we'll only hit the ground running

It's now July 29th and I'm back in Jersey. I probably should have updated a -bit- more in Germany. I mean, it's arguably the most interesting thing to ever happen to me and for once I could have written things that people wanted to read. Sofa somehow writes these fantastically interesting posts about seemingly minor events but I am not blessed with this skill. So Germany was my one chance to be really interesting. Ah well

A lot of people told me that studying abroad that I would 'find myself'. I don't really know if that's true. I've only been home for a week and a half (my god, it feels like so much longer. Two weeks ago I was noch im Deutschland mit Kinder Riegeln und die Altstadt und die Neckar und....) Perhaps I need some time to obtain the proper perspective. Maybe once the culture shock goes away. Seriously, why are the malls here SO big? Why is everyone so surprised when I walk to the store? And why can't I get from one place to another with public transportation?!

However, I have noticed two minor things about myself. First off, I feel more self conscious. Maybe this is because I only had myself to worry about in a country full of people I was terrified of upsetting. I wanted to fit in like a proper German. I constantly was self conscious, though, of my accent, my poor grammar and vocabulary, my possible lack of cultural understanding. It's not a paralyzing thing, but there (and here) I find myself even more concerned about what people think and say about me.

Second off, English grammar has become more and more elusive to me. I sometimes stare at the words I've written and literally have no idea if I make any sense at all or if the words are hopelessly out of order. I don't know why. I spoke English a lot in Germany. I typed in it to all my friends. I read the NYTimes. It's my mother language for fuck's sake. I should just know it! I usually write a sentence, do a double take, realize I have no idea if it's right or wrong, and just continue on and hope my implicit memory is better than my explicit memory.

Thus, I should stop writing now, as this is probably already hopelessly muddled, with run on sentences and sloppy punctuation mark usage.

However, I leave you with a semi-interesting fact: The human mind really only processes 4 clauses in a sentence at a time. After 4 commas / dashes / whatever, the mind goes FUCK YOU GODDAMNIT and stops connecting them. It confuses me why my German books still have sentences that take up half the page, but I suppose they're just an overachieving lot.

Also, I have decided to spread the knowledge of Paul the Psychic Octopus to the US. I find it disturbing how many people are not creeped out by this cephalopod's predictive powers. I am additionally finding it hard to communicate the awesomeness of German bachelor and bachelorette parties. It leaves out the fact that the bride/grooms sell these condoms and thongs to finance their drinking. Which is important.

If I have gained nothing else from Germany, it is this: a desire to one day have a bachelorette party sort of like that

That and the desire to bring the magic of Kinder Riegeln to the US. Mmmmmmm

this time baby, i'll be bulletproof

On March 14th, I arrived in Tübingen, Germany, which is to be my home until July. The first few days were some of the most miserable times I have ever experienced. It's gotten better, though they tell us that the homesickness and sadness is not over yet; in fact, it probably hasn't begun yet. Typically you arrive, are all excited, then become sad and homesick and finally adjust and acclimate to your new home. We'll see how that goes.

People keep asking me how Europe is, and I have a hard time answering that. It's sort of the same. There's land, there's people, there are houses and schools and stores and everything that the US has. There are a lot of struggles similar to the first weeks of college: Who's going to be your friend? Where do you fit in? How do you do your laundry? Where's the best place to eat? Drink? How in the world do I get around?

There's a lot of things that are very different too, and most are sneaky. These tiny things actually are the most apt to set off homesickness. Like their recycling- I always recycle at home, but I still can't figure out what the hell is supposed to go where. Or that they stop at red crosswalk lights even if there's no cars coming. Or that you don't pay to get on buses- you're simply expected to pay, and while they have random checks, I've seen one check in the two and half weeks I've been here for. Or that there's practically no Wi-FI and I haven't seen a single Jeep since I left the States. You wake up one morning and you realize you're in another country, with a weird fridge and a washing machine with options you've never heard of before with brand names in stores you've never seen and no idea how to get a hold of a damn chocolate chip cookie.

A lot of these things are actually nice. I like the general culture. I love how it looks, the people are all nice, and I can't find too much I absolutely dislike. Regardless, it's quite different.

And then there's the whole language issue. I've taken 5 semesters of German, which is what you're required to take to come here. My German was absurdly awful when I first got here, but it's improved a lot in the scant 2.5 weeks I've lived here. I found myself thinking in German on the way home. It wasn't as natural as thinking in English, I was thinking words, not thoughts (if that makes sense- think about it, if you speak another language) but regardless, I had to make myself switch to English. Even now there are a few phrases that I almost type in German instead of English. Still though, my brain runs too fast for my German to keep up, yet. I make mistakes and realize them right away, but I'm already 3 words in the future and it must make for very confusing German to listen to. The people here are all very nice and most say that my German is not that bad at all.

It absolutely adds another layer of complexity to the general experience. You're in a different country and everything runs differently- but you can't even understand the language well enough to figure out what IS different. Even just ordering food or asking for directions can be disheartening. Getting mail is worse sometimes, because 'official' German is AWFUL to read. Their Burokratie rivals the insanity of the DMV. It's all very well organized but it is intense.

Like I said though, I've been fairly happy. Sometimes when I'm tired I'm sick of speaking German and I just want a Big Mac and screens in my windows and a cell phone with an area code I know (I have no idea how their phone numbers work) but most of the time, I find myself entranced by how different things are and interested in really learning German and excited to spend a few months here. I'm not really homesick at all- but I do miss Chip and my friends desperately. Each day is a bit different, but it's always hard to be so far away from them.

My parents have been and on and off worry. For the first time here, I can go the whole day without worrying. They seem so far away, they sometimes don't even register on my worry scale. I feel rather carefree, honestly. It's a great realization, because I've always worried that I would have nothing to talk about and nothing to make me me if I ever didn't have to worry about my parents. I'm pretty much the same person though, just less stressed. On the other hand, I need to worry about them and I feel a bit guilty. It is so hard to get things done from Germany. When I worry, I want to do things, and I want to do them now- but I can't. I need to wait. This isn't something I'm good with, though it's a good time to work on it.

I'm going to Rome next week. It's waay more expensive than I would have liked, but it is Rome. And it will be fantastic. I'm going with two really cool girls from my program, I think we'll work out well as travel partners. I hope so. Then real classes start.

This sounds a bit depressing, but really, Germany is great in a lot of ways. I think it's really good for me to focus on me for a little- I've never gone so long without really worrying about my parents before, and I've never been able to shrug it off so well. Like I said, it makes me feel guilty, but sometimes....just what am I supposed to do? And I have the internet and I can call and IM people and Skype is amazing, so that makes it better too. It's just one semester, and it feels like forever, but the past 4 months went by so fast...I swear I was JUST in Jamaica...so these 4 months will go by fast as well

Bis später!

crack the shutters open wide;; i want to bathe in the light of day

Oh dear, it's 2010. This is so bizarre. It's like when I finally turned 18. It was surreal that I had reached a point I had been looking forward to for so long. I turn 21 in 21 days. It'll make life so much easier! It's also the last birthday that's really worth looking forward to. That's a bit sad, actually.

So SofSof's post was what prompted me to write. It's also because I'm using my brother's computer and I like the way the keyboard sounds. Is that something just I like? Or do other people discriminate between different keyboards and the sound/feeling they have? I doubt this is just an oddity of mine. I digress.

2009 was an interesting ride. I have a hard time characterizing years. They seem so long and yet so short that I can't adequately sum them up. I swear, I was just turning 20, but that was eons ago in Spring Semester; the summer and Fall Semester went by so quickly but the spaces in between are like chasms of time. I'm sorry, I don't mean to be so pretentious, I just can't think of any other words for it.

I suppose a lot has happened. My mom became increasingly more forgetful and was diagnosed with Mild Cognitive Impairment, or dementia, or both. Different doctors said different things. I applied for Disability for my parents and figured out how to insure them for the rest of their lives. We started getting the house fixed up to sell. Greg and I bought a car. I learned to drive stick. Greg started college. Greg crashed our car. Matt moved to Massachusetts. I survived two more semesters of college. I did research and I enjoyed it. I decided to study abroad in Germany for real. I bought my plane ticket. My Uncle Paul died. Chip and I are good. My friends and I are all good. I went to Jamaica with Chip and his family and I got my first passport stamp.

Listing all that makes me feel rather accomplished. I like it. Sometimes I feel as though I'm in the hull of a ship and water is pouring in everywhere. I keep plugging the holes, but new ones keep appearing. I only have so many plugs. I could shove my fingers in the holes too, but then I'd be stuck. I don't want to be stuck in a sinking ship, but I want to do everything I can to keep the damn thing afloat. It's nice to see that I actually did something.

I can't see what this year will bring. I turn 21, I go abroad, I start my senior year of college, I do my own research (sort of), I start applying for jobs (?!?! do you do that fall semester senior year? I feel like you do)....I don't really believe in New Year's resolutions. There are so many other points in the year at which to decide to live differently. I'm working on being more independent and less afraid of conflict with people. I'm also trying to be more motivated and proactive with my family.

Most importantly though, I'm trying to keep my happy. I always strive to be happy where I am. In high school, I didn't want to waste what time I had being sad; it felt wrong and silly to spend time upset. Once I found out I didn't have Huntington's, I wanted to enjoy the life I got back. That's why I got my tattoo and that's why I got it on my wrist. I wanted to be reminded every day how worried I had been that I was going to lose everything and how happy I was that I got it back. Everytime I see the ink I want to remember again that happiness must be found and fought for- that if I'm unhappy where I am, it's up to me to fix it. If I want to fritter my life away, that's my call, but I don't want to. I want to spend every moment I can happy and enjoying life however I want to enjoy life. There have been times this year where I haven't been happy and it hasn't been for any particular reason. That bothers me

I know that we forget the fear we feel when we think we're going to die. We have to forget it. It's mind numbing. I know we can't always feel the relief at surviving. But that doesn't mean I won't try. That middle ground between happy and sad? That place of no feeling? I'm not okay with that place. So in 2010, like every year after this, I just want to continue to find happiness. I want to embrace life, not cower under it's weight. So I will

eyes wide shut unopen

There are times when I am so aggravated with all of this. I want the freedom to do something crazy, to do what I want. Every serious decision I make has to be made with my family in mind. I splurge on what I buy now sometimes because the time in which I will have disposable cash is ever shortening. When I graduate, I will have loans to pay off and my parents to support. I'm sure that their cash reserves will last a bit, but I'm relying on those now to get me through school and my parents through life until I graduate. They will need to buy another house. Or if they live in an apartment, that will cost money too. And sure, this house will sell for something, but still.

There will need to be someone to take care of them, someone to clean, someone to make sure they eat. Help is expensive. Or I'll have to be there to do it. They drive me crazy. I can't bear to be around them. I'm so resentful, I think I really need to see someone, because I just hate this.


It's just, what about my life? What if I want to move in with someone? I can't leave this goddamn house. After I graduate, how am I supposed to pay back my loans, live with someone and contribute my half of the household/apartmenthold, and support my parents? Who the fuck is going to want to be with me and my baggage? It's not like there's anything I can do about it. I'm responsible for them. Who would wait for that? What if I miss out on everything I want because I can't take the steps I want to to sustain a meaningful relationship- because I'm tied down to all of this?

Ugh, this is awful. They're my parents and all I can is resent them. And this is just a huge mess of self pity. Who needs someone to love them, anyway?

More self pity. I'm sorry, I'm just so angry


EDIT:

Oh well. What am I going to do? Everyone else deserves to live their lives too. No one else should have to be dragged down by this and me. I'll figure something out. Being alone won't kill me. I have my whole life. My brothers may be sick. I'm not. It's my responsibility to take care of our parents. Nothing else I can do

with my lightning bolts a'glowin'

In the midst of all this suffering and all of this torture, I've felt lost and questioned my basic beliefs in justice, in how everything works out, in finding happiness and in finding the brighter side of everything.

It's something I've struggled with before, and I'm sure I will struggle with it again. It really should be expected. I strive to be optimistic, but blind optimism is naïve and it's only natural as an intelligent and informed person to wonder at the state our world is in.

Within the past week, a drunk and high woman drove up the wrong side of a highway and hit another vehicle head on. She killed the occupants of the other car, herself, her toddler and three nieces. All the children were under the age of 8. Two teenage boys were driving on a road I've driven on a million times. It was raining and their Corvette hydroplaned or they couldn't see the lines or something and they ended up on the other side of the road, where they were hit head on by an SUV. Both boys died. One boy, the boy who's 'vette it was, just lost his mother in April. His dad died years ago. He left just his brother as the sole survivor of their family. Both boys were going to be sophomores.

All these lives, all these people, gone, cut short, gone before they really started. I can't figure out how that fits into the 'everything works out' belief. Maybe it's stupid to believe that it all works out, but maybe it's incredibly brave as well because you're believing something that you know damn well will be hard as hell to believe in.

However, they also mean that even though life sucks, there's no reason to just let it slip away. It can be gone in a freak second. Might as well make all those seconds before hand matter.

Maybe that's what it is. Every thing works out not because life works out, but because if there's any fight in you, you find a way to make your life matter to you. Everything works out because you make it that way. I will make it that way. We will get through this. We will be okay

my own two arms will carry you tonight, tonight

I don't know what's wrong with me. I had a truly amazing 2 days. Actually, from Friday to today was all really good. Even before that, it hasn't been that bad. My parents have been irking me and what not, but I actually got that stuff all worked out. I'm still worried out of my mind, but I've gotten better at not thinking about it. Nothing else I can do yet, worrying too much can't help anyone. I don't feel listless or anything like that.

But there's just this....this awful ominous feeling. It's not about anything in particular, which is especially obnoxious. Usually I'll have them, but something specific will feel likely. For instance, I won't have a good feeling about my family- maybe not bad, but it won't feel good- or school, or friends, or Chip, or something like that. But this isn't like that. There are things that are exacerbating my worry, but I know that they're not the cause of it, and that my worries aren't intuition, they're just worries. It's just the waiting.

I'm awful at waiting. The relief I felt at finding out I was safe, that I didn't have Huntington's, was the single most amazing feeling I have ever felt. It wasn't instantaneous and it never really fully hit me all at once. I've had plenty of other much more amazing 'point experiences'. I've have equally amazing long term experiences. But that relief...it was so much more than anything I could ever explain. I think a lot of it was just the immense stress from not knowing driving me crazy. I never ever had any intuition about what the answer would be. I tried. It never came to me.

Maybe that's what this is, the waiting. I'm so impatient. I'd rather get everything done right now, right this second, I'd rather deal with bad things now then later. I guess what it comes down to is that I'm terrified of the unknown. Waiting is the most excruciating torture.

And I think that's what my uneasy feeling is. I don't want to go back to school, I'm afraid. I'm angry that I'm afraid, but I am. I want things to change but I don't. I don't understand why I'm so uneasy, so afraid. I have always been able to find happiness. I always make it work somehow. I have gotten through bad things and I have seen people get through awful times and I know people who have gone through so much worse. And they made it out, they're okay, I'm okay, we're all okay.

But I read these stories in the paper, these awful stories of these people who's lives went to hell and I don't get it. I believe things work out in the end. How do some of these things work out? And my life, I'm balancing it just like it is right now. Any movement is catastrophic. I know things may well change when I go back to school. I'm okay with it. I know it will be hard. I hope I really like my job at MGH. If I like it, I can spend a lot of time there. Maybe that will help.

Still, I'm terrified. Even though I consciously know this terror is understandable but stupid because I always make it through. And in my life, everything really has always worked out in the end. Things I thought were awful and terrible- best case in point, when Phil broke up with me- ended up being the best things that happened. I thought it would be awful when he told me we couldn't talk anymore, but I made the decision to move on, and so when I found out he cheated on me, it was all anger, not pain. And I had already consciously decided none of what I was going through was worth it. My life is still fucked up and messy, but I make it work. So why am I so scared?

I don't want to lose Chip. I have had my share of bad choices, I have made mistakes, I have failed. We both have had roughs times, some of our own making, some because that's life. We both got through it. I always wanted someone who was always there for me, never forgot about me, someone who would sort of take care of me. I have amazing friends, and all of them help me by listening, but I always feel like I have to take care of them, and that burdening them with my problems prevents that. I always wanted a me: not perfect but unerringly there. Chip is a me. Don't take him from me. Romantically or whatever, well, that I don't expect. Our paths will inevitably depart in that respect eventually. Will they meet again? I don't know. And that's okay, because there's no reason we can't be friends and then I wouldn't have lost him now, would I?

But don't take him from me. He deserves his beautiful future life far more than I deserve mine.

I feel a little better

See, even just by writing that, I feel a bit better. Food time