See, even just by writing that, I feel a bit better. Food time

gonna get through this

I don't know what else to do other than write.

I know who I want to be, I know how I want to be. I want to be strong, I want to be reliable, I want to be level headed and rely on common sense. I hate being weak, I hate feeling weak, I hate feeling out of control and I hate feeling totally dependent. I hate feeling like everyone has to help me and I hate that I feel like I help no one.

I tell myself I feel so weak because of my family. That I've erected a life around this stupid disease, and if any part of it fails, everything fails. It's like a tower of blocks I haphazardly threw around, and any interruption threatens the whole thing. I tell myself I've never been patient and I can't expect myself to be able to be saintly. I tell myself I resent my family deep down and that it makes it harder to be patient. I tell myself that I'm tired, that I'm stressed out, that my dad takes his stress out in his way and my mom doesn't deal with her stress and that I'm going to slip up sometimes. I tell myself it's okay because I'm not perfect and I never will be and the important thing is that I know it's wrong and I try to correct it.

I can't accept it though. There's no reason I can't be more patient. There's no reason I have to be like this. There are people I have to be strong for and I want to be strong, I want to be so badly, and I just am not. I talk about it to deal with it but then it makes people feel like they have to take care of me and they don't have to and then I worry they'll resent me just like I resent my family and I can't stand the thought of losing them and I still can't be stronger for them. I still can't hide it, I still can't deal with all by myself. I should be able to deal with this by myself.

I tell myself that beating myself up helps no one. It saps my energy in two ways and just makes it harder to be the person I want to be. Some days it just hurts though. I should be able to handle my family with ease. I shouldn't be crying. I shouldn't make people worry about me. It's not that bad. It's just my bad temper and my impatience. I always want to help people, how come helping my family is so hard? It shouldn't be.

I know I need help, I know it's not like I'm drinking or doing drugs, I feel overwhelmed but it never lasts too long. I always find a way to climb out of it. But I don't want people to worry about me. I don't want to be that weak broken girl who can't deal with her own problems, which aren't even all that bad anyway

we're only taking turns holding this world

The visit to the lawyer was rather successful. I can't say it was incredibly enlightening, as most routes they suggested (I spoke to two lawyers together) were just not feasible at this time. I can't imagine the hell my mom would go through if she began divorce proceedings right now. Once Greg and I are gone, who will be left? Matt's never home (who can blame him) and I don't know how she'd cope. Taking the money away from him was suggested, but my mother can't be trusted to pay bills and my father would probably have even more of a fit.

I just think it has to be done fast, all at once. But they were still very helpful. They told me about involuntary committal and now I have someone to call the next time my father goes crazy and gets taken by the police.

It just made me feel better about my family and about everything else going on right now. The entire system is so confusing and vast; it was nice to speak to someone who actually knew what was going on. I've been sick with worry, but now I feel a bit better. I'm still worried, but just a little less. For now, it's a start.

Now, it's just waiting. I need to stop reading into things so much- half the time I worry I only see what I want. My indecision kicks in bad, and I worry equally about reading too much into things and not reading enough into them- I don't want to offend or injure by seeing something not there, but I don't want to hurt by not catching something. It'll be obvious when it's important. I'm just going to feel a bit better and think of how fucking awesome it will be when these things are over

i'll never let you go

I have the beginnings of a plan.

I'm going to the lawyer who specializes in family law tomorrow, provided I safely reach Hackensack with Buzzer. I'm getting the hang of the manual car- I still stall occasionally, but for the most part, I drive with minimal thought. It's not first nature yet, but it's getting there. I know I need to get guardianship over my family's finances, but I don't know how easy it will be, how long it will take, if it'll affect my financial aid, the process of getting it and so on. I think I'll pursue it when I get home from school in December. I have until March, so hopefully that'll be enough time. Though that's something else I should ask- how it would work when I'm abroad. Perhaps I should consider a co-guardian.

Then I'll talk to my Uncles Jimmy, Stephen and John. I also believe the time has come to institutionalize my father. As soon as the court declares him mentally incompetent, I'll put him somewhere. I don't know where I'll find the money. I may have to ask my uncles for it. I also have to ask the lawyer about my mom divorcing my father so they don't take all the assets from her to pay for the home. I don't know where I'll send him. They have places that specialize in Huntington's patients. I would prefer that, because he'll get the best care. But if I must, I'll put him in a psych ward.

I feel awful, but he has had his chance to make things better. He took my mother down with him as he degenerated and I have to do what I can for her. I think that means getting him out of the house. It'll be tragic if he ends up drugged up 24/7 in a psych ward, but I can't help them both. Not when he doesn't want to be helped.

I don't know whether to move my family to a small apartment or not. I could, then Matt could finish school. On the other hand, where will Greg and I stay? I guess there are apartments with more than two rooms. It'll be cheaper than what we're living with now. Once I have control over the finances, I'll find someone to advise me on whether to invest it or not. Additionally, I need to know how much they've trashed their credit score by not paying bills on time. Maybe they can't buy a house because they wouldn't get a mortgage anyway. I certainly don't have the credit to do that.

I also am thinking about bringing my parents to a neurologist before going back to school. Maybe if I bring both, I can coerce my father into going. I have to ask my mom's therapist if my mom may need a neurological visit. Maybe the problem is deeper than just intense stress. Then again, I'm half crazy from it, aren't I? But maybe it's better to check. If so, maybe there will be drugs to help. And the neurologist can fill out the disability forms, and maybe it'll come through in enough time to help pay for health insurance for my father.

Though, with no income, maybe they'll qualify for Medicaid. Another thing I need to ask someone.

I swear though, I am becoming increasingly hostile towards all forms of bureaucracy. I think it's disgusting how they allocate their resources so improperly and how in order to navigate it, you need a lawyer, which means you need money, but you're trying to navigate the system to get the money. My parents both worked and paid into this system. They paid their taxes, their Social Security, their Medicare, for how long? The system is supposed to help. It's not supposed to turn a blind eye and then hurt.

Have I mentioned how grateful I am to have Chip? I know I can handle this and that I have a plan and that it's not fair for me to dump this on him anyway. But I swear, talking to him for just a few minutes makes everything seem okay, even if we're not talking about the problem. Even just an away message or a few words from him can make my day. He's my best friend and he makes my life good. But I have to be strong for me and him. I don't want him to feel bad for being busy, but at the same time I want to communicate to him how important he is to my life. He always seems to understand what I mean. I can and will get through this. We can and will get through this. He reminds me that it's hard sometimes, but that there are good things out there.

God, I miss his smile and how much he makes me laugh. I am so lucky so have him in my life. He's hard on himself sometimes, but he is an amazing person. He brings such happiness and light into my life, and it kills me when life is so rough to him. He deserves so much better. I try to believe the everything happens for a reason and that it'll all work out, but sometimes it's just hard. It doesn't seem fair.

He's so generous with his time and himself, so silly, the only guy I've ever met who appreciates my quirks instead of just dealing with them, so much fun, so caring. He is incredibly important to me, and I want to appreciate every moment I have. I have someone truly tremendously great in my life. It is hard with my family, but I know he's always there for me. And I need to be strong too and handle it. I need to be strong for me and for him. I don't want him to worry.

I hope these words convey some sense of how I feel- I fear words are simply inadequate, but they're all I have. I love him and I miss him- what else is there to say? At least I have someone to love and miss, someone who is worth crying over and missing. These days drag on, but they're still days we're alive, and that means there's still reason to hope. That has to mean something.

i miss the sound of your voice

So I was out with Katie and Jamie the other night; we went to get some food at the Cheesecake Factory. We were talking and Katie said something that I had never really been able to put into words before. She said how I dealt with problems sort of as if each one was a crisis because I was always in crisis coping mode. I saw what she was talking about, but I also know I try to be laid back and easy going. I would describe myself as a stressed out individual, but I wouldn't say I was high strung or anything. They agreed that I was not high strung now, but that in high school, it wouldn't be have been an inappropriate description.

In high school, I would sometimes vent my stress at my family out through other things. Case in point, driving. I have never done anything knowingly dangerous or violent with my car. I don't cut people off to prove a point or play chicken or even tailgate much (or at least not to an extreme). But I do scream and curse at them from the haven of my own car. Do I think the fact that some asshole hit the brakes and didn't go through the light is life ending? No. Do I sound like it? Sure. I've always had a fast temper, and I guess I just decided I didn't want to control it in situations like that. I used what self control and patience I have to deal with the bigger things, and vented constantly to people to blow off the building stress.

I do feel that I mellowed out in college, probably in large part because I don't deal with my parents 24/7 365 days a year. It is comforting to know that this isn't necessarily a personality trait, but something that occurs under duress.

Today I really realized how bad the crisis mode I'm in is. I drove myself crazy for about an hour or two worrying that I had misinterpreted a tweet- like, couldn't concentrate, felt nauseous, worried, bargained, obsessed- if neuronal activity was exhibited through heat released from the head, I could have burned a hole through the wall. (Listen, I am bothered too by the scientific inaccuracies and holes in that statement. Just go with it).

I finally calmed myself down with some food and tea and a stern talking to. But that scares me deeply. I suppose a kind person would say that with the amount of stress I was under, it was the straw that broke the camel's back; that it wasn't what I was freaking out over, but the sheer volume of my worries. But all I can see is this: A neurotic 20 year old who can't let things go, who not only made a possible mistake in reading something but then proceeds to harp on her lack of perfection and works herself into a frenzy over two fragments of sentences. What is wrong with me? Why is there no perspective?

I am not going to get better overnight. I must accept that while I strive to be calm, strong, level headed, wise, easy going, laid back, super human, I will never achieve all I strive for. And that's a good thing- I want to think I'm a good person, but I don't ever want to stop wanting to grow. But I must also accept that I need to let things go. That my way of coping with things does not make me weak, but if I have a problem with it, I must simply fix it instead of worrying about it. I talk to people and it calms me down. It's like magic. That makes me feel dependent and weak, but someone said "No man is an island". And while I believe they meant we're all interconnected, I think it's also that we're not supposed to be. If you deal with your problems silently, that's great, but I don't think there's anything wrong with talking about things if that helps.

Right now, I am going crazy with worry. Absolutely. I am frustrated by a system that does not help and only harms me and the people I love. I am stressed out at the magnitude of the problems before me and hobbled by the belief deep down that I should be able to deal with this myself. That asking for help makes me weak. But I need help, just like I need to calm down and get through this. My father is growing more unhinged. Enough of waiting. Well, I have to wait, but at least I can plan. And I have to ask for help. I don't know the relative risks of selling the house now in a down market but before more damage is done vs. the risk of selling it in a better market but in possible more run down condition. I don't know if I should invest some savings or if I should keep it in lump cash just in case. I don't know if the porch can be repaired or if it's better off being rebuilt.

But I have decided this: I have got to calm down. I want to be a less neurotic person. So I'm going to stop beating myself up over being stressed and concentrate on calming down. I want to be able to deal with some things by myself without feeling so overwhelmed- so instead of berating myself for failing, I'll just try harder the next time. My stress will affect my life until this is over, but I doesn't need to destroy my mind too. This disease has done enough damage to two people. I don't need to be it's next victim.

And I don't want to be pessimistic and feel out of control. It's going to be okay.

I also want a hug from Chip. He gives the best hugs.

& shout out please come back

I know what I want. I wonder why it is comforting to have some kind of plan, why people seek to know what they want. Not knowing what you want leads to confusion and angst. But knowing what you want means you can lose it. At least not knowing what you want means you can stumble across something and maybe, maybe it'll become something you need.

I stumbled across something so long ago- damn it's been a long time- and I know I want it. And I can't have it. But I want it in all it's twisted perfection, it's frustrating logic and hilarious illogic. It drives me crazy and I still want it. Maybe I'm crazy. But it makes me happy, so happy.

I find it strangely amusing that I find security in an idea of a plan for the future I know very well (almost certainly) will change. I find it funny how quickly our perceptions change. I've been trying to communicate some idea of what's in my head for the past 45 minutes, but I continue to fail. Can't force what's not ready. It's not ready. And I know not to force it and I don't want to. I will leave it be.

My wants and desires are strong, but require more augmentation to be successful

Wow, I have officially reached the point where I should no longer be able to write. Sleep