i wanna wake up where you are

Yeah so I wrote like 5 paragraphs of a post and I just deleted them all. I might regret it later but oh well. A new topic has come to my mind and I'd rather write about it than whatever I was writing about. Though I do need to re-iterate my aggravation with my situation to preface this. I have found two very different but awesome guys in the past 9 months. They're both sweet, nice, funny and intelligent. They both make me laugh and make my day and they are two kinds of guys I would gladly date. However, one lives thousands of miles away. The other will live a few hundred miles away when I go back to school. This doesn't sound like that much, particularly not when said right after a distance that inarguably ends any chance of a relationship. But with gas prices sky high, the economy in a recession and with a ridiculous course load, the distance puts some serious strain on the possibility of anything.

Here is my quandary. The first of these guys is obviously Masa. Masa was (and is) great. I consider him a good friend and at this point I believe that he's affected my life for the better more than any other guy as of yet. Okay fine, that only includes Phil, but whatever. However, he lives in Tokyo. I got over him because I saw no other option. He's gone and I miss him- but he's not coming back as far as I can see. 

And now there's Chip. Our relationship isn't serious; we're not dating. He's not ready for it and I'm okay with that. But it's regardless an exclusive thing. He saw texts from Masa and got a bit weird about it; he didn't get upset or angry, but I understand the less that thrilled reaction. If he had (or has) saved texts from an ex I would seriously doubt whether he was ready for anything right now. I keep them because I'm scared of forgetting what's happened to me and he said he understands, but still. 

So now I'm caught in between what I had and what I might have. I don't want to hurt Chip or make it seem as though I'm not over Masa. The fact is is that I am. I thought in May it would take me longer, but it wasn't one of those things that had possibility. At the same time, I don't want to hurt Masa. He's still a good friend of mine and I don't want to lose him. I don't want him to think that I don't care or that he didn't mean anything to me because I care a lot and he still means a lot to me. I just happened to find someone really awesome faster than I expected. 

And I suppose this seems stupid to anyone reading this. It's not like Chip and Masa know each other at all. There's no reason I can't accomplish this- making sure Chip knows I'm over Masa and into him and he's not a rebound in the slightest and that Masa knows I've moved on romantically but that I still want him in my life. But I feel awful. Maybe I'm just worrying about nothing; I've talked to Chip about the texts and I do believe that he would tell me if he had a problem, and while Masa hasn't answered my IMs, he might just be busy or overwhelmed, not upset. I just feel as though that's not the case, not with Masa. When it comes down to it, Masa is thousands of miles away and could just fade into my past. But I don't want that.

I don't want to keep gaining and losing these people. I had to lose Masa in the romantic sense. It wasn't anything he or I did; it was the situation. But I don't want to lose my friend. I don't want him to think it's anything personal. At the same time, I don't want to Chip to think he's just second best, just the guy I'm settling for because I can't have the one I really want, because it's not that either, not even close. Chip is awesome like whoa.

Fuck distance. Fuck that no one has invented teleporters yet. That would solve the energy crisis. Fuck that I can't make things right. And fuck that I'm leaving again so soon! At least I didn't meet them both at the same time and have to choose. Masa is great. Chip though...I don't know, there's something about him or the way I feel about him or us that is different than anything I've felt before that I can't explain at all, but I do know that even though I know Masa pretty well and I've known Chip less than a month, I would find the decision insanely difficult. And coming from a person who needs to know someone to feel comfortable and needs to be comfortable for the relationship to work best, that's really saying something about how much I like Chip. What am I going to say in four months, when it's actually a comparable thing? 

Oh shit. Look at this. This is supposed to be the more mature journal where I write about ideas instead of people, about concepts instead of events. I'm supposed to ponder bigger things or at least talk about the 'higher' ground. For instance, instead of comparing the guys in my life, I should postulate on how important differences and similarities are in making relationships work. Aaahhhh damnit. 

Oh well. It's ironic, how this situation is amazing and sucky. I have these great guys but these odd situations. Whatever. What happens, happens and I fully intend to take what I can get and enjoy every moment I have with Chip and not worry about what might occur later. We'll either work out or not and worrying about it won't change it. If I had wasted my time in April worrying about Masa and I, I would have been incredibly mad at myself. I don't intend to start letting any qualms I have about the future fuck up my present. Not now. Not ever.

I need to go get my brother. Ohhhhh chauffeuring.