maybe you're gonna be the one that saves me

This post has been in production for well over a week. I've finally decided to finish the damn thing (heavily changing it, of course). Anything to keep me awake. I go to sleep late and wake up early, and I just napped for about 3 hours. It's only 5:48 I'm tired as balls. That's a funny expression. Can balls be tired? I thought they only hurt when they were aggravated. 

Strange, though. At school I woke up earliest at 8:07 and I typically went to sleep by 12 or 1. Now I wake up at 6:40 or 7:40 or on oh-so-joyous days, 8:40. And I still go to sleep at 12 or 1. But I feel so much less tired, so much more inclined to get out of bed. Which is actually rather awesome. Because I'm either becoming more resistant to sleep deprivation (like Sofa) or it's just for the summer- but who cares? This is when I'd rather be more resistant to requiring excessive sleeps. 

So bad things? Problems with friends from home & my family have been driving me up the wall. Good things? There is so this really cute guy at work who I really like hanging out with and he gives awesome hugs. Like, it's hard to give a bad hug. But his hugs are excellent. And I'm not just saying it to say it just because he's interested in me and I'm interested in him. 

Here's the thing though- he just got out of a relationship and even though it's been almost 2 months since I left school and 1 week since I've heard from Masa, it really hasn't been that long. What is the appropriate time periods before you can be interested (even a little) in someone else? I know they say it's when you're ready for it, but there has to be a point at which it's just skanky. Here's the other thing- he lives far away from me now. In a few months (Christ, 2 months) he'll be even farther away from me. How come I find two guys in a row who are awesome and amazing, who are so different from one another except in this one thing, this one similarity that is their only shortcoming: they live or will live more than 200 miles away from me?

That was truly atrocious grammar. I apologize. 

I'm going to switch to an almost completely unrelated topic. Oh no, wait! I must add a short description of this guy. If he turns out to be a permanent fixture in my life, he'll get added to the original list of characters. I introduce Chip (it's his nickname), a fellow Apple employee (for now). Recently graduated. Tall & cute. Really sweet. Really nice. Really smart. Really awesome. Really need to find a better superlative than really. 

So originally this was going to be about something else, but I no longer find it relevant. The current topic is my inability to be in a relationship that's anything but friends with benefits. I'm always either not looking or looking for a boyfriend. I find great guys. Or I think I do, in the case of Phil. But it always ends up this way- basically dating but not. I've been with two guys and I have yet to have a serious boyfriend. Now another friends with benefits situation is on my hands and I just have to laugh.

How many times do I say I want a boyfriend, I want a nice stable steady relationship and a guy I can count on- and how many times do I end up in this situation? Honestly, it just makes me laugh. And not in a cynical and bitter kind of way, in a genuinely amused way. I'd love a boyfriend. I want the romance and the cute texts and the knowledge that there's someone out there who would do anything for you and loves you and all that. I want the adorable stories and the cards and the romantic gestures. I really do. But I don't want to miss something else that would be almost as good waiting for something I think is better.

Friends with benefits hasn't always worked out for me. I always get attached. Way too attached. Sometimes they fuck me over (-Cough-Phil-Cough) and sometimes they just off and disappear to Europe (Damn Masa). On the other hand, this doesn't mean they didn't work out for me. Phil, as much as I hate to admit it now, as much as he did cause and do bad things, did also affect my life in good ways. It could have ended a lot worse between us. The first guy is important, but so is the first guy to treat you right if those two are not the same guy. Neither of them are as important as the last guy. 

So no, I don't want to end up with all these relationships that meant a lot to me but not as much to them. I don't want to look back and realize that I engaged in a cycle of telling myself something meant something to make myself feel better about the fact that I was sleeping with someone who couldn't be bothered to date me. I don't want to be that girl. I don't want to brainwash myself into things anymore.

On the other hand, I do honestly believe that you don't need to date someone to truly care about them or even love them. You don't need the title of boyfriend or girlfriend to show that you care. And much as I don't want to regret anything, there's something I don't want even more. 

I don't want to end up forgetting what I've learned from my past. When I thought that I might carry that awful disease, I told myself that I was going to live fast and hard. I never wanted to waste time fighting or being upset if I could possibly help it. I wanted to feel every single second of my life because I never knew when it would end. I'm a little different now. I don't need to live as fast. But now I never want to lose that intense desire to live. I named this blog infinitebloomabilities and that's what I don't want to forget. Bloomabilities is this word from this book that I loved, it came out when I was like 9. In it, this kid uses the word bloomabilities for possibilities because he's all ESL like that. 

But the whole book gives off this feeling of life being something so great and wide and vast and the characters are in love with it, even though it sucks sometimes, even though bad things happen. I don't want to forget that the possibilities in this world are endless and that not risking anything is the best way to lose what you want. In a lot of ways I have matured since high school. I can't be that same person who wore that uniform and slaved away for four years. I can, however, be who that person wanted to be- happy, more secure, always appreciating what she has, never saying no to something because it might end badly, always ready to do something a little crazy and never ever letting her fear get in the way of doing something that has the possibility of being amazing. 

So I can see where this friends with benefits thing might hurt me. I've been through it twice before; I know where the pitfalls are and I know the dangers. And I don't care. You only live once and I'd rather do something and wish I hadn't than not do something and wish I did. Life is a sucky place right now in a lot of ways. I don't want to lose sight of the marvelous adventure it can be. This all sounds so cliché. Oh well. I'd rather love and lose than not love at all. And I'd rather enjoy what I have now than worry about losing it. What will happen in August will happen. He could be the most amazing thing to happen to me thus far.

And if not? Well, that's what chocolate chip cookies and friends with bats, clubs and evil intent are there for.