i'll never let you go

I have the beginnings of a plan.

I'm going to the lawyer who specializes in family law tomorrow, provided I safely reach Hackensack with Buzzer. I'm getting the hang of the manual car- I still stall occasionally, but for the most part, I drive with minimal thought. It's not first nature yet, but it's getting there. I know I need to get guardianship over my family's finances, but I don't know how easy it will be, how long it will take, if it'll affect my financial aid, the process of getting it and so on. I think I'll pursue it when I get home from school in December. I have until March, so hopefully that'll be enough time. Though that's something else I should ask- how it would work when I'm abroad. Perhaps I should consider a co-guardian.

Then I'll talk to my Uncles Jimmy, Stephen and John. I also believe the time has come to institutionalize my father. As soon as the court declares him mentally incompetent, I'll put him somewhere. I don't know where I'll find the money. I may have to ask my uncles for it. I also have to ask the lawyer about my mom divorcing my father so they don't take all the assets from her to pay for the home. I don't know where I'll send him. They have places that specialize in Huntington's patients. I would prefer that, because he'll get the best care. But if I must, I'll put him in a psych ward.

I feel awful, but he has had his chance to make things better. He took my mother down with him as he degenerated and I have to do what I can for her. I think that means getting him out of the house. It'll be tragic if he ends up drugged up 24/7 in a psych ward, but I can't help them both. Not when he doesn't want to be helped.

I don't know whether to move my family to a small apartment or not. I could, then Matt could finish school. On the other hand, where will Greg and I stay? I guess there are apartments with more than two rooms. It'll be cheaper than what we're living with now. Once I have control over the finances, I'll find someone to advise me on whether to invest it or not. Additionally, I need to know how much they've trashed their credit score by not paying bills on time. Maybe they can't buy a house because they wouldn't get a mortgage anyway. I certainly don't have the credit to do that.

I also am thinking about bringing my parents to a neurologist before going back to school. Maybe if I bring both, I can coerce my father into going. I have to ask my mom's therapist if my mom may need a neurological visit. Maybe the problem is deeper than just intense stress. Then again, I'm half crazy from it, aren't I? But maybe it's better to check. If so, maybe there will be drugs to help. And the neurologist can fill out the disability forms, and maybe it'll come through in enough time to help pay for health insurance for my father.

Though, with no income, maybe they'll qualify for Medicaid. Another thing I need to ask someone.

I swear though, I am becoming increasingly hostile towards all forms of bureaucracy. I think it's disgusting how they allocate their resources so improperly and how in order to navigate it, you need a lawyer, which means you need money, but you're trying to navigate the system to get the money. My parents both worked and paid into this system. They paid their taxes, their Social Security, their Medicare, for how long? The system is supposed to help. It's not supposed to turn a blind eye and then hurt.

Have I mentioned how grateful I am to have Chip? I know I can handle this and that I have a plan and that it's not fair for me to dump this on him anyway. But I swear, talking to him for just a few minutes makes everything seem okay, even if we're not talking about the problem. Even just an away message or a few words from him can make my day. He's my best friend and he makes my life good. But I have to be strong for me and him. I don't want him to feel bad for being busy, but at the same time I want to communicate to him how important he is to my life. He always seems to understand what I mean. I can and will get through this. We can and will get through this. He reminds me that it's hard sometimes, but that there are good things out there.

God, I miss his smile and how much he makes me laugh. I am so lucky so have him in my life. He's hard on himself sometimes, but he is an amazing person. He brings such happiness and light into my life, and it kills me when life is so rough to him. He deserves so much better. I try to believe the everything happens for a reason and that it'll all work out, but sometimes it's just hard. It doesn't seem fair.

He's so generous with his time and himself, so silly, the only guy I've ever met who appreciates my quirks instead of just dealing with them, so much fun, so caring. He is incredibly important to me, and I want to appreciate every moment I have. I have someone truly tremendously great in my life. It is hard with my family, but I know he's always there for me. And I need to be strong too and handle it. I need to be strong for me and for him. I don't want him to worry.

I hope these words convey some sense of how I feel- I fear words are simply inadequate, but they're all I have. I love him and I miss him- what else is there to say? At least I have someone to love and miss, someone who is worth crying over and missing. These days drag on, but they're still days we're alive, and that means there's still reason to hope. That has to mean something.