we'll only hit the ground running

It's now July 29th and I'm back in Jersey. I probably should have updated a -bit- more in Germany. I mean, it's arguably the most interesting thing to ever happen to me and for once I could have written things that people wanted to read. Sofa somehow writes these fantastically interesting posts about seemingly minor events but I am not blessed with this skill. So Germany was my one chance to be really interesting. Ah well

A lot of people told me that studying abroad that I would 'find myself'. I don't really know if that's true. I've only been home for a week and a half (my god, it feels like so much longer. Two weeks ago I was noch im Deutschland mit Kinder Riegeln und die Altstadt und die Neckar und....) Perhaps I need some time to obtain the proper perspective. Maybe once the culture shock goes away. Seriously, why are the malls here SO big? Why is everyone so surprised when I walk to the store? And why can't I get from one place to another with public transportation?!

However, I have noticed two minor things about myself. First off, I feel more self conscious. Maybe this is because I only had myself to worry about in a country full of people I was terrified of upsetting. I wanted to fit in like a proper German. I constantly was self conscious, though, of my accent, my poor grammar and vocabulary, my possible lack of cultural understanding. It's not a paralyzing thing, but there (and here) I find myself even more concerned about what people think and say about me.

Second off, English grammar has become more and more elusive to me. I sometimes stare at the words I've written and literally have no idea if I make any sense at all or if the words are hopelessly out of order. I don't know why. I spoke English a lot in Germany. I typed in it to all my friends. I read the NYTimes. It's my mother language for fuck's sake. I should just know it! I usually write a sentence, do a double take, realize I have no idea if it's right or wrong, and just continue on and hope my implicit memory is better than my explicit memory.

Thus, I should stop writing now, as this is probably already hopelessly muddled, with run on sentences and sloppy punctuation mark usage.

However, I leave you with a semi-interesting fact: The human mind really only processes 4 clauses in a sentence at a time. After 4 commas / dashes / whatever, the mind goes FUCK YOU GODDAMNIT and stops connecting them. It confuses me why my German books still have sentences that take up half the page, but I suppose they're just an overachieving lot.

Also, I have decided to spread the knowledge of Paul the Psychic Octopus to the US. I find it disturbing how many people are not creeped out by this cephalopod's predictive powers. I am additionally finding it hard to communicate the awesomeness of German bachelor and bachelorette parties. It leaves out the fact that the bride/grooms sell these condoms and thongs to finance their drinking. Which is important.

If I have gained nothing else from Germany, it is this: a desire to one day have a bachelorette party sort of like that

That and the desire to bring the magic of Kinder Riegeln to the US. Mmmmmmm

this time baby, i'll be bulletproof

On March 14th, I arrived in Tübingen, Germany, which is to be my home until July. The first few days were some of the most miserable times I have ever experienced. It's gotten better, though they tell us that the homesickness and sadness is not over yet; in fact, it probably hasn't begun yet. Typically you arrive, are all excited, then become sad and homesick and finally adjust and acclimate to your new home. We'll see how that goes.

People keep asking me how Europe is, and I have a hard time answering that. It's sort of the same. There's land, there's people, there are houses and schools and stores and everything that the US has. There are a lot of struggles similar to the first weeks of college: Who's going to be your friend? Where do you fit in? How do you do your laundry? Where's the best place to eat? Drink? How in the world do I get around?

There's a lot of things that are very different too, and most are sneaky. These tiny things actually are the most apt to set off homesickness. Like their recycling- I always recycle at home, but I still can't figure out what the hell is supposed to go where. Or that they stop at red crosswalk lights even if there's no cars coming. Or that you don't pay to get on buses- you're simply expected to pay, and while they have random checks, I've seen one check in the two and half weeks I've been here for. Or that there's practically no Wi-FI and I haven't seen a single Jeep since I left the States. You wake up one morning and you realize you're in another country, with a weird fridge and a washing machine with options you've never heard of before with brand names in stores you've never seen and no idea how to get a hold of a damn chocolate chip cookie.

A lot of these things are actually nice. I like the general culture. I love how it looks, the people are all nice, and I can't find too much I absolutely dislike. Regardless, it's quite different.

And then there's the whole language issue. I've taken 5 semesters of German, which is what you're required to take to come here. My German was absurdly awful when I first got here, but it's improved a lot in the scant 2.5 weeks I've lived here. I found myself thinking in German on the way home. It wasn't as natural as thinking in English, I was thinking words, not thoughts (if that makes sense- think about it, if you speak another language) but regardless, I had to make myself switch to English. Even now there are a few phrases that I almost type in German instead of English. Still though, my brain runs too fast for my German to keep up, yet. I make mistakes and realize them right away, but I'm already 3 words in the future and it must make for very confusing German to listen to. The people here are all very nice and most say that my German is not that bad at all.

It absolutely adds another layer of complexity to the general experience. You're in a different country and everything runs differently- but you can't even understand the language well enough to figure out what IS different. Even just ordering food or asking for directions can be disheartening. Getting mail is worse sometimes, because 'official' German is AWFUL to read. Their Burokratie rivals the insanity of the DMV. It's all very well organized but it is intense.

Like I said though, I've been fairly happy. Sometimes when I'm tired I'm sick of speaking German and I just want a Big Mac and screens in my windows and a cell phone with an area code I know (I have no idea how their phone numbers work) but most of the time, I find myself entranced by how different things are and interested in really learning German and excited to spend a few months here. I'm not really homesick at all- but I do miss Chip and my friends desperately. Each day is a bit different, but it's always hard to be so far away from them.

My parents have been and on and off worry. For the first time here, I can go the whole day without worrying. They seem so far away, they sometimes don't even register on my worry scale. I feel rather carefree, honestly. It's a great realization, because I've always worried that I would have nothing to talk about and nothing to make me me if I ever didn't have to worry about my parents. I'm pretty much the same person though, just less stressed. On the other hand, I need to worry about them and I feel a bit guilty. It is so hard to get things done from Germany. When I worry, I want to do things, and I want to do them now- but I can't. I need to wait. This isn't something I'm good with, though it's a good time to work on it.

I'm going to Rome next week. It's waay more expensive than I would have liked, but it is Rome. And it will be fantastic. I'm going with two really cool girls from my program, I think we'll work out well as travel partners. I hope so. Then real classes start.

This sounds a bit depressing, but really, Germany is great in a lot of ways. I think it's really good for me to focus on me for a little- I've never gone so long without really worrying about my parents before, and I've never been able to shrug it off so well. Like I said, it makes me feel guilty, but sometimes....just what am I supposed to do? And I have the internet and I can call and IM people and Skype is amazing, so that makes it better too. It's just one semester, and it feels like forever, but the past 4 months went by so fast...I swear I was JUST in Jamaica...so these 4 months will go by fast as well

Bis später!

crack the shutters open wide;; i want to bathe in the light of day

Oh dear, it's 2010. This is so bizarre. It's like when I finally turned 18. It was surreal that I had reached a point I had been looking forward to for so long. I turn 21 in 21 days. It'll make life so much easier! It's also the last birthday that's really worth looking forward to. That's a bit sad, actually.

So SofSof's post was what prompted me to write. It's also because I'm using my brother's computer and I like the way the keyboard sounds. Is that something just I like? Or do other people discriminate between different keyboards and the sound/feeling they have? I doubt this is just an oddity of mine. I digress.

2009 was an interesting ride. I have a hard time characterizing years. They seem so long and yet so short that I can't adequately sum them up. I swear, I was just turning 20, but that was eons ago in Spring Semester; the summer and Fall Semester went by so quickly but the spaces in between are like chasms of time. I'm sorry, I don't mean to be so pretentious, I just can't think of any other words for it.

I suppose a lot has happened. My mom became increasingly more forgetful and was diagnosed with Mild Cognitive Impairment, or dementia, or both. Different doctors said different things. I applied for Disability for my parents and figured out how to insure them for the rest of their lives. We started getting the house fixed up to sell. Greg and I bought a car. I learned to drive stick. Greg started college. Greg crashed our car. Matt moved to Massachusetts. I survived two more semesters of college. I did research and I enjoyed it. I decided to study abroad in Germany for real. I bought my plane ticket. My Uncle Paul died. Chip and I are good. My friends and I are all good. I went to Jamaica with Chip and his family and I got my first passport stamp.

Listing all that makes me feel rather accomplished. I like it. Sometimes I feel as though I'm in the hull of a ship and water is pouring in everywhere. I keep plugging the holes, but new ones keep appearing. I only have so many plugs. I could shove my fingers in the holes too, but then I'd be stuck. I don't want to be stuck in a sinking ship, but I want to do everything I can to keep the damn thing afloat. It's nice to see that I actually did something.

I can't see what this year will bring. I turn 21, I go abroad, I start my senior year of college, I do my own research (sort of), I start applying for jobs (?!?! do you do that fall semester senior year? I feel like you do)....I don't really believe in New Year's resolutions. There are so many other points in the year at which to decide to live differently. I'm working on being more independent and less afraid of conflict with people. I'm also trying to be more motivated and proactive with my family.

Most importantly though, I'm trying to keep my happy. I always strive to be happy where I am. In high school, I didn't want to waste what time I had being sad; it felt wrong and silly to spend time upset. Once I found out I didn't have Huntington's, I wanted to enjoy the life I got back. That's why I got my tattoo and that's why I got it on my wrist. I wanted to be reminded every day how worried I had been that I was going to lose everything and how happy I was that I got it back. Everytime I see the ink I want to remember again that happiness must be found and fought for- that if I'm unhappy where I am, it's up to me to fix it. If I want to fritter my life away, that's my call, but I don't want to. I want to spend every moment I can happy and enjoying life however I want to enjoy life. There have been times this year where I haven't been happy and it hasn't been for any particular reason. That bothers me

I know that we forget the fear we feel when we think we're going to die. We have to forget it. It's mind numbing. I know we can't always feel the relief at surviving. But that doesn't mean I won't try. That middle ground between happy and sad? That place of no feeling? I'm not okay with that place. So in 2010, like every year after this, I just want to continue to find happiness. I want to embrace life, not cower under it's weight. So I will