my own two arms will carry you tonight, tonight

I don't know what's wrong with me. I had a truly amazing 2 days. Actually, from Friday to today was all really good. Even before that, it hasn't been that bad. My parents have been irking me and what not, but I actually got that stuff all worked out. I'm still worried out of my mind, but I've gotten better at not thinking about it. Nothing else I can do yet, worrying too much can't help anyone. I don't feel listless or anything like that.

But there's just this....this awful ominous feeling. It's not about anything in particular, which is especially obnoxious. Usually I'll have them, but something specific will feel likely. For instance, I won't have a good feeling about my family- maybe not bad, but it won't feel good- or school, or friends, or Chip, or something like that. But this isn't like that. There are things that are exacerbating my worry, but I know that they're not the cause of it, and that my worries aren't intuition, they're just worries. It's just the waiting.

I'm awful at waiting. The relief I felt at finding out I was safe, that I didn't have Huntington's, was the single most amazing feeling I have ever felt. It wasn't instantaneous and it never really fully hit me all at once. I've had plenty of other much more amazing 'point experiences'. I've have equally amazing long term experiences. But that relief...it was so much more than anything I could ever explain. I think a lot of it was just the immense stress from not knowing driving me crazy. I never ever had any intuition about what the answer would be. I tried. It never came to me.

Maybe that's what this is, the waiting. I'm so impatient. I'd rather get everything done right now, right this second, I'd rather deal with bad things now then later. I guess what it comes down to is that I'm terrified of the unknown. Waiting is the most excruciating torture.

And I think that's what my uneasy feeling is. I don't want to go back to school, I'm afraid. I'm angry that I'm afraid, but I am. I want things to change but I don't. I don't understand why I'm so uneasy, so afraid. I have always been able to find happiness. I always make it work somehow. I have gotten through bad things and I have seen people get through awful times and I know people who have gone through so much worse. And they made it out, they're okay, I'm okay, we're all okay.

But I read these stories in the paper, these awful stories of these people who's lives went to hell and I don't get it. I believe things work out in the end. How do some of these things work out? And my life, I'm balancing it just like it is right now. Any movement is catastrophic. I know things may well change when I go back to school. I'm okay with it. I know it will be hard. I hope I really like my job at MGH. If I like it, I can spend a lot of time there. Maybe that will help.

Still, I'm terrified. Even though I consciously know this terror is understandable but stupid because I always make it through. And in my life, everything really has always worked out in the end. Things I thought were awful and terrible- best case in point, when Phil broke up with me- ended up being the best things that happened. I thought it would be awful when he told me we couldn't talk anymore, but I made the decision to move on, and so when I found out he cheated on me, it was all anger, not pain. And I had already consciously decided none of what I was going through was worth it. My life is still fucked up and messy, but I make it work. So why am I so scared?

I don't want to lose Chip. I have had my share of bad choices, I have made mistakes, I have failed. We both have had roughs times, some of our own making, some because that's life. We both got through it. I always wanted someone who was always there for me, never forgot about me, someone who would sort of take care of me. I have amazing friends, and all of them help me by listening, but I always feel like I have to take care of them, and that burdening them with my problems prevents that. I always wanted a me: not perfect but unerringly there. Chip is a me. Don't take him from me. Romantically or whatever, well, that I don't expect. Our paths will inevitably depart in that respect eventually. Will they meet again? I don't know. And that's okay, because there's no reason we can't be friends and then I wouldn't have lost him now, would I?

But don't take him from me. He deserves his beautiful future life far more than I deserve mine.

I feel a little better