It's not that I didn't realize this before; this theoretically made sense. It's just that I never had direct experience with this. What do you expect? I've never been in a relationship before. It never mattered.
So as of my last post, I was all pessimistic about my future with Chip & semi-worried about school & thinking that as I would soon be single and desperately need a break, it would be a good idea to visit Tokyo at some point. Break in that passport. Chip kept insisting he wasn't ready for anything and that didn't stop me from becoming attached to him, but there was a small part of me I kept back- the part that gets me to throw myself into relationships. I was ready to get my heart dented, but not ready to get it smashed into little pieces even though I had had fair warning it was possible.
Is it really only 3 weeks later? All of a sudden, Chip & I are an almost forgone conclusion. All stable. I have no idea when this happened. Oh, I liked him a lot this summer. Don't get me wrong. But all of sudden I realize I'm falling and I just don't care. There's that thing, that damned thing I can't explain, that pulls me to him stronger than anything I've felt before. I'm that girl who spends all hours in her dorm talking to her boy. I'm that girl. What the hell? I've only known him since the end of June. I've only been involved with him since July. And it doesn't bother me. It doesn't freak me out.
He's freaked out about Masa though. Okay not freaked out. I have said things in an attempt to be open and reassuring and they have had the opposite affect. And I can see it. It looks, from his perspective, not good. I was with a guy who I stopped being with because he left. We didn't fight. I don't hate him. We're good friends. Our relationship is still playful and snarky. And for someone who's been cheated on and fears being left for another guy, Masa can't be an object of any positive emotion.
The truth is, I really liked Masa, I did. But we couldn't work out. He left and I was sad, but I had been expecting it. Our relationship had an ending point from the beginning. I was just as upset to lose my friend as anything else. My romantic feelings for Masa have reverted back to their affectionate friendly roots. I wanted to go to Tokyo for the experience of Tokyo and to see my friend. If Chip and I were no longer together, then would something happen? I don't know. But if we were/are, ignoring the fact I wouldn't/won't go, nothing would happen except getting him to take me to good restaurants, good natured ribbing and catching up.
And the other truth is, I like Chip a ridiculous amount and in a way that I didn't like Masa. Or maybe I couldn't like Masa, because he was leaving. But even so, Chip and I have known each other for less time and yet...there's a connection and a sense of the future about Chip that wasn't there with Masa. And really. I said I wasn't interested in finding anyone, that I was too busy, that I was done with guys- and look at me! I wouldn't have done this for just any guy. I wouldn't have done this for a decent guy. It is a testament to how much I like him, the fact that I'm with him at all right now. Okay shut up. I know that was not proper English grammar. Wasn't even German. I don't care.
I can't figure it out. Chip is pretty much everything I want in a guy, down to the exact words he says. It's not just abstract personality traits, it's in everything he does. It's in how he calls me to say good morning and how he works just as hard as I do at this. It's in how he's not afraid to tell me how he feels (or if he is, he doesn't let it affect him) and how he's straightforward about everything. He has his faults, don't get me wrong. It bothers me on some level that his paranoia does affect how much he trusts me, even though I completely understand it. Not that we've hardcore fought, but the mini ones have involved aggravation from the things he'll say.
But I have faults too. And who said it was going to be easy? I also accidentally began the incidents, so it wasn't like he started it. I'm just clumsy. And easily made nervous. Even by someone who fits perfectly into what I want in a guy. And he's probably in some way hurt by that. Nothing to be done but work through it until our scars don't harm the other.
Anyway. I really should get a move on it. I need to eat shower and get my laundry done. Please, someone tell me who let me get myself into all of this. Too much work. But suck it chem lab and problem set. On to genetics. Huzzah.
