i miss the sound of your voice

So I was out with Katie and Jamie the other night; we went to get some food at the Cheesecake Factory. We were talking and Katie said something that I had never really been able to put into words before. She said how I dealt with problems sort of as if each one was a crisis because I was always in crisis coping mode. I saw what she was talking about, but I also know I try to be laid back and easy going. I would describe myself as a stressed out individual, but I wouldn't say I was high strung or anything. They agreed that I was not high strung now, but that in high school, it wouldn't be have been an inappropriate description.

In high school, I would sometimes vent my stress at my family out through other things. Case in point, driving. I have never done anything knowingly dangerous or violent with my car. I don't cut people off to prove a point or play chicken or even tailgate much (or at least not to an extreme). But I do scream and curse at them from the haven of my own car. Do I think the fact that some asshole hit the brakes and didn't go through the light is life ending? No. Do I sound like it? Sure. I've always had a fast temper, and I guess I just decided I didn't want to control it in situations like that. I used what self control and patience I have to deal with the bigger things, and vented constantly to people to blow off the building stress.

I do feel that I mellowed out in college, probably in large part because I don't deal with my parents 24/7 365 days a year. It is comforting to know that this isn't necessarily a personality trait, but something that occurs under duress.

Today I really realized how bad the crisis mode I'm in is. I drove myself crazy for about an hour or two worrying that I had misinterpreted a tweet- like, couldn't concentrate, felt nauseous, worried, bargained, obsessed- if neuronal activity was exhibited through heat released from the head, I could have burned a hole through the wall. (Listen, I am bothered too by the scientific inaccuracies and holes in that statement. Just go with it).

I finally calmed myself down with some food and tea and a stern talking to. But that scares me deeply. I suppose a kind person would say that with the amount of stress I was under, it was the straw that broke the camel's back; that it wasn't what I was freaking out over, but the sheer volume of my worries. But all I can see is this: A neurotic 20 year old who can't let things go, who not only made a possible mistake in reading something but then proceeds to harp on her lack of perfection and works herself into a frenzy over two fragments of sentences. What is wrong with me? Why is there no perspective?

I am not going to get better overnight. I must accept that while I strive to be calm, strong, level headed, wise, easy going, laid back, super human, I will never achieve all I strive for. And that's a good thing- I want to think I'm a good person, but I don't ever want to stop wanting to grow. But I must also accept that I need to let things go. That my way of coping with things does not make me weak, but if I have a problem with it, I must simply fix it instead of worrying about it. I talk to people and it calms me down. It's like magic. That makes me feel dependent and weak, but someone said "No man is an island". And while I believe they meant we're all interconnected, I think it's also that we're not supposed to be. If you deal with your problems silently, that's great, but I don't think there's anything wrong with talking about things if that helps.

Right now, I am going crazy with worry. Absolutely. I am frustrated by a system that does not help and only harms me and the people I love. I am stressed out at the magnitude of the problems before me and hobbled by the belief deep down that I should be able to deal with this myself. That asking for help makes me weak. But I need help, just like I need to calm down and get through this. My father is growing more unhinged. Enough of waiting. Well, I have to wait, but at least I can plan. And I have to ask for help. I don't know the relative risks of selling the house now in a down market but before more damage is done vs. the risk of selling it in a better market but in possible more run down condition. I don't know if I should invest some savings or if I should keep it in lump cash just in case. I don't know if the porch can be repaired or if it's better off being rebuilt.

But I have decided this: I have got to calm down. I want to be a less neurotic person. So I'm going to stop beating myself up over being stressed and concentrate on calming down. I want to be able to deal with some things by myself without feeling so overwhelmed- so instead of berating myself for failing, I'll just try harder the next time. My stress will affect my life until this is over, but I doesn't need to destroy my mind too. This disease has done enough damage to two people. I don't need to be it's next victim.

And I don't want to be pessimistic and feel out of control. It's going to be okay.

I also want a hug from Chip. He gives the best hugs.