the less that thrilled reaction. If he had (or has) saved texts from an ex I would seriously doubt whether he was ready for anything right now. I keep them because I'm scared of forgetting what's happened to me and he said he understands, but still. 

So now I'm caught in between what I had and what I might have. I don't want to hurt Chip or make it seem as though I'm not over Masa. The fact is is that I am. I thought in May it would take me longer, but it wasn't one of those things that had possibility. At the same time, I don't want to hurt Masa. He's still a good friend of mine and I don't want to lose him. I don't want him to think that I don't care or that he didn't mean anything to me because I care a lot and he still means a lot to me. I just happened to find someone really awesome faster than I expected. 

And I suppose this seems stupid to anyone reading this. It's not like Chip and Masa know each other at all. There's no reason I can't accomplish this- making sure Chip knows I'm over Masa and into him and he's not a rebound in the slightest and that Masa knows I've moved on romantically but that I still want him in my life. But I feel awful. Maybe I'm just worrying about nothing; I've talked to Chip about the texts and I do believe that he would tell me if he had a problem, and while Masa hasn't answered my IMs, he might just be busy or overwhelmed, not upset. I just feel as though that's not the case, not with Masa. When it comes down to it, Masa is thousands of miles away and could just fade into my past. But I don't want that.

I don't want to keep gaining and losing these people. I had to lose Masa in the romantic sense. It wasn't anything he or I did; it was the situation. But I don't want to lose my friend. I don't want him to think it's anything personal. At the same time, I don't want to Chip to think he's just second best, just the guy I'm settling for because I can't have the one I really want, because it's not that either, not even close. Chip is awesome like whoa.

Fuck distance. Fuck that no one has invented teleporters yet. That would solve the energy crisis. Fuck that I can't make things right. And fuck that I'm leaving again so soon! At least I didn't meet them both at the same time and have to choose. Masa is great. Chip though...I don't know, there's something about him or the way I feel about him or us that is different than anything I've felt before that I can't explain at all, but I do know that even though I know Masa pretty well and I've known Chip less than a month, I would find the decision insanely difficult. And coming from a person who needs to know someone to feel comfortable and needs to be comfortable for the relationship to work best, that's really saying something about how much I like Chip. What am I going to say in four months, when it's actually a comparable thing? 

Oh shit. Look at this. This is supposed to be the more mature journal where I write about ideas instead of people, about concepts instead of events. I'm supposed to ponder bigger things or at least talk about the 'higher' ground. For instance, instead of comparing the guys in my life, I should postulate on how important differences and similarities are in making relationships work. Aaahhhh damnit. 

Oh well. It's ironic, how this situation is amazing and sucky. I have these great guys but these odd situations. Whatever. What happens, happens and I fully intend to take what I can get and enjoy every moment I have with Chip and not worry about what might occur later. We'll either work out or not and worrying about it won't change it. If I had wasted my time in April worrying about Masa and I, I would have been incredibly mad at myself. I don't intend to start letting any qualms I have about the future fuck up my present. Not now. Not ever.

I need to go get my brother. Ohhhhh chauffeuring. 

maybe you're gonna be the one that saves me

This post has been in production for well over a week. I've finally decided to finish the damn thing (heavily changing it, of course). Anything to keep me awake. I go to sleep late and wake up early, and I just napped for about 3 hours. It's only 5:48 I'm tired as balls. That's a funny expression. Can balls be tired? I thought they only hurt when they were aggravated. 

Strange, though. At school I woke up earliest at 8:07 and I typically went to sleep by 12 or 1. Now I wake up at 6:40 or 7:40 or on oh-so-joyous days, 8:40. And I still go to sleep at 12 or 1. But I feel so much less tired, so much more inclined to get out of bed. Which is actually rather awesome. Because I'm either becoming more resistant to sleep deprivation (like Sofa) or it's just for the summer- but who cares? This is when I'd rather be more resistant to requiring excessive sleeps. 

So bad things? Problems with friends from home & my family have been driving me up the wall. Good things? There is so this really cute guy at work who I really like hanging out with and he gives awesome hugs. Like, it's hard to give a bad hug. But his hugs are excellent. And I'm not just saying it to say it just because he's interested in me and I'm interested in him. 

Here's the thing though- he just got out of a relationship and even though it's been almost 2 months since I left school and 1 week since I've heard from Masa, it really hasn't been that long. What is the appropriate time periods before you can be interested (even a little) in someone else? I know they say it's when you're ready for it, but there has to be a point at which it's just skanky. Here's the other thing- he lives far away from me now. In a few months (Christ, 2 months) he'll be even farther away from me. How come I find two guys in a row who are awesome and amazing, who are so different from one another except in this one thing, this one similarity that is their only shortcoming: they live or will live more than 200 miles away from me?

That was truly atrocious grammar. I apologize. 

I'm going to switch to an almost completely unrelated topic. Oh no, wait! I must add a short description of this guy. If he turns out to be a permanent fixture in my life, he'll get added to the original list of characters. I introduce Chip (it's his nickname), a fellow Apple employee (for now). Recently graduated. Tall & cute. Really sweet. Really nice. Really smart. Really awesome. Really need to find a better superlative than really. 

So originally this was going to be about something else, but I no longer find it relevant. The current topic is my inability to be in a relationship that's anything but friends with benefits. I'm always either not looking or looking for a boyfriend. I find great guys. Or I think I do, in the case of Phil. But it always ends up this way- basically dating but not. I've been with two guys and I have yet to have a serious boyfriend. Now another friends with benefits situation is on my hands and I just have to laugh.

How many times do I say I want a boyfriend, I want a nice stable steady relationship and a guy I can count on- and how many times do I end up in this situation? Honestly, it just makes me laugh. And not in a cynical and bitter kind of way, in a genuinely amused way. I'd love a boyfriend. I want the romance and the cute texts and the knowledge that there's someone out there who would do anything for you and loves you and all that. I want the adorable stories and the cards and the romantic gestures. I really do. But I don't want to miss something else that would be almost as good waiting for something I think is better.

Friends with benefits hasn't always worked out for me. I always get attached. Way too attached. Sometimes they fuck me over (-Cough-Phil-Cough) and sometimes they just off and disappear to Europe (Damn Masa). On the other hand, this doesn't mean they didn't work out for me. Phil, as much as I hate to admit it now, as much as he did cause and do bad things, did also affect my life in good ways. It could have ended a lot worse between us. The first guy is important, but so is the first guy to treat you right if those two are not the same guy. Neither of them are as important as the last guy. 

So no, I don't want to end up with all these relationships that meant a lot to me but not as much to them. I don't want to look back and realize that I engaged in a cycle of telling myself something meant something to make myself feel better about the fact that I was sleeping with someone who couldn't be bothered to date me. I don't want to be that girl. I don't want to brainwash myself into things anymore.

On the other hand, I do honestly believe that you don't need to date someone to truly care about them or even love them. You don't need the title of boyfriend or girlfriend to show that you care. And much as I don't want to regret anything, there's something I don't want even more. 

I don't want to end up forgetting what I've learned from my past. When I thought that I might carry that awful disease, I told myself that I was going to live fast and hard. I never wanted to waste time fighting or being upset if I could possibly help it. I wanted to feel every single second of my life because I never knew when it would end. I'm a little different now. I don't need to live as fast. But now I never want to lose that intense desire to live. I named this blog infinitebloomabilities and that's what I don't want to forget. Bloomabilities is this word from this book that I loved, it came out when I was like 9. In it, this kid uses the word bloomabilities for possibilities because he's all ESL like that. 

But the whole book gives off this feeling of life being something so great and wide and vast and the characters are in love with it, even though it sucks sometimes, even though bad things happen. I don't want to forget that the possibilities in this world are endless and that not risking anything is the best way to lose what you want. In a lot of ways I have matured since high school. I can't be that same person who wore that uniform and slaved away for four years. I can, however, be who that person wanted to be- happy, more secure, always appreciating what she has, never saying no to something because it might end badly, always ready to do something a little crazy and never ever letting her fear get in the way of doing something that has the possibility of being amazing. 

So I can see where this friends with benefits thing might hurt me. I've been through it twice before; I know where the pitfalls are and I know the dangers. And I don't care. You only live once and I'd rather do something and wish I hadn't than not do something and wish I did. Life is a sucky place right now in a lot of ways. I don't want to lose sight of the marvelous adventure it can be. This all sounds so cliché. Oh well. I'd rather love and lose than not love at all. And I'd rather enjoy what I have now than worry about losing it. What will happen in August will happen. He could be the most amazing thing to happen to me thus far.

And if not? Well, that's what chocolate chip cookies and friends with bats, clubs and evil intent are there for.