as she laughed and danced through the field of graves- there i knew, it would be alright

HOs make double stranded breaks and it's sad, but the recombination afterward is more important anyway

Live forever and you'll go crazy

I swear, biology is pretty much everything a religion should be. It has answers (that tend to be right) and if you look hard enough, guiding moral principles! Except ignore Hardy-Weinburg laws. Especially about the parts about random mating. Hardy-Weinburg is not a good condition to be in. See? It even has parts to selectively ignore, like how many people ignore the tolerance part that all the holy books.

Goddamn, there was something I was going to write about and I have forgotten. What the hell? It wasn't bio, that was a random interlude. Oh I know.

You know, Grapevine Fires is a really good song. Shiznit, more random interlude. I lean on people a lot. Particularly involving my family. My pride doesn't keep me warm at night and I know that keeping it all inside doesn't help me. People be damned if they say it makes me weak. Talking about things makes them seem less scary. My head is jumbled mess of neurons firing at speeds that probably approach the speed of light, as my head makes time and distances seem less and more than what they really are. (Shit, I hate you physics!) After talking about things, I feel noticeably more organized, more calm, more collected. Sometimes it's helped by the fact that I got advice, but a lot of the time it's just because I talked it all out. I examined the situation from my side and the other side. I talked myself out of self pity and came to some conclusion.

And I'm not going to stop talking about when my father is screaming or Matthew is acting like a selfish brat or my mother is making me worry that I have to drop out of school to support the family. It helps me. I don't want to keep people out. I like them. I trust them. But I worry sometimes that I lean so hard I verge on knocking them over. That they take burdens from it that they shouldn't. And I'm sure it's not just me and I'm sure it's not just them. But I can handle all of this.

It's overwhelming to go home. Dealing with it day in and day out makes you numb to it. Counting the number of times you got called a bitch or a cunt or told to fuck off becomes a game. It all starts rolling off you, like rain on a windshield with Rainex (I think that's what that stuff is called). But I'm a big girl. I dealt with worse in high school when I was younger and had far more problems. I have more reasons to be happy. Lots more reasons.

By the way, it truly aggravates me that Tufts can't give me a good registration time. What the fuck? I want my classes, motherfuckers. If it works out, it will be so nice. So lovely.

But I did get the research job in a Huntington's Lab at MGH (!!!). It's amazing. Ever since I found out freshman year, this is what I've wanted to do. It was nice, coming to college and knowing exactly what I wanted. There is a security in knowing. Nothing else has ever appealed to me as much. It's bio or nothing, baby. Okay, or being a mother. But I intend to do both. And now, after so long, after telling myself for years through bad nights and bad days that it would be okay, that I was going to get through it for the work, that this was the bigger thing than me, after holding onto it as the one thing I could count on, I finally have it.

It's a scary thing, losing your dreams. It's the biggest relief in the world to get them back. It is indescribable. And actually getting your dreams? Well, this isn't even so much of a dream. It's determined purpose. So actually getting determined purpose?

It must be like buying your first house.

Okay I should do German now. It's so weird having a normal amount of work. I could get used to this. Very used to this. But first....what are you supposed to do with this "free time"? I went to the gym, I ate, I saw some friends, showered, read the NY Times, FML, facebooked, watched Scrubs last night...

Okay, time to go look for some new books to read