i'll give it as fast and as high as the flame will rise

Today I deleted Phil's number from my phone. It was entirely an accident; I was trying to delete just one number from his contact numbers and it ended up deleting the whole entry. I stared at my phone for about a minute. On one hand, why do I need the number anymore? Because of his psychotic girlfriend who keeps him on such a short leash it's a wonder he doesn't choke and because of my complete apathy, there's no reason I'd want to contact him again. Not that I can think of. I thought about re-adding it, as I don't delete any of the numbers in my phone. I figure it might always come in handy. I know the number now but I'm sure I'll forget it soon. It would figure that I can remember the number but not to do things when I should do them. Like go to sleep or leave my house.

It's just...odd. It's only hitting me now how far away I am from who I was a year ago. The reason I wanted to delete one contact number was because my phone was mistakenly attributing texts from Chrissy to Phil, as she was IMing me, but it was saying that Phil was sending them. When I first opened my phone and it said NEW TEXT FROM PHIL my first thought was of a complete letdown-- Damn, it's not who I wanted it to be from . 

Obviously a year ago that was my very favorite screen to see. Now it simply inspires mild curiosity. I'm also more confident and....I don't know, different. Last year- or really, two years ago- I would have bent over backwards for my friends, particularly Jamie. I went out of my way every time. Not that I won't do that now- I'm still hopelessly devoted to my friends- but there's this line now where I do do stuff for me. My friends might be my primary concern, but I'm no longer a very far away third. I recognize that at a certain point I need to be there for myself too. This has not gone over well with Jamie. It comes off as self-absorption, apparently. 

See, this is a very boring, melodramatic and high school-y post, but I'll try my best to make it more about the abstract concepts. 

I stuck by her through everything. I resent very deeply that I stuck by her, but now that I'm not living up to her ideal that, she seems all too willing to just let our friendship go. I don't blame her for what she did and I don't think because she acted badly that I should be able to do as I please. I do however feel as if she owes me, sort of. Like, you let someone cut in front of you in bumper to bumper traffic even though it inconveniences you. You don't do it because you expect anything in return. However, should there be a situation in which you need to cut in front of them, they should be willing to oblige this. You allowing them to cut you does not mean you are justified in cutting them off 'just cause', but they should be more lenient than another driver because you did the same for them.

It's exactly the same thing with Jamie. I haven't even close to reached her levels, but I can see how I never get out of the house on time and I have a hard time separating my time up fairly. In the past two weeks I've worked what works out to around two full 40 hour work weeks with only two days off. Each day I work you have to add on another 1-1.5 hours for my commute. This has been mainly at the cost of my sleep, but I also have friends at home and friends from school I'd like to keep in touch with. In what free time I have, it seems as if I spend a lot of time doing nothing-- and then everyone wants me at once. Jamie and I hang out, An calls, Sofa and Masa are online and I've worked a 9 hour day so I'm exhausted as it is. 

It's not an excuse. I should be better on time and I should stick better to plans, but I've always been awful at getting the hell out of the house. I know I can do a better job. But at the same time, I resent that I have to change. Once again, the problem is my fault and I need to alter my behavior. This time it is me who needs to change but still I resent it subconsciously to a point that it's hard for me to be repentant to the extent I should be. 

This is the dilemma. Who's right? Am I really wrong to be using what I've done in the past as a standard of how she should act? Maybe I am. I don't know. All I know is that this is a little too much like the merry-go-round that was high school, and this is why I wanted to get the fuck out of this state. I'm sick of having to fight. I'm sick of being the one who has to care more. She seems like she cares more but it seems to me she bails too easy to care. But maybe I'm reading it wrong. I haven't slept much. I probably am wrong.

I just want a hug. A really big hug. I want us to either move past high school and have me not be held to those standards of who I was then or I want her to meet the standards of how I acted. I want to not have to feel like this anymore. This is part of the reason why we're like this- I try to discuss shit and she doesn't respond. I can't just keep waiting. I can't put myself through that anymore. 

I also really need my fucking electricity to stop going the fuck out. Alright, though now that on my 3rd post I've mostly failed to keep this abstract and my livejournal the place for the rants, I'll survive. I'll get my hug tomorrow. That'll make it better. As will the chocolate chip cookies from ABP (Au Bon Pain). Yummmmm