There are times when I am so aggravated with all of this. I want the freedom to do something crazy, to do what I want. Every serious decision I make has to be made with my family in mind. I splurge on what I buy now sometimes because the time in which I will have disposable cash is ever shortening. When I graduate, I will have loans to pay off and my parents to support. I'm sure that their cash reserves will last a bit, but I'm relying on those now to get me through school and my parents through life until I graduate. They will need to buy another house. Or if they live in an apartment, that will cost money too. And sure, this house will sell for something, but still.
There will need to be someone to take care of them, someone to clean, someone to make sure they eat. Help is expensive. Or I'll have to be there to do it. They drive me crazy. I can't bear to be around them. I'm so resentful, I think I really need to see someone, because I just hate this.
It's just, what about my life? What if I want to move in with someone? I can't leave this goddamn house. After I graduate, how am I supposed to pay back my loans, live with someone and contribute my half of the household/apartmenthold, and support my parents? Who the fuck is going to want to be with me and my baggage? It's not like there's anything I can do about it. I'm responsible for them. Who would wait for that? What if I miss out on everything I want because I can't take the steps I want to to sustain a meaningful relationship- because I'm tied down to all of this?
Ugh, this is awful. They're my parents and all I can is resent them. And this is just a huge mess of self pity. Who needs someone to love them, anyway?
More self pity. I'm sorry, I'm just so angry
EDIT:
Oh well. What am I going to do? Everyone else deserves to live their lives too. No one else should have to be dragged down by this and me. I'll figure something out. Being alone won't kill me. I have my whole life. My brothers may be sick. I'm not. It's my responsibility to take care of our parents. Nothing else I can do
Thursday, August 13, 2009
Wednesday, August 5, 2009
with my lightning bolts a'glowin'
In the midst of all this suffering and all of this torture, I've felt lost and questioned my basic beliefs in justice, in how everything works out, in finding happiness and in finding the brighter side of everything.
It's something I've struggled with before, and I'm sure I will struggle with it again. It really should be expected. I strive to be optimistic, but blind optimism is naïve and it's only natural as an intelligent and informed person to wonder at the state our world is in.
Within the past week, a drunk and high woman drove up the wrong side of a highway and hit another vehicle head on. She killed the occupants of the other car, herself, her toddler and three nieces. All the children were under the age of 8. Two teenage boys were driving on a road I've driven on a million times. It was raining and their Corvette hydroplaned or they couldn't see the lines or something and they ended up on the other side of the road, where they were hit head on by an SUV. Both boys died. One boy, the boy who's 'vette it was, just lost his mother in April. His dad died years ago. He left just his brother as the sole survivor of their family. Both boys were going to be sophomores.
All these lives, all these people, gone, cut short, gone before they really started. I can't figure out how that fits into the 'everything works out' belief. Maybe it's stupid to believe that it all works out, but maybe it's incredibly brave as well because you're believing something that you know damn well will be hard as hell to believe in.
However, they also mean that even though life sucks, there's no reason to just let it slip away. It can be gone in a freak second. Might as well make all those seconds before hand matter.
Maybe that's what it is. Every thing works out not because life works out, but because if there's any fight in you, you find a way to make your life matter to you. Everything works out because you make it that way. I will make it that way. We will get through this. We will be okay
It's something I've struggled with before, and I'm sure I will struggle with it again. It really should be expected. I strive to be optimistic, but blind optimism is naïve and it's only natural as an intelligent and informed person to wonder at the state our world is in.
Within the past week, a drunk and high woman drove up the wrong side of a highway and hit another vehicle head on. She killed the occupants of the other car, herself, her toddler and three nieces. All the children were under the age of 8. Two teenage boys were driving on a road I've driven on a million times. It was raining and their Corvette hydroplaned or they couldn't see the lines or something and they ended up on the other side of the road, where they were hit head on by an SUV. Both boys died. One boy, the boy who's 'vette it was, just lost his mother in April. His dad died years ago. He left just his brother as the sole survivor of their family. Both boys were going to be sophomores.
All these lives, all these people, gone, cut short, gone before they really started. I can't figure out how that fits into the 'everything works out' belief. Maybe it's stupid to believe that it all works out, but maybe it's incredibly brave as well because you're believing something that you know damn well will be hard as hell to believe in.
However, they also mean that even though life sucks, there's no reason to just let it slip away. It can be gone in a freak second. Might as well make all those seconds before hand matter.
Maybe that's what it is. Every thing works out not because life works out, but because if there's any fight in you, you find a way to make your life matter to you. Everything works out because you make it that way. I will make it that way. We will get through this. We will be okay
Tuesday, August 4, 2009
my own two arms will carry you tonight, tonight
I don't know what's wrong with me. I had a truly amazing 2 days. Actually, from Friday to today was all really good. Even before that, it hasn't been that bad. My parents have been irking me and what not, but I actually got that stuff all worked out. I'm still worried out of my mind, but I've gotten better at not thinking about it. Nothing else I can do yet, worrying too much can't help anyone. I don't feel listless or anything like that.
But there's just this....this awful ominous feeling. It's not about anything in particular, which is especially obnoxious. Usually I'll have them, but something specific will feel likely. For instance, I won't have a good feeling about my family- maybe not bad, but it won't feel good- or school, or friends, or Chip, or something like that. But this isn't like that. There are things that are exacerbating my worry, but I know that they're not the cause of it, and that my worries aren't intuition, they're just worries. It's just the waiting.
I'm awful at waiting. The relief I felt at finding out I was safe, that I didn't have Huntington's, was the single most amazing feeling I have ever felt. It wasn't instantaneous and it never really fully hit me all at once. I've had plenty of other much more amazing 'point experiences'. I've have equally amazing long term experiences. But that relief...it was so much more than anything I could ever explain. I think a lot of it was just the immense stress from not knowing driving me crazy. I never ever had any intuition about what the answer would be. I tried. It never came to me.
Maybe that's what this is, the waiting. I'm so impatient. I'd rather get everything done right now, right this second, I'd rather deal with bad things now then later. I guess what it comes down to is that I'm terrified of the unknown. Waiting is the most excruciating torture.
And I think that's what my uneasy feeling is. I don't want to go back to school, I'm afraid. I'm angry that I'm afraid, but I am. I want things to change but I don't. I don't understand why I'm so uneasy, so afraid. I have always been able to find happiness. I always make it work somehow. I have gotten through bad things and I have seen people get through awful times and I know people who have gone through so much worse. And they made it out, they're okay, I'm okay, we're all okay.
But I read these stories in the paper, these awful stories of these people who's lives went to hell and I don't get it. I believe things work out in the end. How do some of these things work out? And my life, I'm balancing it just like it is right now. Any movement is catastrophic. I know things may well change when I go back to school. I'm okay with it. I know it will be hard. I hope I really like my job at MGH. If I like it, I can spend a lot of time there. Maybe that will help.
Still, I'm terrified. Even though I consciously know this terror is understandable but stupid because I always make it through. And in my life, everything really has always worked out in the end. Things I thought were awful and terrible- best case in point, when Phil broke up with me- ended up being the best things that happened. I thought it would be awful when he told me we couldn't talk anymore, but I made the decision to move on, and so when I found out he cheated on me, it was all anger, not pain. And I had already consciously decided none of what I was going through was worth it. My life is still fucked up and messy, but I make it work. So why am I so scared?
I don't want to lose Chip. I have had my share of bad choices, I have made mistakes, I have failed. We both have had roughs times, some of our own making, some because that's life. We both got through it. I always wanted someone who was always there for me, never forgot about me, someone who would sort of take care of me. I have amazing friends, and all of them help me by listening, but I always feel like I have to take care of them, and that burdening them with my problems prevents that. I always wanted a me: not perfect but unerringly there. Chip is a me. Don't take him from me. Romantically or whatever, well, that I don't expect. Our paths will inevitably depart in that respect eventually. Will they meet again? I don't know. And that's okay, because there's no reason we can't be friends and then I wouldn't have lost him now, would I?
But don't take him from me. He deserves his beautiful future life far more than I deserve mine.
I feel a little better
But there's just this....this awful ominous feeling. It's not about anything in particular, which is especially obnoxious. Usually I'll have them, but something specific will feel likely. For instance, I won't have a good feeling about my family- maybe not bad, but it won't feel good- or school, or friends, or Chip, or something like that. But this isn't like that. There are things that are exacerbating my worry, but I know that they're not the cause of it, and that my worries aren't intuition, they're just worries. It's just the waiting.
I'm awful at waiting. The relief I felt at finding out I was safe, that I didn't have Huntington's, was the single most amazing feeling I have ever felt. It wasn't instantaneous and it never really fully hit me all at once. I've had plenty of other much more amazing 'point experiences'. I've have equally amazing long term experiences. But that relief...it was so much more than anything I could ever explain. I think a lot of it was just the immense stress from not knowing driving me crazy. I never ever had any intuition about what the answer would be. I tried. It never came to me.
Maybe that's what this is, the waiting. I'm so impatient. I'd rather get everything done right now, right this second, I'd rather deal with bad things now then later. I guess what it comes down to is that I'm terrified of the unknown. Waiting is the most excruciating torture.
And I think that's what my uneasy feeling is. I don't want to go back to school, I'm afraid. I'm angry that I'm afraid, but I am. I want things to change but I don't. I don't understand why I'm so uneasy, so afraid. I have always been able to find happiness. I always make it work somehow. I have gotten through bad things and I have seen people get through awful times and I know people who have gone through so much worse. And they made it out, they're okay, I'm okay, we're all okay.
But I read these stories in the paper, these awful stories of these people who's lives went to hell and I don't get it. I believe things work out in the end. How do some of these things work out? And my life, I'm balancing it just like it is right now. Any movement is catastrophic. I know things may well change when I go back to school. I'm okay with it. I know it will be hard. I hope I really like my job at MGH. If I like it, I can spend a lot of time there. Maybe that will help.
Still, I'm terrified. Even though I consciously know this terror is understandable but stupid because I always make it through. And in my life, everything really has always worked out in the end. Things I thought were awful and terrible- best case in point, when Phil broke up with me- ended up being the best things that happened. I thought it would be awful when he told me we couldn't talk anymore, but I made the decision to move on, and so when I found out he cheated on me, it was all anger, not pain. And I had already consciously decided none of what I was going through was worth it. My life is still fucked up and messy, but I make it work. So why am I so scared?
I don't want to lose Chip. I have had my share of bad choices, I have made mistakes, I have failed. We both have had roughs times, some of our own making, some because that's life. We both got through it. I always wanted someone who was always there for me, never forgot about me, someone who would sort of take care of me. I have amazing friends, and all of them help me by listening, but I always feel like I have to take care of them, and that burdening them with my problems prevents that. I always wanted a me: not perfect but unerringly there. Chip is a me. Don't take him from me. Romantically or whatever, well, that I don't expect. Our paths will inevitably depart in that respect eventually. Will they meet again? I don't know. And that's okay, because there's no reason we can't be friends and then I wouldn't have lost him now, would I?
But don't take him from me. He deserves his beautiful future life far more than I deserve mine.
I feel a little better
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