rain to leave you all alone but keep eyelashes falling

I catch moths in glasses and let them go outside. I love chocolate chip cookies. I am sad. I am happy. I love to laugh. I am old. I am way too young. I know what I want to be, how I want to be, who I want to be. I fear I fail a lot.

There are some days I want to run away. More often, I just want to win the lottery. I realized the other day that I traded in a food court for peace from bratty kids last summer. I believe I got the better side of the bargain. I'm feeling very random tonight and I have no idea why so I'm rolling with it.

Maybe just starting all of it will make this all easier. Maybe it's the uncertainty and the limbo that's getting to me. That's what got to me last time. The waiting that took so damn long drove me crazy. On another note, I need to stop spending so frivolously. I don't need all that Starbucks. It's so good but I don't need it. Or new shirts. A pair or two of shorts, maybe a skirt, a pair of sandals and I should be done.

Oh and a car. That will be hot

Maybe it will be reading times now. Yes, reading times

EDIT: On the plus size, books next semester will be cheap!

I've read a bit and I still feel antsy. I'm not completely sure why it took me so long to discover The Fray. There are so few bands that don't try my patience, particularly when I'm like this, contemplative. They don't irk me when I'm sad either and they don't depress me when I'm happy.

There are parts of my life right now that just suck. There is no more eloquent way of putting it. But the rest is excellent. It is odd, the schizophrenic nature of it all. I fear I dwell often on the present and to some extent the past. I analyze and I think and I ponder. The more I think about what's happening right now, the more I realize there is simply nothing more I can do. I have to get guardianship. I have to find a therapist. I have to get a car. I have to save money. What more can I do?

No, I'd rather think about the future. Not next semester or next year but three, four years from now. When hopefully this craziness is more manageable, when I have a job and a pet and freedom. It's oddly frightening and exhilarating. I've always had a plan, known what I wanted to do next. I altered it when something came up, but it's not like the feeling a lot of my graduated friends felt- the "What the hell do I do now?" feeling. The boundless variety of options are both terrifying and exciting. Being tied to my family is therefore both a burden and a blessing. I know where I'll be. Too many options can be crippling. If there's an option I want that seems like it isn't open to me, I'll figure it out. But it at least narrows the field down a bit.

I think a great deal about the future and yet not at all. I think about how I want to get a job in research, I want to get my masters, maybe a PhD, I want to do Huntington's research but that I don't want a career more than I want a family. I want a beautiful house and an amazing husband and kids. I want to redo my life. I will never let my house fall into disrepair or forget how to parent my children or fall into this semblance of a life my parents have going on. I don't need a huge amount of money, I don't need to be massively successful. I just want to be happy. And I know what makes me happy.

At the same time, I don't really think all that much about it. I don't want to set out some vision in my head of how it should be, because I'm fully aware it probably won't work out that way. The sheer amount of different things that could happen are fully mind numbing. I simply cannot grasp it all, and I don't want to live so fixated on the future that I forget to enjoy now. My father will die, I will fight with people I love, I will cry, I will break up, get back together, break up, break down, build back, fail. I will be overwhelmed and frustrated with the situation and myself for not dealing better with it. That's life.

I want to think of the nice things that could lay before me. And I want an idea of what I want. But I don't want to constrain myself. I want to love whatever happens or deal with whatever happens and not bemoan the fact it isn't what I thought it would be. When is it?


Ah this is all such nonsense. More reading. No more torturing other people and myself with all this