gonna get through this

I don't know what else to do other than write.

I know who I want to be, I know how I want to be. I want to be strong, I want to be reliable, I want to be level headed and rely on common sense. I hate being weak, I hate feeling weak, I hate feeling out of control and I hate feeling totally dependent. I hate feeling like everyone has to help me and I hate that I feel like I help no one.

I tell myself I feel so weak because of my family. That I've erected a life around this stupid disease, and if any part of it fails, everything fails. It's like a tower of blocks I haphazardly threw around, and any interruption threatens the whole thing. I tell myself I've never been patient and I can't expect myself to be able to be saintly. I tell myself I resent my family deep down and that it makes it harder to be patient. I tell myself that I'm tired, that I'm stressed out, that my dad takes his stress out in his way and my mom doesn't deal with her stress and that I'm going to slip up sometimes. I tell myself it's okay because I'm not perfect and I never will be and the important thing is that I know it's wrong and I try to correct it.

I can't accept it though. There's no reason I can't be more patient. There's no reason I have to be like this. There are people I have to be strong for and I want to be strong, I want to be so badly, and I just am not. I talk about it to deal with it but then it makes people feel like they have to take care of me and they don't have to and then I worry they'll resent me just like I resent my family and I can't stand the thought of losing them and I still can't be stronger for them. I still can't hide it, I still can't deal with all by myself. I should be able to deal with this by myself.

I tell myself that beating myself up helps no one. It saps my energy in two ways and just makes it harder to be the person I want to be. Some days it just hurts though. I should be able to handle my family with ease. I shouldn't be crying. I shouldn't make people worry about me. It's not that bad. It's just my bad temper and my impatience. I always want to help people, how come helping my family is so hard? It shouldn't be.

I know I need help, I know it's not like I'm drinking or doing drugs, I feel overwhelmed but it never lasts too long. I always find a way to climb out of it. But I don't want people to worry about me. I don't want to be that weak broken girl who can't deal with her own problems, which aren't even all that bad anyway