taking me so much higher and leading me home

we'll only hit the ground running

2010-07-29T00:07:00.002-04:00

It's now July 29th and I'm back in Jersey. I probably should have updated a -bit- more in Germany. I mean, it's arguably the most interesting thing to ever happen to me and for once I could have written things that people wanted to read. Sofa somehow writes these fantastically interesting posts about seemingly minor events but I am not blessed with this skill. So Germany was my one chance to be really interesting. Ah well

A lot of people told me that studying abroad that I would 'find myself'. I don't really know if that's true. I've only been home for a week and a half (my god, it feels like so much longer. Two weeks ago I was noch im Deutschland mit Kinder Riegeln und die Altstadt und die Neckar und....) Perhaps I need some time to obtain the proper perspective. Maybe once the culture shock goes away. Seriously, why are the malls here SO big? Why is everyone so surprised when I walk to the store? And why can't I get from one place to another with public transportation?!

However, I have noticed two minor things about myself. First off, I feel more self conscious. Maybe this is because I only had myself to worry about in a country full of people I was terrified of upsetting. I wanted to fit in like a proper German. I constantly was self conscious, though, of my accent, my poor grammar and vocabulary, my possible lack of cultural understanding. It's not a paralyzing thing, but there (and here) I find myself even more concerned about what people think and say about me.

Second off, English grammar has become more and more elusive to me. I sometimes stare at the words I've written and literally have no idea if I make any sense at all or if the words are hopelessly out of order. I don't know why. I spoke English a lot in Germany. I typed in it to all my friends. I read the NYTimes. It's my mother language for fuck's sake. I should just know it! I usually write a sentence, do a double take, realize I have no idea if it's right or wrong, and just continue on and hope my implicit memory is better than my explicit memory.

Thus, I should stop writing now, as this is probably already hopelessly muddled, with run on sentences and sloppy punctuation mark usage.

However, I leave you with a semi-interesting fact: The human mind really only processes 4 clauses in a sentence at a time. After 4 commas / dashes / whatever, the mind goes FUCK YOU GODDAMNIT and stops connecting them. It confuses me why my German books still have sentences that take up half the page, but I suppose they're just an overachieving lot.

Also, I have decided to spread the knowledge of Paul the Psychic Octopus to the US. I find it disturbing how many people are not creeped out by this cephalopod's predictive powers. I am additionally finding it hard to communicate the awesomeness of German bachelor and bachelorette parties. It leaves out the fact that the bride/grooms sell these condoms and thongs to finance their drinking. Which is important.

If I have gained nothing else from Germany, it is this: a desire to one day have a bachelorette party sort of like that

That and the desire to bring the magic of Kinder Riegeln to the US. Mmmmmmm

this time baby, i'll be bulletproof

2010-03-30T15:15:00.003-04:00

On March 14th, I arrived in Tübingen, Germany, which is to be my home until July. The first few days were some of the most miserable times I have ever experienced. It's gotten better, though they tell us that the homesickness and sadness is not over yet; in fact, it probably hasn't begun yet. Typically you arrive, are all excited, then become sad and homesick and finally adjust and acclimate to your new home. We'll see how that goes.

People keep asking me how Europe is, and I have a hard time answering that. It's sort of the same. There's land, there's people, there are houses and schools and stores and everything that the US has. There are a lot of struggles similar to the first weeks of college: Who's going to be your friend? Where do you fit in? How do you do your laundry? Where's the best place to eat? Drink? How in the world do I get around?

There's a lot of things that are very different too, and most are sneaky. These tiny things actually are the most apt to set off homesickness. Like their recycling- I always recycle at home, but I still can't figure out what the hell is supposed to go where. Or that they stop at red crosswalk lights even if there's no cars coming. Or that you don't pay to get on buses- you're simply expected to pay, and while they have random checks, I've seen one check in the two and half weeks I've been here for. Or that there's practically no Wi-FI and I haven't seen a single Jeep since I left the States. You wake up one morning and you realize you're in another country, with a weird fridge and a washing machine with options you've never heard of before with brand names in stores you've never seen and no idea how to get a hold of a damn chocolate chip cookie.

A lot of these things are actually nice. I like the general culture. I love how it looks, the people are all nice, and I can't find too much I absolutely dislike. Regardless, it's quite different.

And then there's the whole language issue. I've taken 5 semesters of German, which is what you're required to take to come here. My German was absurdly awful when I first got here, but it's improved a lot in the scant 2.5 weeks I've lived here. I found myself thinking in German on the way home. It wasn't as natural as thinking in English, I was thinking words, not thoughts (if that makes sense- think about it, if you speak another language) but regardless, I had to make myself switch to English. Even now there are a few phrases that I almost type in German instead of English. Still though, my brain runs too fast for my German to keep up, yet. I make mistakes and realize them right away, but I'm already 3 words in the future and it must make for very confusing German to listen to. The people here are all very nice and most say that my German is not that bad at all.

It absolutely adds another layer of complexity to the general experience. You're in a different country and everything runs differently- but you can't even understand the language well enough to figure out what IS different. Even just ordering food or asking for directions can be disheartening. Getting mail is worse sometimes, because 'official' German is AWFUL to read. Their Burokratie rivals the insanity of the DMV. It's all very well organized but it is intense.

Like I said though, I've been fairly happy. Sometimes when I'm tired I'm sick of speaking German and I just want a Big Mac and screens in my windows and a cell phone with an area code I know (I have no idea how their phone numbers work) but most of the time, I find myself entranced by how different things are and interested in really learning German and excited to spend a few months here. I'm not really homesick at all- but I do miss Chip and my friends desperately. Each day is a bit different, but it's always hard to be so far away from them.

My parents have been and on and off worry. For the first time here, I can go the whole day without worrying. They seem so far away, they sometimes don't even register on my worry scale. I feel rather carefree, honestly. It's a great realization, because I've always worried that I would have nothing to talk about and nothing to make me me if I ever didn't have to worry about my parents. I'm pretty much the same person though, just less stressed. On the other hand, I need to worry about them and I feel a bit guilty. It is so hard to get things done from Germany. When I worry, I want to do things, and I want to do them now- but I can't. I need to wait. This isn't something I'm good with, though it's a good time to work on it.

I'm going to Rome next week. It's waay more expensive than I would have liked, but it is Rome. And it will be fantastic. I'm going with two really cool girls from my program, I think we'll work out well as travel partners. I hope so. Then real classes start.

This sounds a bit depressing, but really, Germany is great in a lot of ways. I think it's really good for me to focus on me for a little- I've never gone so long without really worrying about my parents before, and I've never been able to shrug it off so well. Like I said, it makes me feel guilty, but sometimes....just what am I supposed to do? And I have the internet and I can call and IM people and Skype is amazing, so that makes it better too. It's just one semester, and it feels like forever, but the past 4 months went by so fast...I swear I was JUST in Jamaica...so these 4 months will go by fast as well

Bis später!

crack the shutters open wide;; i want to bathe in the light of day

2010-01-02T01:17:00.003-05:00

Oh dear, it's 2010. This is so bizarre. It's like when I finally turned 18. It was surreal that I had reached a point I had been looking forward to for so long. I turn 21 in 21 days. It'll make life so much easier! It's also the last birthday that's really worth looking forward to. That's a bit sad, actually.

So SofSof's post was what prompted me to write. It's also because I'm using my brother's computer and I like the way the keyboard sounds. Is that something just I like? Or do other people discriminate between different keyboards and the sound/feeling they have? I doubt this is just an oddity of mine. I digress.

2009 was an interesting ride. I have a hard time characterizing years. They seem so long and yet so short that I can't adequately sum them up. I swear, I was just turning 20, but that was eons ago in Spring Semester; the summer and Fall Semester went by so quickly but the spaces in between are like chasms of time. I'm sorry, I don't mean to be so pretentious, I just can't think of any other words for it.

I suppose a lot has happened. My mom became increasingly more forgetful and was diagnosed with Mild Cognitive Impairment, or dementia, or both. Different doctors said different things. I applied for Disability for my parents and figured out how to insure them for the rest of their lives. We started getting the house fixed up to sell. Greg and I bought a car. I learned to drive stick. Greg started college. Greg crashed our car. Matt moved to Massachusetts. I survived two more semesters of college. I did research and I enjoyed it. I decided to study abroad in Germany for real. I bought my plane ticket. My Uncle Paul died. Chip and I are good. My friends and I are all good. I went to Jamaica with Chip and his family and I got my first passport stamp.

Listing all that makes me feel rather accomplished. I like it. Sometimes I feel as though I'm in the hull of a ship and water is pouring in everywhere. I keep plugging the holes, but new ones keep appearing. I only have so many plugs. I could shove my fingers in the holes too, but then I'd be stuck. I don't want to be stuck in a sinking ship, but I want to do everything I can to keep the damn thing afloat. It's nice to see that I actually did something.

I can't see what this year will bring. I turn 21, I go abroad, I start my senior year of college, I do my own research (sort of), I start applying for jobs (?!?! do you do that fall semester senior year? I feel like you do)....I don't really believe in New Year's resolutions. There are so many other points in the year at which to decide to live differently. I'm working on being more independent and less afraid of conflict with people. I'm also trying to be more motivated and proactive with my family.

Most importantly though, I'm trying to keep my happy. I always strive to be happy where I am. In high school, I didn't want to waste what time I had being sad; it felt wrong and silly to spend time upset. Once I found out I didn't have Huntington's, I wanted to enjoy the life I got back. That's why I got my tattoo and that's why I got it on my wrist. I wanted to be reminded every day how worried I had been that I was going to lose everything and how happy I was that I got it back. Everytime I see the ink I want to remember again that happiness must be found and fought for- that if I'm unhappy where I am, it's up to me to fix it. If I want to fritter my life away, that's my call, but I don't want to. I want to spend every moment I can happy and enjoying life however I want to enjoy life. There have been times this year where I haven't been happy and it hasn't been for any particular reason. That bothers me

I know that we forget the fear we feel when we think we're going to die. We have to forget it. It's mind numbing. I know we can't always feel the relief at surviving. But that doesn't mean I won't try. That middle ground between happy and sad? That place of no feeling? I'm not okay with that place. So in 2010, like every year after this, I just want to continue to find happiness. I want to embrace life, not cower under it's weight. So I will

eyes wide shut unopen

2009-08-13T16:37:00.005-04:00

There are times when I am so aggravated with all of this. I want the freedom to do something crazy, to do what I want. Every serious decision I make has to be made with my family in mind. I splurge on what I buy now sometimes because the time in which I will have disposable cash is ever shortening. When I graduate, I will have loans to pay off and my parents to support. I'm sure that their cash reserves will last a bit, but I'm relying on those now to get me through school and my parents through life until I graduate. They will need to buy another house. Or if they live in an apartment, that will cost money too. And sure, this house will sell for something, but still.

There will need to be someone to take care of them, someone to clean, someone to make sure they eat. Help is expensive. Or I'll have to be there to do it. They drive me crazy. I can't bear to be around them. I'm so resentful, I think I really need to see someone, because I just hate this.

It's just, what about my life? What if I want to move in with someone? I can't leave this goddamn house. After I graduate, how am I supposed to pay back my loans, live with someone and contribute my half of the household/apartmenthold, and support my parents? Who the fuck is going to want to be with me and my baggage? It's not like there's anything I can do about it. I'm responsible for them. Who would wait for that? What if I miss out on everything I want because I can't take the steps I want to to sustain a meaningful relationship- because I'm tied down to all of this?

Ugh, this is awful. They're my parents and all I can is resent them. And this is just a huge mess of self pity. Who needs someone to love them, anyway?

More self pity. I'm sorry, I'm just so angry

EDIT:

Oh well. What am I going to do? Everyone else deserves to live their lives too. No one else should have to be dragged down by this and me. I'll figure something out. Being alone won't kill me. I have my whole life. My brothers may be sick. I'm not. It's my responsibility to take care of our parents. Nothing else I can do

with my lightning bolts a'glowin'

2009-08-05T21:15:00.003-04:00

In the midst of all this suffering and all of this torture, I've felt lost and questioned my basic beliefs in justice, in how everything works out, in finding happiness and in finding the brighter side of everything.

It's something I've struggled with before, and I'm sure I will struggle with it again. It really should be expected. I strive to be optimistic, but blind optimism is naïve and it's only natural as an intelligent and informed person to wonder at the state our world is in.

Within the past week, a drunk and high woman drove up the wrong side of a highway and hit another vehicle head on. She killed the occupants of the other car, herself, her toddler and three nieces. All the children were under the age of 8. Two teenage boys were driving on a road I've driven on a million times. It was raining and their Corvette hydroplaned or they couldn't see the lines or something and they ended up on the other side of the road, where they were hit head on by an SUV. Both boys died. One boy, the boy who's 'vette it was, just lost his mother in April. His dad died years ago. He left just his brother as the sole survivor of their family. Both boys were going to be sophomores.

All these lives, all these people, gone, cut short, gone before they really started. I can't figure out how that fits into the 'everything works out' belief. Maybe it's stupid to believe that it all works out, but maybe it's incredibly brave as well because you're believing something that you know damn well will be hard as hell to believe in.

However, they also mean that even though life sucks, there's no reason to just let it slip away. It can be gone in a freak second. Might as well make all those seconds before hand matter.

Maybe that's what it is. Every thing works out not because life works out, but because if there's any fight in you, you find a way to make your life matter to you. Everything works out because you make it that way. I will make it that way. We will get through this. We will be okay

my own two arms will carry you tonight, tonight

2009-08-04T18:09:00.004-04:00

I don't know what's wrong with me. I had a truly amazing 2 days. Actually, from Friday to today was all really good. Even before that, it hasn't been that bad. My parents have been irking me and what not, but I actually got that stuff all worked out. I'm still worried out of my mind, but I've gotten better at not thinking about it. Nothing else I can do yet, worrying too much can't help anyone. I don't feel listless or anything like that.

But there's just this....this awful ominous feeling. It's not about anything in particular, which is especially obnoxious. Usually I'll have them, but something specific will feel likely. For instance, I won't have a good feeling about my family- maybe not bad, but it won't feel good- or school, or friends, or Chip, or something like that. But this isn't like that. There are things that are exacerbating my worry, but I know that they're not the cause of it, and that my worries aren't intuition, they're just worries. It's just the waiting.

I'm awful at waiting. The relief I felt at finding out I was safe, that I didn't have Huntington's, was the single most amazing feeling I have ever felt. It wasn't instantaneous and it never really fully hit me all at once. I've had plenty of other much more amazing 'point experiences'. I've have equally amazing long term experiences. But that relief...it was so much more than anything I could ever explain. I think a lot of it was just the immense stress from not knowing driving me crazy. I never ever had any intuition about what the answer would be. I tried. It never came to me.

Maybe that's what this is, the waiting. I'm so impatient. I'd rather get everything done right now, right this second, I'd rather deal with bad things now then later. I guess what it comes down to is that I'm terrified of the unknown. Waiting is the most excruciating torture.

And I think that's what my uneasy feeling is. I don't want to go back to school, I'm afraid. I'm angry that I'm afraid, but I am. I want things to change but I don't. I don't understand why I'm so uneasy, so afraid. I have always been able to find happiness. I always make it work somehow. I have gotten through bad things and I have seen people get through awful times and I know people who have gone through so much worse. And they made it out, they're okay, I'm okay, we're all okay.

But I read these stories in the paper, these awful stories of these people who's lives went to hell and I don't get it. I believe things work out in the end. How do some of these things work out? And my life, I'm balancing it just like it is right now. Any movement is catastrophic. I know things may well change when I go back to school. I'm okay with it. I know it will be hard. I hope I really like my job at MGH. If I like it, I can spend a lot of time there. Maybe that will help.

Still, I'm terrified. Even though I consciously know this terror is understandable but stupid because I always make it through. And in my life, everything really has always worked out in the end. Things I thought were awful and terrible- best case in point, when Phil broke up with me- ended up being the best things that happened. I thought it would be awful when he told me we couldn't talk anymore, but I made the decision to move on, and so when I found out he cheated on me, it was all anger, not pain. And I had already consciously decided none of what I was going through was worth it. My life is still fucked up and messy, but I make it work. So why am I so scared?

I don't want to lose Chip. I have had my share of bad choices, I have made mistakes, I have failed. We both have had roughs times, some of our own making, some because that's life. We both got through it. I always wanted someone who was always there for me, never forgot about me, someone who would sort of take care of me. I have amazing friends, and all of them help me by listening, but I always feel like I have to take care of them, and that burdening them with my problems prevents that. I always wanted a me: not perfect but unerringly there. Chip is a me. Don't take him from me. Romantically or whatever, well, that I don't expect. Our paths will inevitably depart in that respect eventually. Will they meet again? I don't know. And that's okay, because there's no reason we can't be friends and then I wouldn't have lost him now, would I?

But don't take him from me. He deserves his beautiful future life far more than I deserve mine.

I feel a little better

2009-07-26T20:42:00.000-04:00

See, even just by writing that, I feel a bit better. Food time

gonna get through this

2009-07-26T20:04:00.003-04:00

I don't know what else to do other than write.

I know who I want to be, I know how I want to be. I want to be strong, I want to be reliable, I want to be level headed and rely on common sense. I hate being weak, I hate feeling weak, I hate feeling out of control and I hate feeling totally dependent. I hate feeling like everyone has to help me and I hate that I feel like I help no one.

I tell myself I feel so weak because of my family. That I've erected a life around this stupid disease, and if any part of it fails, everything fails. It's like a tower of blocks I haphazardly threw around, and any interruption threatens the whole thing. I tell myself I've never been patient and I can't expect myself to be able to be saintly. I tell myself I resent my family deep down and that it makes it harder to be patient. I tell myself that I'm tired, that I'm stressed out, that my dad takes his stress out in his way and my mom doesn't deal with her stress and that I'm going to slip up sometimes. I tell myself it's okay because I'm not perfect and I never will be and the important thing is that I know it's wrong and I try to correct it.

I can't accept it though. There's no reason I can't be more patient. There's no reason I have to be like this. There are people I have to be strong for and I want to be strong, I want to be so badly, and I just am not. I talk about it to deal with it but then it makes people feel like they have to take care of me and they don't have to and then I worry they'll resent me just like I resent my family and I can't stand the thought of losing them and I still can't be stronger for them. I still can't hide it, I still can't deal with all by myself. I should be able to deal with this by myself.

I tell myself that beating myself up helps no one. It saps my energy in two ways and just makes it harder to be the person I want to be. Some days it just hurts though. I should be able to handle my family with ease. I shouldn't be crying. I shouldn't make people worry about me. It's not that bad. It's just my bad temper and my impatience. I always want to help people, how come helping my family is so hard? It shouldn't be.

I know I need help, I know it's not like I'm drinking or doing drugs, I feel overwhelmed but it never lasts too long. I always find a way to climb out of it. But I don't want people to worry about me. I don't want to be that weak broken girl who can't deal with her own problems, which aren't even all that bad anyway

we're only taking turns holding this world

2009-07-21T18:30:00.003-04:00

The visit to the lawyer was rather successful. I can't say it was incredibly enlightening, as most routes they suggested (I spoke to two lawyers together) were just not feasible at this time. I can't imagine the hell my mom would go through if she began divorce proceedings right now. Once Greg and I are gone, who will be left? Matt's never home (who can blame him) and I don't know how she'd cope. Taking the money away from him was suggested, but my mother can't be trusted to pay bills and my father would probably have even more of a fit.

I just think it has to be done fast, all at once. But they were still very helpful. They told me about involuntary committal and now I have someone to call the next time my father goes crazy and gets taken by the police.

It just made me feel better about my family and about everything else going on right now. The entire system is so confusing and vast; it was nice to speak to someone who actually knew what was going on. I've been sick with worry, but now I feel a bit better. I'm still worried, but just a little less. For now, it's a start.

Now, it's just waiting. I need to stop reading into things so much- half the time I worry I only see what I want. My indecision kicks in bad, and I worry equally about reading too much into things and not reading enough into them- I don't want to offend or injure by seeing something not there, but I don't want to hurt by not catching something. It'll be obvious when it's important. I'm just going to feel a bit better and think of how fucking awesome it will be when these things are over

i'll never let you go

2009-07-20T09:51:00.006-04:00

I have the beginnings of a plan.

I'm going to the lawyer who specializes in family law tomorrow, provided I safely reach Hackensack with Buzzer. I'm getting the hang of the manual car- I still stall occasionally, but for the most part, I drive with minimal thought. It's not first nature yet, but it's getting there. I know I need to get guardianship over my family's finances, but I don't know how easy it will be, how long it will take, if it'll affect my financial aid, the process of getting it and so on. I think I'll pursue it when I get home from school in December. I have until March, so hopefully that'll be enough time. Though that's something else I should ask- how it would work when I'm abroad. Perhaps I should consider a co-guardian.

Then I'll talk to my Uncles Jimmy, Stephen and John. I also believe the time has come to institutionalize my father. As soon as the court declares him mentally incompetent, I'll put him somewhere. I don't know where I'll find the money. I may have to ask my uncles for it. I also have to ask the lawyer about my mom divorcing my father so they don't take all the assets from her to pay for the home. I don't know where I'll send him. They have places that specialize in Huntington's patients. I would prefer that, because he'll get the best care. But if I must, I'll put him in a psych ward.

I feel awful, but he has had his chance to make things better. He took my mother down with him as he degenerated and I have to do what I can for her. I think that means getting him out of the house. It'll be tragic if he ends up drugged up 24/7 in a psych ward, but I can't help them both. Not when he doesn't want to be helped.

I don't know whether to move my family to a small apartment or not. I could, then Matt could finish school. On the other hand, where will Greg and I stay? I guess there are apartments with more than two rooms. It'll be cheaper than what we're living with now. Once I have control over the finances, I'll find someone to advise me on whether to invest it or not. Additionally, I need to know how much they've trashed their credit score by not paying bills on time. Maybe they can't buy a house because they wouldn't get a mortgage anyway. I certainly don't have the credit to do that.

I also am thinking about bringing my parents to a neurologist before going back to school. Maybe if I bring both, I can coerce my father into going. I have to ask my mom's therapist if my mom may need a neurological visit. Maybe the problem is deeper than just intense stress. Then again, I'm half crazy from it, aren't I? But maybe it's better to check. If so, maybe there will be drugs to help. And the neurologist can fill out the disability forms, and maybe it'll come through in enough time to help pay for health insurance for my father.

Though, with no income, maybe they'll qualify for Medicaid. Another thing I need to ask someone.

I swear though, I am becoming increasingly hostile towards all forms of bureaucracy. I think it's disgusting how they allocate their resources so improperly and how in order to navigate it, you need a lawyer, which means you need money, but you're trying to navigate the system to get the money. My parents both worked and paid into this system. They paid their taxes, their Social Security, their Medicare, for how long? The system is supposed to help. It's not supposed to turn a blind eye and then hurt.

Have I mentioned how grateful I am to have Chip? I know I can handle this and that I have a plan and that it's not fair for me to dump this on him anyway. But I swear, talking to him for just a few minutes makes everything seem okay, even if we're not talking about the problem. Even just an away message or a few words from him can make my day. He's my best friend and he makes my life good. But I have to be strong for me and him. I don't want him to feel bad for being busy, but at the same time I want to communicate to him how important he is to my life. He always seems to understand what I mean. I can and will get through this. We can and will get through this. He reminds me that it's hard sometimes, but that there are good things out there.

God, I miss his smile and how much he makes me laugh. I am so lucky so have him in my life. He's hard on himself sometimes, but he is an amazing person. He brings such happiness and light into my life, and it kills me when life is so rough to him. He deserves so much better. I try to believe the everything happens for a reason and that it'll all work out, but sometimes it's just hard. It doesn't seem fair.

He's so generous with his time and himself, so silly, the only guy I've ever met who appreciates my quirks instead of just dealing with them, so much fun, so caring. He is incredibly important to me, and I want to appreciate every moment I have. I have someone truly tremendously great in my life. It is hard with my family, but I know he's always there for me. And I need to be strong too and handle it. I need to be strong for me and for him. I don't want him to worry.

I hope these words convey some sense of how I feel- I fear words are simply inadequate, but they're all I have. I love him and I miss him- what else is there to say? At least I have someone to love and miss, someone who is worth crying over and missing. These days drag on, but they're still days we're alive, and that means there's still reason to hope. That has to mean something.

i miss the sound of your voice

2009-07-19T23:06:00.003-04:00

So I was out with Katie and Jamie the other night; we went to get some food at the Cheesecake Factory. We were talking and Katie said something that I had never really been able to put into words before. She said how I dealt with problems sort of as if each one was a crisis because I was always in crisis coping mode. I saw what she was talking about, but I also know I try to be laid back and easy going. I would describe myself as a stressed out individual, but I wouldn't say I was high strung or anything. They agreed that I was not high strung now, but that in high school, it wouldn't be have been an inappropriate description.

In high school, I would sometimes vent my stress at my family out through other things. Case in point, driving. I have never done anything knowingly dangerous or violent with my car. I don't cut people off to prove a point or play chicken or even tailgate much (or at least not to an extreme). But I do scream and curse at them from the haven of my own car. Do I think the fact that some asshole hit the brakes and didn't go through the light is life ending? No. Do I sound like it? Sure. I've always had a fast temper, and I guess I just decided I didn't want to control it in situations like that. I used what self control and patience I have to deal with the bigger things, and vented constantly to people to blow off the building stress.

I do feel that I mellowed out in college, probably in large part because I don't deal with my parents 24/7 365 days a year. It is comforting to know that this isn't necessarily a personality trait, but something that occurs under duress.

Today I really realized how bad the crisis mode I'm in is. I drove myself crazy for about an hour or two worrying that I had misinterpreted a tweet- like, couldn't concentrate, felt nauseous, worried, bargained, obsessed- if neuronal activity was exhibited through heat released from the head, I could have burned a hole through the wall. (Listen, I am bothered too by the scientific inaccuracies and holes in that statement. Just go with it).

I finally calmed myself down with some food and tea and a stern talking to. But that scares me deeply. I suppose a kind person would say that with the amount of stress I was under, it was the straw that broke the camel's back; that it wasn't what I was freaking out over, but the sheer volume of my worries. But all I can see is this: A neurotic 20 year old who can't let things go, who not only made a possible mistake in reading something but then proceeds to harp on her lack of perfection and works herself into a frenzy over two fragments of sentences. What is wrong with me? Why is there no perspective?

I am not going to get better overnight. I must accept that while I strive to be calm, strong, level headed, wise, easy going, laid back, super human, I will never achieve all I strive for. And that's a good thing- I want to think I'm a good person, but I don't ever want to stop wanting to grow. But I must also accept that I need to let things go. That my way of coping with things does not make me weak, but if I have a problem with it, I must simply fix it instead of worrying about it. I talk to people and it calms me down. It's like magic. That makes me feel dependent and weak, but someone said "No man is an island". And while I believe they meant we're all interconnected, I think it's also that we're not supposed to be. If you deal with your problems silently, that's great, but I don't think there's anything wrong with talking about things if that helps.

Right now, I am going crazy with worry. Absolutely. I am frustrated by a system that does not help and only harms me and the people I love. I am stressed out at the magnitude of the problems before me and hobbled by the belief deep down that I should be able to deal with this myself. That asking for help makes me weak. But I need help, just like I need to calm down and get through this. My father is growing more unhinged. Enough of waiting. Well, I have to wait, but at least I can plan. And I have to ask for help. I don't know the relative risks of selling the house now in a down market but before more damage is done vs. the risk of selling it in a better market but in possible more run down condition. I don't know if I should invest some savings or if I should keep it in lump cash just in case. I don't know if the porch can be repaired or if it's better off being rebuilt.

But I have decided this: I have got to calm down. I want to be a less neurotic person. So I'm going to stop beating myself up over being stressed and concentrate on calming down. I want to be able to deal with some things by myself without feeling so overwhelmed- so instead of berating myself for failing, I'll just try harder the next time. My stress will affect my life until this is over, but I doesn't need to destroy my mind too. This disease has done enough damage to two people. I don't need to be it's next victim.

And I don't want to be pessimistic and feel out of control. It's going to be okay.

I also want a hug from Chip. He gives the best hugs.

& shout out please come back

2009-07-03T02:27:00.003-04:00

I know what I want. I wonder why it is comforting to have some kind of plan, why people seek to know what they want. Not knowing what you want leads to confusion and angst. But knowing what you want means you can lose it. At least not knowing what you want means you can stumble across something and maybe, maybe it'll become something you need.

I stumbled across something so long ago- damn it's been a long time- and I know I want it. And I can't have it. But I want it in all it's twisted perfection, it's frustrating logic and hilarious illogic. It drives me crazy and I still want it. Maybe I'm crazy. But it makes me happy, so happy.

I find it strangely amusing that I find security in an idea of a plan for the future I know very well (almost certainly) will change. I find it funny how quickly our perceptions change. I've been trying to communicate some idea of what's in my head for the past 45 minutes, but I continue to fail. Can't force what's not ready. It's not ready. And I know not to force it and I don't want to. I will leave it be.

My wants and desires are strong, but require more augmentation to be successful

Wow, I have officially reached the point where I should no longer be able to write. Sleep

the ocean breathes salty, won't you carry it in?

2009-06-10T02:25:00.002-04:00

I hate my fear of uncertainty. I'm 20 years old. I go to a good school, I'm doing well, I am not sick, I don't have Huntington's, and you'd think that I could look to the future with slightly less fear of all the things that could happen. Consciously I'm optimistic and excited. No, excited is a poor word for it. Anything could happen, anything, and that is a mind boggling fact. In a good way. But subconsciously, that scares the living shit out of me.

I want to be stronger than that.

I'm much better at appreciating the present. I just have to get down the appreciating the future

rain to leave you all alone but keep eyelashes falling

2009-05-24T23:33:00.005-04:00

I catch moths in glasses and let them go outside. I love chocolate chip cookies. I am sad. I am happy. I love to laugh. I am old. I am way too young. I know what I want to be, how I want to be, who I want to be. I fear I fail a lot.

There are some days I want to run away. More often, I just want to win the lottery. I realized the other day that I traded in a food court for peace from bratty kids last summer. I believe I got the better side of the bargain. I'm feeling very random tonight and I have no idea why so I'm rolling with it.

Maybe just starting all of it will make this all easier. Maybe it's the uncertainty and the limbo that's getting to me. That's what got to me last time. The waiting that took so damn long drove me crazy. On another note, I need to stop spending so frivolously. I don't need all that Starbucks. It's so good but I don't need it. Or new shirts. A pair or two of shorts, maybe a skirt, a pair of sandals and I should be done.

Oh and a car. That will be hot

Maybe it will be reading times now. Yes, reading times

EDIT: On the plus size, books next semester will be cheap!

I've read a bit and I still feel antsy. I'm not completely sure why it took me so long to discover The Fray. There are so few bands that don't try my patience, particularly when I'm like this, contemplative. They don't irk me when I'm sad either and they don't depress me when I'm happy.

There are parts of my life right now that just suck. There is no more eloquent way of putting it. But the rest is excellent. It is odd, the schizophrenic nature of it all. I fear I dwell often on the present and to some extent the past. I analyze and I think and I ponder. The more I think about what's happening right now, the more I realize there is simply nothing more I can do. I have to get guardianship. I have to find a therapist. I have to get a car. I have to save money. What more can I do?

No, I'd rather think about the future. Not next semester or next year but three, four years from now. When hopefully this craziness is more manageable, when I have a job and a pet and freedom. It's oddly frightening and exhilarating. I've always had a plan, known what I wanted to do next. I altered it when something came up, but it's not like the feeling a lot of my graduated friends felt- the "What the hell do I do now?" feeling. The boundless variety of options are both terrifying and exciting. Being tied to my family is therefore both a burden and a blessing. I know where I'll be. Too many options can be crippling. If there's an option I want that seems like it isn't open to me, I'll figure it out. But it at least narrows the field down a bit.

I think a great deal about the future and yet not at all. I think about how I want to get a job in research, I want to get my masters, maybe a PhD, I want to do Huntington's research but that I don't want a career more than I want a family. I want a beautiful house and an amazing husband and kids. I want to redo my life. I will never let my house fall into disrepair or forget how to parent my children or fall into this semblance of a life my parents have going on. I don't need a huge amount of money, I don't need to be massively successful. I just want to be happy. And I know what makes me happy.

At the same time, I don't really think all that much about it. I don't want to set out some vision in my head of how it should be, because I'm fully aware it probably won't work out that way. The sheer amount of different things that could happen are fully mind numbing. I simply cannot grasp it all, and I don't want to live so fixated on the future that I forget to enjoy now. My father will die, I will fight with people I love, I will cry, I will break up, get back together, break up, break down, build back, fail. I will be overwhelmed and frustrated with the situation and myself for not dealing better with it. That's life.

I want to think of the nice things that could lay before me. And I want an idea of what I want. But I don't want to constrain myself. I want to love whatever happens or deal with whatever happens and not bemoan the fact it isn't what I thought it would be. When is it?

Ah this is all such nonsense. More reading. No more torturing other people and myself with all this

when all i need is to turn around, to make it last, to make it count

2009-05-17T02:35:00.003-04:00

I consider myself a fairly intelligible person. I possess a decent vocabulary and a grasp of the English language, including it's grammar and nuances. I am capable of having shallow and deep conversations and am adept at manipulating the language I've spoken for twenty years.

Still, there are days (and nights) where the words simply fail me and I am struck by the inadequacy of words alone, words I used to believe so much in, to properly convey the breadth and depth of the half formed emotions and fragments of ideas in my mind that I dearly want to communicate- if only I could find the words.

Perhaps, however, it not the words, but the emotions and fragments that have not been resolved properly into concepts that can be expressed with the tools I have at hand. Is that a fault in the concept or in the way in which I wish I express it?

I need to sleep more.

the violins make no sound & i begin to feel the ground

2009-04-23T20:32:00.003-04:00

The unfairness, tragedy and irony of life is sometimes too great for me to believe. I desperately want thing to work. Things to make sense. And I believe that whenever I feel unsettled, depressed, disheartened or generally at odds with myself, I go through a million different things as to why that could be. And typically, it's a different situation every time. But it basically always, in my experience, ends up being the exact same thing at the heart of the matter: It shouldn't be this way.

And I won't spend pages lamenting things I cannot change and I will not let the uneasy sadness get to me. I understand that that is life and that no amount of raving or ranting will change this very nature of life. But I refuse to simply accept it. I will not let it get to me, I will not be crippled by my anger, but I will not pass it off. Don't get me wrong; I acknowledge the futility of hurling myself against facts of life that are beyond human control and will never change. I have learned that part of dealing with something is getting beyond the inherent unfairness, because agonizing over it will alter nothing.

But I will not cave in either. I believe that if one loses sight of the irony, if one fails to see a better life, that one may live more contentedly; they undoubtedly suffer far fewer nights of tossing and turning. However, without realizing the tragedy of life, one cannot seek to make it better. If you do not have to fight against the harsh reality of the world to be happy, then I wish that you never have to. And most of the time, I've become capable enough that I do not have to. But in the times when I do, when it all seems so shallow, so dingy, so fragile to the point that hopelessness threatens to consume, it is then when I decide that life is that way- but that it is what we make out of this place that matters.

I am broken and I am messed up in more ways than I probably know. I would like to be a strong and helpful person, someone to rely on, a good friend, a good person, intelligent, resourceful, caring. I know in some, if not all of these ways, I fail. Maybe it's lying to myself, maybe I'm just sugarcoating, perhaps this is indeed why I am so deft at rationalizing. I see the atrocious things the world has to offer- the sadness, the pain, the irony- and the quieter but far more frightening things- the loss of hope, the bleakness, the emptiness, the loneliness- and I know there are depths I have not seen and hope to never see.

That world is real, but so is the happiness, the friendship, the lazy day spent cuddling in bed, the numbers that save you and the drive to find a way to make something better out of this mess in front of us. I want that life. I don't want to look ahead and see only despair. I don't want to settle. I don't want the stomach turning feeling. I am tired of being sad. I am so sick to death of fighting, of worrying, of nothingness. I recognize that these things are never going away.

So I do what I can to minimize them. I do what I can do to ignore them. And I swear, living in the dual world of recognizing and knowing but ignoring, of understanding and not accepting, of knowing I will never change life but seeing no reason to stop trying, it's difficult sometimes. It is not fair. It never will be. This post doesn't make any sense does it? I've gone back and forth between sad and happy, between resigned and optimistic, between understanding and mature and furious and angry.

Nothing ever really makes sense though, not unless it's in a text book. So you know what I want?

I want life to be fair. In lieu of that, I want to wake up happy. I want to be okay when I'm sad. I want to never, ever look ahead and see only bleakness and despair. I want to be surrounded by the people I want to be surrounded with. I want to keep the people who make the emptiness go away. I want to laugh, I want to scream, I want to spin around in thunderstorms and I want to be filled with the intoxicating feeling of being alive because when I'm not, I remember how starkly unfair life is. Life is awful but being alive is too multifaceted to be explained in any trite phrase. I do not want to be afraid. I do not want to be weak. I am resilient but not strong. Does that make sense? I want to be both. I want to be happy and stay happy. I want to suck everything I can out of life because it tries to suck everything it can out of me and the people I love.

It should be me. I sit here and I honestly believe those words, for mainly selfish reasons.

I want love and I want passion and I want laughter and I want warmth and I want brilliance and I want anything and everything that I can find beauty and happiness in. And that's an awful lot of things. I will never stop being 5 and I never want to be. It is so hard to find perspective sometimes but it will get easier. I don't want to lie and pretend till I'm almost certain it's a beautiful world. I want to believe it.

& you, all of you. you help me believe it. you do. thank you

as she laughed and danced through the field of graves- there i knew, it would be alright

2009-04-08T17:23:00.004-04:00

HOs make double stranded breaks and it's sad, but the recombination afterward is more important anyway

Live forever and you'll go crazy

I swear, biology is pretty much everything a religion should be. It has answers (that tend to be right) and if you look hard enough, guiding moral principles! Except ignore Hardy-Weinburg laws. Especially about the parts about random mating. Hardy-Weinburg is not a good condition to be in. See? It even has parts to selectively ignore, like how many people ignore the tolerance part that all the holy books.

Goddamn, there was something I was going to write about and I have forgotten. What the hell? It wasn't bio, that was a random interlude. Oh I know.

You know, Grapevine Fires is a really good song. Shiznit, more random interlude. I lean on people a lot. Particularly involving my family. My pride doesn't keep me warm at night and I know that keeping it all inside doesn't help me. People be damned if they say it makes me weak. Talking about things makes them seem less scary. My head is jumbled mess of neurons firing at speeds that probably approach the speed of light, as my head makes time and distances seem less and more than what they really are. (Shit, I hate you physics!) After talking about things, I feel noticeably more organized, more calm, more collected. Sometimes it's helped by the fact that I got advice, but a lot of the time it's just because I talked it all out. I examined the situation from my side and the other side. I talked myself out of self pity and came to some conclusion.

And I'm not going to stop talking about when my father is screaming or Matthew is acting like a selfish brat or my mother is making me worry that I have to drop out of school to support the family. It helps me. I don't want to keep people out. I like them. I trust them. But I worry sometimes that I lean so hard I verge on knocking them over. That they take burdens from it that they shouldn't. And I'm sure it's not just me and I'm sure it's not just them. But I can handle all of this.

It's overwhelming to go home. Dealing with it day in and day out makes you numb to it. Counting the number of times you got called a bitch or a cunt or told to fuck off becomes a game. It all starts rolling off you, like rain on a windshield with Rainex (I think that's what that stuff is called). But I'm a big girl. I dealt with worse in high school when I was younger and had far more problems. I have more reasons to be happy. Lots more reasons.

By the way, it truly aggravates me that Tufts can't give me a good registration time. What the fuck? I want my classes, motherfuckers. If it works out, it will be so nice. So lovely.

But I did get the research job in a Huntington's Lab at MGH (!!!). It's amazing. Ever since I found out freshman year, this is what I've wanted to do. It was nice, coming to college and knowing exactly what I wanted. There is a security in knowing. Nothing else has ever appealed to me as much. It's bio or nothing, baby. Okay, or being a mother. But I intend to do both. And now, after so long, after telling myself for years through bad nights and bad days that it would be okay, that I was going to get through it for the work, that this was the bigger thing than me, after holding onto it as the one thing I could count on, I finally have it.

It's a scary thing, losing your dreams. It's the biggest relief in the world to get them back. It is indescribable. And actually getting your dreams? Well, this isn't even so much of a dream. It's determined purpose. So actually getting determined purpose?

It must be like buying your first house.

Okay I should do German now. It's so weird having a normal amount of work. I could get used to this. Very used to this. But first....what are you supposed to do with this "free time"? I went to the gym, I ate, I saw some friends, showered, read the NY Times, FML, facebooked, watched Scrubs last night...

Okay, time to go look for some new books to read

we'll fight, we'll fight for your musicals and dying cities

2009-03-20T00:27:00.002-04:00

Though this is no way a legally binding document- in fact, there is no way to even prove I ever wrote this- if I ever, god forbid, am in a coma with no brain function, do not keep me on life support.

Do not waste the money, do not consign yourself to the endless waiting and uncertainty, the never knowing. Unless a doctor can tell you there is some chance I will come back, let me go. I am not there. You will be left with exactly what you had before you pulled the plug- the memories you have and whatever else you have of me. You can't ever lose me because if you care, then I affected your life, and so I am always a part of it.

But seriously. Let me go. I'm an organ donor for a reason.

five day forecast brings black tar rains and hellfire

2009-03-08T21:06:00.003-04:00

This is why I stay away from politics.

After reading over my post from this Friday, I could only think "oh that should be changed...well, technically...that's not fair..." and so on.

Sometimes I feel it's viewed as indecision; sometimes I attribute the quality to myself. Honestly though, I just never feel that I know enough to make a sweeping call on anything. After what I've seen and experienced, I've learned one big thing- that you never really know. About people, about situations, about solutions. Maybe it's fear of being wrong, maybe it's the desire to know exactly what I'm doing at all times, but most times it's just this: More than fearing being wrong, I fear making a mistake.

You can be wrong about a person. That's okay. Making a mistake- not seeing something in someone you should have though- that's not okay with me. Or less okay, because being wrong about them in the first place bothers me too. You can be wrong about a belief or in a solution to a problem. But making a mistake that results in losing someone, in hurting people, in keeping you up at night- I desperately fear that.

It's also the science in me. It's be hammered into my head- you test everything. You hypothesize; you publish papers about you think is going on. But until you test it exhaustively, until you know, you don't really know. And I don't want to take some position and stick with it no matter what unless I know. If I don't know, I want to hear other things, other sides. I'm fascinated. I want more. Always.

But still, I was frustrated and it was soothing to write. And who reads this anyway? So no harm done by my antagonism and faulty thoughts, where ever they were

baby i've been here before;; i've seen this road and i've walked these floors

2009-03-06T19:37:00.002-05:00

Ah, Friday nights.

Now, I don't usually get too involved in politics. I read about the issues and I'm fairly well informed of what's going on. I can have intelligent conversations about most things going on to a certain extent, but I tend to not get overly involved. The problems that most people talk about today are so multi-faceted and overwhelming that it seems sometimes that the system can't fix it. The issues are so cumbersome, so massive, so intrinsic and so deep rooted that sometimes I think that it should just be scrapped and started over.

I would have voted for Obama, had I actually gotten my absentee ballot. I think that the other candidates were not better qualified to handle this mess; truth is, I don't think anyone really is. And I think he is doing as well as can be expected. Hm, lately my grammar has been much worse- I think my over thinking of German grammar is negatively impacting my English sentence structure. Anyway.

But it seems sometimes like there is so much and so little that can be done. It's so frustrating to watch this happen. What prompted this post, actually, was this status update from this random kid I used to do Student Congress with. The fellow in question is a (presumably) Republican who I often was at odds with, one of those people you're friends with because you technically know each other and have no reason not to accept the friend request though you haven't spoken to them ever about anything besides the reason you know each other.

Anyway. His status ends up my newsfeed the other day about how they should send Berneke to jail for not disclosing beneficiaries of the bailout and let G.M. fail. I wonder, sometimes, how people make these decisions- the politicians, I mean. Here is a company that is not and has not been doing well. It produces a product that many do not want and it has been irresponsible in not seeing this and altering their path. Given, they couldn't have predicted the high gas price craze of this past summer and the current crisis that has made people desperate to just pay their bills and their mortgage. Who's thinking of buying a car?

Why should the taxpayer be responsible for the mismanagement of a firm like that? A perfectly legitimate stand. On the other hand- how many people does G.M. employ? Sending them out of business costs the taxpayers money too. It will drive up unemployment numbers and won't do anything to stabilize the stock market. Those people who are now jobless will stop spending money, causing a drop in demand for consumer goods, which will hurt the companies who produce the products, who might not hire more people or lay people off. The laid off people from both companies will then need unemployment, Medicare/Medicaid, social security. They also won't be paying taxes. The government is out even more money.

And besides for the money, what about those families? The stress money issues cause, the things they won't be able to buy. How will they pay their mortgage? Their children's college tuition? Are they to be punished for the bad decisions of their bosses? And if you're a selfish bastard who doesn't care because you're sitting pretty on a better job and a savings account that hasn't taken a hit, do you want to be punished by having the pay for their benefits and lose the money from their taxes?

I also take offense to Wall Street insisting that their executives need their billion dollar salaries and if they're not offered, no one will work there. Since when did 500,000 become a small amount? Now, I am aware that other companies may continue to pay more- but maybe they'd drop the salaries they offer to keep in line with the now lowered salaries. May I point out that I know plenty of people who pursue medical degrees to become a wealthy doctor- making maybe 200,000 a year? What kind of society do we think we're running when we think that 200 grand is enough for a surgeon replacing people's hearts, but 500 grand isn't enough for running a company? A lot of people look to medicine for lucrative careers. At first, will people leave the financial sector? Maybe. But will people come back? I would certainly run a company for 500 grand a year.

Plus, what are you doing complaining that you're 'only' making half a million a year? You have a job. You have to prove yourself before you get to walk away with more. It's disgusting how top traders and analysts at companies, traders and CEOs and analysts who caused the companies to fail, walked away with a safety net, while the people who supported them- the secretaries, the assistants, the janitors and the lower level people- walk away with so much less. Man up, crybabies. Millions of years of evolution, and this is what we ended up with.

Speaking of evolution, you think someone would have figured out how to run a health insurance system that actually, you know, worked. I go to the doctor, I get a test done. It takes 5 minutes at most. The ingredients in the test are cheap (I know) and it only requires a microscope to look at. 30 bucks. My father is ill. This has produced so much stress on my mother that she probably has an anxiety disorder. She can't find a job. I don't think the anxiety helps. But she can't go to a psychiatrist- they cost so much money. And health insurance barely covers mental health. My parents would have been beggared had they not had insurance when my father had his heart attack and then needed surgery, stayed in the hospital for a month and then required rehab. We still get bills from it. Now that my mom lost her job, her health insurance coverage is going to disappear soon.

I need to get my wisdom teeth removed. I have to get it done before it expires. I can get insurance through my school. So can my younger brother. My other brother will have to buy into insurance with my mom and dad. But my dad has a heart condition, a neurological condition, a defibrillator, expensive heart medications every month, had a stroke a year and a half ago, had cancer as well. Who the hell will cover him? And at what cost? If he gets on disability, it's covered- I think.

The whole system is a complete mess. Companies will aggressively market new and expensive drugs. Patients get them- except the new drugs are far more expensive than the old drugs and don't work as well. You need health insurance most when something catastrophic happens- and that is the time you are least able to deal with the mess and bureaucracy that plagues what should be a basic human right- to go to a doctor, to be able to be diagnosed and treated.

People make a profit off of the suffering of others. Your knee hurts? MRI time! That'll be 700 dollars please. What? Listen, I know the machine cost a lot. The films cost money. The time to read them also costs money. But 700 dollars? Oh, you didn't find anything? That's great. I understand there needs to be profit. I will probably buy a house one day off of the illness and pain of others. I get that that is the way it works. But it is brought to a sickening degree. A doctor orders something and needs to get it okayed by an insurance company. They can just say no.

Do they have medical degrees? No. That CEO is bringing in how many hundreds of thousands of dollars a year and they're bringing middle class families to their knees and bankruptcy from medical debt. It shouldn't work like that. It shouldn't. Not in a country where 8000 dollars is spent per person per year on medical care, more than any other country. You should get out what you put in.

I just don't get how and why these things happen. People by nature are such vicious loving bastards. I get it. And I don't.

But seriously. The next pretentious ignorant naive uncaring middle class private school graduated college student I hear who starts saying they should let companies fail without a single mention or acknowledgment of the untold suffering they are causing to thousands of workers who did nothing wrong while they sit in their 40,ooo a year school dorm is going to get beat down.

we just want to sleep tonight

2009-01-16T21:49:00.002-05:00

You know those days where you just feel lost? The kind of days when as long as you stay away from your emotional maelstrom you're okay- but as soon as you get close to it, you get sucked in? And talking about it only seems to make it worse and worse, whether you're talking about it logically or just bitching? And the only result is you getting pulled farther in, making you feel even more out of control? And the maelstrom, it spins you around so much you're disoriented, unaware of what's right and left or up and down, which makes it even harder to deal with?

Yeah. I hate days like this.

get out from this guilt that will crush me

2008-11-18T23:07:00.002-05:00

When I was younger, I used to play out intricate scenes in my head. A lot of the time, they would be about something tragic- the school burning down, me being seriously injured, my parents becoming gravely ill. Sometimes I worry that I caused my father's fatal illness by thinking these things.

There's this post card sent to postsecret, though. And every time I think about it, even though I don't have it, I try to push the guilt away again. My family has an incurable disease. Most of the time, it does have my family. But it doesn't have to have me. Not anymore than it already does. It has done enough damage.

My family has a disease. And I have guilt. But guilt cannot have me. He has me. Life has me.

they knew it was only a matter of time

2008-11-06T23:49:00.002-05:00

Tuesday evening the USA elected its new President. It wasn't the one my father wanted; he voted for McCain. He would have voted for Clinton, had she won the nomination. 'He's a veteran', he said. 'POW'. My father's old prejudices sometimes show up even more now as he gets worse. Maybe it's just a trick of my imagination, but I feel like he regresses back to more instinctive lines of thought the more he deteriorates.

I watched the crowds scream and yell and cheer. I listened as my school rioted/rallied for over 2 hours. I listened and maybe cried as the President-Elect walked onto the stage and delivered his first speech as the future President. Most was because of the overwhelming story of the moment and the power. Because I was witnessing history. And because as I watched the grainy tv screen hundreds of miles from home, I realized that it might have been the last time my dad voted. Maybe it was the last time he'll watch as they call the states and the news anchors while away they time with idle facts and aimless trivia and speculation.

I don't know why, but that made me cry. And tonight, tonight it all seems so awful. Usually I don't think about my dad or I think about the entire mess of a situation. Or I think about how angry I am at him. But tonight, tonight I think about him. About the man I can't remember who carried me on his shoulders. He used to give me piggy back rides up the stairs. And read us stories. I'm trying so hard to remember more of him. He was there; why can't I remember?

He called today to ask me a question about Greggie. Dad wanted me to tell Greg directly; then he started looking for my mom. Or calling her. Whichever he was doing. As he called her, his voice broke; it sounded the same as when he came up with Chip for a night without her. He sounded so incredibly lost, so confused, so unsure of what was going on. His slurring is worse. Even with his repeating, I have to really listen to catch it. He sounds so vulnerable. It breaks my heart all over again.

And now I don't have just one flag covered coffin to worry about. Gregs wants to join the NROTC and become a Marine. He says no one respects him. He says there's no money for school. I can understand Greg wanting to feel like people respect him. I know that there's not a lot of money. But the Marines? I can't imagine my sweet, level headed, patient little brother as a Marine. With a gun in his hand? Kills me. Is he doing it to escape in case he has it, just like Mattie? I mean, Greg wants to become a math teacher. He deserves a huge house and a loving wife and kids and the perfect life. Not dust and sweat and blood and images beyond my comprehension.

And Mattie, if he does it too, that's three flags for my mom and I. So many destroyed by this stupid disease. So much. I want to make it better but I just don't know how. I don't know how to protect him. I don't have the money for Greg. I'm not patient enough anyway. Or good enough of a sister. I try, but I never try hard enough. If I did I would be good enough. I could protect them. I could make it better.

But oh my god, what if Gregory has it. That's not fair. I was the mean one, I was the one who was better in school, I'm the favorite. It's not fair! Greg should have the 18 15. Not me. Not me if he has it. Greg is nothing like dad. They've never gotten along the way Matt and he or my dad and I have. That is too cruel of a twist of fate. I won't know what to do. I got off okay. I went through the same thing Gregs did and up until he finds out, I can say I know exactly how he feels. But if he has it?

My survivors guilt and my anguish have nothing on him. And Mattie, oh Mattie, if he doesn't get himself killed before he turns 18...how do I protect my little brothers? Why? Why do I get to be okay and I have to sit here staring at them, as if my stare could someone magnify their cells, unwind their DNA, run the PCR and the gel to see how long the repeats are. Why do I get to be okay when they suffer? Why do I get the house and the kids and the life and they don't?

It's not fair. When I found out, I felt surprisingly little survivors guilt. I felt merely relief. Greg can tested in...9 months. Oh, god, 18 years ago it happened. 18 years ago and here we are. Which was it, which was the fastest, which made my little blond hair blue eyed brother with the easy laugh and the silly temperament, my partner in crime, who I played catch with and invented silly games with? And my other, dark haired ball of mischief with the irresistible smile who just wanted to do what everyone else was doing, who was always trying to catch up to Greg and I, who wants so desperately to feel like he has a family, to be protective of me, to be the man of the house?

I was 7 or 8 I think when the Oklahoma City bombings happened. I went into work with my mother. My brothers were too young to amuse themselves and this awesome day care was open somewhere around the old Bear Sterns building. It had a pirate shape. I wanted to stay so bad, but I was too old. My brothers got to instead. So my mom and I went to her work and we at some point heard about the bombings. I remember being outside, but I could be wrong. I heard a day care had gotten destroyed and being pretty young, I immediately freaked out that my brothers were in a day care and wanted to know if they were okay.

I don't remember being the best sister. In fact, I remember hitting them a lot. I remember doing stuff with them, but we were comrades, not friends. We played together and in a weird way, we were closer than some siblings I know but not even as close as others. I remember watching Saturday morning cartoons and fighting. I remember big forts and the frustration I felt when they ruined them. I remember them kind of always just being there. But they were the only ones always there.

I wish I could go back; I wish I could make it better so now I could be closer. I'm trying now, but it's hard to reach them. We're grown up. When we need each other, there's things only we understand. But we have our own support systems that don't involve each other.

They still drive me crazy. But I still would give up anything for them in a heartbeat if it meant they would be okay.

oh and i'm just waiting till the firing stops

2008-10-16T01:08:00.007-04:00

It's 1:08 and I can't sleep. Well I can. I am lying down in my bed. I have finished a sufficient amount of work. There is no one I am talking to online (except Sofa intermittently) and An and I are having a periodic conversation that can easily be interrupted to sleep. I have an 8:30. I will not sleep this weekend. I should sleep. I can't.

I am sitting here munching on goldfish and wondering just why. I lost my iPod in Port Authority and it was then swiped. I lost my license, my credit and debit card, my CharlieCard, my student ID...oh, yeah, and my iPod. Awesome. Then today I babysat and the family called a cab for me so they could watch the debate. I then left my laptop in the cab. Like a retard. Like a motherfucking retard. I don't understand. I just don't.

The level of anger I feel for myself right now is perhaps higher than I have ever felt before, though I have had extremely self-hating periods so maybe not. It was not helped by the fact I was talking to Chip and of course, of course I had to say stupid fucking things. Because I wasn't thinking. Apparently I never think! How can people say I am so smart? I have largely gotten over my self-deprecation, at least, to a serious degree. But I swear, it is taking a lot to not just fill this page with caustic wit to tear myself apart. Stupid hormones. I blame you.

And I just read how a junior at my town's high school suffered a brain hemorrhage from a JV football game. He's on life support or dead. Facebook and the news are not matching up. He's right between my brothers. His brain is swelling and his neurons are dying. And his family is watching. And he is dying. Or he is dead. All for a junior varsity football game against some goddamn prep school. People have died for more ridiculous things; but a high school JV football game?

It makes me being upset seem so stupid. It makes me angrier at myself and more frustrated. I learned this lesson already. I have learned and re-learned because haven't I lived it? Aren't I living it? Didn't I get ink embedded in my skin for this lesson? Don't stress over things like this. That's why I forgot the iPod. Dwelling on it would only make me more angry. So I didn't. So I wasn't thinking. So I didn't learn my lesson. So I'm again the idiot.

But he's dead. It's 1:27 and it all seems so ludicrous. Why am I up? Because I am upset. Why? Over something stupid that will be over tomorrow. Or the next day. I'm not even upset. I am sad. I am just sit here, stare at the wall, mind blank sorrow. Here's what I want to know. How d do you plan a funeral? Do you call the church and schedule it? "Hey, we need a priest and some sad music in the near future. Awesome." What about the funeral home? Who does this? Do you order a coffin? Is there a catalogue?

I'm sure I'll find this all out first hand. Who else is going to do it? My responsibility anyway. What about those cards they give out at wakes? How do they get them so fast? And who picks for that?

Because really, who is in a state of mind to pick? I don't even know this boy. I don't know the last name. I'm sure we have plenty of shared friends and I've probably even seen him before. What must his family be like? These morbid questions, the only ones who can answer them are the ones who probably forgot because of the immense amount of cortisol pumping through their system. I wonder what my mother will forget. I called her my mother. I really am out of it.

I am a mess. I want to be in his arms. I want to stop being angry. I want to shrink his brain and stop the bleeding. I want to replace the oxygen starved and pressure-killed neurons. I want to clear up the tangles. I want to be pulled around the rink again. I don't want to use the words father or mother. I want to use mom or dad. Or even mommy or daddy. I want to hug my brothers. I want to express my aching sadness so he does not think I am ignoring him or don't care and leave. I want to believe.

I want to sleep. So I can wake up. It will all be better in the morning. Or the morning after. Or the morning after. That will be a nice morning.

It's not that I don't value or respect death that I switch so unceremoniously. It is that death, or at least it's shadow, was what I grew up, really grew up with. I am a mess. But I know what's important. And it is not a computer. Or an iPod. It is not about not making mistakes. It is not about never fucking up. It's not about having people be happy with me always. It is getting past the mistakes. It is fixing it. It is being happy again. Death scared me happy.

But for now, sad is okay.

i believe that we are golden

2008-09-22T11:20:00.006-04:00

What is this. I think I have my life all figured out and then BAM. It completely re-assorts itself. Listen blogspot. It's a word because I damn well say it is (re-assort, that is.) Anyway. I should be continuing to fight through my chem problem set, or reading genetics, or doing genetics problems, or doing physics, or reading Brain & Behavior, or something actually useful. But no. I'm writing here. Thank God only Sofa reads this. I am for the first time realizing that even though I want to be open and share everything, the fact is is that even though things in the past are past, they still can hurt other people and then make my life difficult.

It's not that I didn't realize this before; this theoretically made sense. It's just that I never had direct experience with this. What do you expect? I've never been in a relationship before. It never mattered.

So as of my last post, I was all pessimistic about my future with Chip & semi-worried about school & thinking that as I would soon be single and desperately need a break, it would be a good idea to visit Tokyo at some point. Break in that passport. Chip kept insisting he wasn't ready for anything and that didn't stop me from becoming attached to him, but there was a small part of me I kept back- the part that gets me to throw myself into relationships. I was ready to get my heart dented, but not ready to get it smashed into little pieces even though I had had fair warning it was possible.

Is it really only 3 weeks later? All of a sudden, Chip & I are an almost forgone conclusion. All stable. I have no idea when this happened. Oh, I liked him a lot this summer. Don't get me wrong. But all of sudden I realize I'm falling and I just don't care. There's that thing, that damned thing I can't explain, that pulls me to him stronger than anything I've felt before. I'm that girl who spends all hours in her dorm talking to her boy. I'm that girl. What the hell? I've only known him since the end of June. I've only been involved with him since July. And it doesn't bother me. It doesn't freak me out.

He's freaked out about Masa though. Okay not freaked out. I have said things in an attempt to be open and reassuring and they have had the opposite affect. And I can see it. It looks, from his perspective, not good. I was with a guy who I stopped being with because he left. We didn't fight. I don't hate him. We're good friends. Our relationship is still playful and snarky. And for someone who's been cheated on and fears being left for another guy, Masa can't be an object of any positive emotion.

The truth is, I really liked Masa, I did. But we couldn't work out. He left and I was sad, but I had been expecting it. Our relationship had an ending point from the beginning. I was just as upset to lose my friend as anything else. My romantic feelings for Masa have reverted back to their affectionate friendly roots. I wanted to go to Tokyo for the experience of Tokyo and to see my friend. If Chip and I were no longer together, then would something happen? I don't know. But if we were/are, ignoring the fact I wouldn't/won't go, nothing would happen except getting him to take me to good restaurants, good natured ribbing and catching up.

And the other truth is, I like Chip a ridiculous amount and in a way that I didn't like Masa. Or maybe I couldn't like Masa, because he was leaving. But even so, Chip and I have known each other for less time and yet...there's a connection and a sense of the future about Chip that wasn't there with Masa. And really. I said I wasn't interested in finding anyone, that I was too busy, that I was done with guys- and look at me! I wouldn't have done this for just any guy. I wouldn't have done this for a decent guy. It is a testament to how much I like him, the fact that I'm with him at all right now. Okay shut up. I know that was not proper English grammar. Wasn't even German. I don't care.

I can't figure it out. Chip is pretty much everything I want in a guy, down to the exact words he says. It's not just abstract personality traits, it's in everything he does. It's in how he calls me to say good morning and how he works just as hard as I do at this. It's in how he's not afraid to tell me how he feels (or if he is, he doesn't let it affect him) and how he's straightforward about everything. He has his faults, don't get me wrong. It bothers me on some level that his paranoia does affect how much he trusts me, even though I completely understand it. Not that we've hardcore fought, but the mini ones have involved aggravation from the things he'll say.

But I have faults too. And who said it was going to be easy? I also accidentally began the incidents, so it wasn't like he started it. I'm just clumsy. And easily made nervous. Even by someone who fits perfectly into what I want in a guy. And he's probably in some way hurt by that. Nothing to be done but work through it until our scars don't harm the other.

Anyway. I really should get a move on it. I need to eat shower and get my laundry done. Please, someone tell me who let me get myself into all of this. Too much work. But suck it chem lab and problem set. On to genetics. Huzzah.

i said i think i'm going to Boston

2008-08-18T16:46:00.006-04:00

So the summer is basically over. I had today off and I get tomorrow and Saturday off as well. After that I work every day except for Thursday until I leave on the Sunday after next, so this is pretty much my last big break before I go to the craziness. Seriously. I'm taking 5 classes- Physics, Chem, Genetics, German and Brain and Behavior. 4 of those classes have recitations. Physics and Chem also come with labs. I work 10 hours a week in the chem department. And I want to work at one of the Apple stores, which means I have to work an additional 12 hours a week there. And there's commute time.

Basically, I can kiss my social life goodbye when I go back to school. I don't know if I can handle it. It was pretty busy last semester. This semester I'm working more in the lab, much more class time, harder classes and add another job onto it? And, you know, I'd like to keep my GPA at least where it is. I can accept a B in Physics or Chem, but not both. All other As.

And of course, I need to go home sometimes...oh well. I have a bad habit of biting off more than I can chew but I always manage eventually. I need the money. I can't pass up the extra 100 bucks a week from the Apple store. That's books, food, clothes. I need new shoes, new shirts, a new comforter....and with my mom still out of a job and the economy the way it is, I can't justify not working two jobs. If I could make 175-200 a week at the Chem department I would- but I can't. It's going to be hard. I can't be slacking off. But I can handle it.

And then maybe I can go somewhere cool for Spring Break. Canadia, Mexico, Tokyo... Not that I know if I'm going to want to go; right now I'd go, but if I have a boyfriend / friend with benefits it might be hard to go to Japan to see Masa. I miss him as a friend, but I can see where that might bother a new guy in my life if I had one. I can see where it would really bother someone new. But if I'm left for someone easier, closer to home (story of my life), then who knows. It's really far too early to be thinking about it, but air fare is so much cheaper thinking about it now rather than in January.

On the other hand, I'm still the only one working. Greg works but doesn't save and Mattie doesn't work. What if my mom hasn't found a job by then? That money could pay off some loans, pay some bills, go towards tuition, insurance, something. Still, I think a break is in order. I don't know. Too early to worry too much about it. I hate planning things like that- I like thinking about it and figuring out how to do it, but planning it exactly bothers me. At the same time, I have to think about it now.

Planning out how I'd do something also makes me feel better. Finding a problem I may or may not face and then going through the details of how I'd get around it or through it or otherwise survive it makes it less scary and controllable. Not that traveling is scary, but it would involve planning- how much I can spend, how to save it, what I'd have to cut back on.

Bah, I'm sleepy. And I'm going out tomorrow so I'm going to sleep so I don't sleep through all of tomorrow. Oh, I'm so responsible when seeing Chip is involved

such boundless pleasure, we've no time for later now

2008-07-27T12:18:00.008-04:00

I am a generally happy person. Despite my dying father, being the most competent adult in the household, constantly losing people who are so important to my life, my three and a half year jaunt with my own mortality hanging over me and all the other normal stresses and drama that come along with being a human being, a vast majority of the time I feel happy or even very happy. This happiness is a product of concentrated effort to appreciate all I had, to take exactly what was in front of me and never look back, to content myself with what I had and not spend too much time bemoaning what I couldn't have. Not to say I don't complain; I complain more than anyone I know. Much of what I say doesn't reflect how I feel inside; saying it is what releases my inner resentment at perceived unfairness and stress.

In many way this is a successful ploy. I am happy. My aim was accomplished. It's been almost a year since I found out I don't have Huntington's. Hm, I should try to find that piece of paper. I wanted to frame it and you'd think me, the ultimate packrat, would have enshrined that thing. Aha, found it. Sometimes, though, I still feel as if I'm living like I'm dying. There's this certain frantic edge to what you do, a grasping hold where you grab onto anything, no matter how tenuous, to feel more. You take what you can get and endeavor to deeply experience everything and regret nothing.

There's sayings everywhere that encourage one to live as if they were dying, and in a lot of ways it's true. More than once I've decided to do something just for the hell of it, and if sometimes I'm reckless, I'm okay with that. Everything from staying up late to sleeping with someone has resulted from a 'Fuck it' moment directly tied to a desire to live life for everything it has to offer. And I love it almost all the time. I love feeling alive, I love feeling as though I've accomplished something, I love being able to do nothing at all and just by appreciating the moment it's something.

But at other times, I wonder if appreciating everything has led me to settle for less. I wonder if taking what I can get and accepting it has led me to miss out on things I could have gotten had I pushed for it. For instance, I've met some (two) truly amazing guys. I've had a lot of fun and learned a lot and been changed a lot for the better by them. But I have never been told 'I love you' (well, my freshman-year-in-high-school-'boyfriend' might have, but it doesn't count). I have never had a serious boyfriend, never been in a serious relationship-relationship with the titles and number 2 on speed dial thing. I've never celebrated anniversaries or been introduced as 'my girlfriend'. I'm just 19 and a half, I guess it's not that unusual, but considering how I've had serious physical relationships (notice the plural) and they have come with emotional connections, it makes me wonder.

On one hand my recklessness pushes me towards taking what I can get- the more than friends but less than dating relationships I constantly get myself into. They care about me and I care about them; we both have fun; who needs to hear I love you, anyway? On the other hand, I wonder if this is what's preventing me from being in the stable kind of relationship I really want. I don't think it's that I'm not datable. I just think that I get in situations where dating is not an option.

Then again, maybe a stable relationship is what I want but not what I need. Maybe that one more fucking person leaving me would be what pushes me over the edge into cynicism and general hatred of mankind. Maybe this way I get almost everything I want without as much of the danger of the rest. I don't know. See, this is the rationalization that goes on in my head that makes me happy. Or helps keep my happiness intact. It's probably a bad time to be dating anyway; after a certain period of time I have to leave the person or they have to leave me because I live in different places.

Oh, who really cares. I'm living fast and sometimes I worry I'll crash, but when it comes down to it I'm not going to change how I'm living very much. I have plans for the future but none for tomorrow and that's exactly how I like it. I live spontaneously and planned, laid back and frantic and while it makes life crazy I can't imagine it any other way. While sometimes I worry- will I find someone who actually wants to say I love you to me and does say it, someone who wants to spend the rest of their life with me who I want to spend the rest of my life with- I'm only 19 and a half. I have plenty of time to worry about that in 5 years.

It will all work out. I do live slightly less frantically than I did. The other day someone told me 'You've been dying since you were born' and I didn't even connect it with the morbid thoughts I'd usually get until today. I see mothers with children and it doesn't make me sad. I'm getting used to the idea that my death doesn't have to hang over everything I do. I'm just like any other person my age, I'm normal.

You know, I should probably stop bashing on myself as much. I'm going to be me for a long, long time (barring any unforeseen circumstances just like anyone else). I'm going to be me!

And since that concept made me so happy and continues to make me so happy, I should be less hard on myself. Even though I have my faults (like the fact I continuously talk about myself, geez, talk about boring) I have all this time now. So many possibilities and so many opportunities. The world is so much bigger and even though it's uglier than I can comprehend, it's larger and more beautiful than I can imagine. And as long as I remember that, because I can remember that, I'll be happy.

Screw worrying. There are bad sides to every choice I've ever made and there are undoubtedly consequences to my contradictory approach to life- but I've already decided it was more than worth the risk. It will all work out in the end.

And there is someone out there for me, and if he can't put up with my intensity or if he misses out on me because of the way I live, then he's not the one for me, is he now.

i wanna wake up where you are

2008-07-18T12:45:00.008-04:00

Yeah so I wrote like 5 paragraphs of a post and I just deleted them all. I might regret it later but oh well. A new topic has come to my mind and I'd rather write about it than whatever I was writing about. Though I do need to re-iterate my aggravation with my situation to preface this. I have found two very different but awesome guys in the past 9 months. They're both sweet, nice, funny and intelligent. They both make me laugh and make my day and they are two kinds of guys I would gladly date. However, one lives thousands of miles away. The other will live a few hundred miles away when I go back to school. This doesn't sound like that much, particularly not when said right after a distance that inarguably ends any chance of a relationship. But with gas prices sky high, the economy in a recession and with a ridiculous course load, the distance puts some serious strain on the possibility of anything.

Here is my quandary. The first of these guys is obviously Masa. Masa was (and is) great. I consider him a good friend and at this point I believe that he's affected my life for the better more than any other guy as of yet. Okay fine, that only includes Phil, but whatever. However, he lives in Tokyo. I got over him because I saw no other option. He's gone and I miss him- but he's not coming back as far as I can see.

And now there's Chip. Our relationship isn't serious; we're not dating. He's not ready for it and I'm okay with that. But it's regardless an exclusive thing. He saw texts from Masa and got a bit weird about it; he didn't get upset or angry, but I understand the less that thrilled reaction. If he had (or has) saved texts from an ex I would seriously doubt whether he was ready for anything right now. I keep them because I'm scared of forgetting what's happened to me and he said he understands, but still.

So now I'm caught in between what I had and what I might have. I don't want to hurt Chip or make it seem as though I'm not over Masa. The fact is is that I am. I thought in May it would take me longer, but it wasn't one of those things that had possibility. At the same time, I don't want to hurt Masa. He's still a good friend of mine and I don't want to lose him. I don't want him to think that I don't care or that he didn't mean anything to me because I care a lot and he still means a lot to me. I just happened to find someone really awesome faster than I expected.

And I suppose this seems stupid to anyone reading this. It's not like Chip and Masa know each other at all. There's no reason I can't accomplish this- making sure Chip knows I'm over Masa and into him and he's not a rebound in the slightest and that Masa knows I've moved on romantically but that I still want him in my life. But I feel awful. Maybe I'm just worrying about nothing; I've talked to Chip about the texts and I do believe that he would tell me if he had a problem, and while Masa hasn't answered my IMs, he might just be busy or overwhelmed, not upset. I just feel as though that's not the case, not with Masa. When it comes down to it, Masa is thousands of miles away and could just fade into my past. But I don't want that.

I don't want to keep gaining and losing these people. I had to lose Masa in the romantic sense. It wasn't anything he or I did; it was the situation. But I don't want to lose my friend. I don't want him to think it's anything personal. At the same time, I don't want to Chip to think he's just second best, just the guy I'm settling for because I can't have the one I really want, because it's not that either, not even close. Chip is awesome like whoa.

Fuck distance. Fuck that no one has invented teleporters yet. That would solve the energy crisis. Fuck that I can't make things right. And fuck that I'm leaving again so soon! At least I didn't meet them both at the same time and have to choose. Masa is great. Chip though...I don't know, there's something about him or the way I feel about him or us that is different than anything I've felt before that I can't explain at all, but I do know that even though I know Masa pretty well and I've known Chip less than a month, I would find the decision insanely difficult. And coming from a person who needs to know someone to feel comfortable and needs to be comfortable for the relationship to work best, that's really saying something about how much I like Chip. What am I going to say in four months, when it's actually a comparable thing?

Oh shit. Look at this. This is supposed to be the more mature journal where I write about ideas instead of people, about concepts instead of events. I'm supposed to ponder bigger things or at least talk about the 'higher' ground. For instance, instead of comparing the guys in my life, I should postulate on how important differences and similarities are in making relationships work. Aaahhhh damnit.

Oh well. It's ironic, how this situation is amazing and sucky. I have these great guys but these odd situations. Whatever. What happens, happens and I fully intend to take what I can get and enjoy every moment I have with Chip and not worry about what might occur later. We'll either work out or not and worrying about it won't change it. If I had wasted my time in April worrying about Masa and I, I would have been incredibly mad at myself. I don't intend to start letting any qualms I have about the future fuck up my present. Not now. Not ever.

I need to go get my brother. Ohhhhh chauffeuring.

maybe you're gonna be the one that saves me

2008-07-09T08:29:00.000-04:00

This post has been in production for well over a week. I've finally decided to finish the damn thing (heavily changing it, of course). Anything to keep me awake. I go to sleep late and wake up early, and I just napped for about 3 hours. It's only 5:48 I'm tired as balls. That's a funny expression. Can balls be tired? I thought they only hurt when they were aggravated.

Strange, though. At school I woke up earliest at 8:07 and I typically went to sleep by 12 or 1. Now I wake up at 6:40 or 7:40 or on oh-so-joyous days, 8:40. And I still go to sleep at 12 or 1. But I feel so much less tired, so much more inclined to get out of bed. Which is actually rather awesome. Because I'm either becoming more resistant to sleep deprivation (like Sofa) or it's just for the summer- but who cares? This is when I'd rather be more resistant to requiring excessive sleeps.

So bad things? Problems with friends from home & my family have been driving me up the wall. Good things? There is so this really cute guy at work who I really like hanging out with and he gives awesome hugs. Like, it's hard to give a bad hug. But his hugs are excellent. And I'm not just saying it to say it just because he's interested in me and I'm interested in him.

Here's the thing though- he just got out of a relationship and even though it's been almost 2 months since I left school and 1 week since I've heard from Masa, it really hasn't been that long. What is the appropriate time periods before you can be interested (even a little) in someone else? I know they say it's when you're ready for it, but there has to be a point at which it's just skanky. Here's the other thing- he lives far away from me now. In a few months (Christ, 2 months) he'll be even farther away from me. How come I find two guys in a row who are awesome and amazing, who are so different from one another except in this one thing, this one similarity that is their only shortcoming: they live or will live more than 200 miles away from me?

That was truly atrocious grammar. I apologize.

I'm going to switch to an almost completely unrelated topic. Oh no, wait! I must add a short description of this guy. If he turns out to be a permanent fixture in my life, he'll get added to the original list of characters. I introduce Chip (it's his nickname), a fellow Apple employee (for now). Recently graduated. Tall & cute. Really sweet. Really nice. Really smart. Really awesome. Really need to find a better superlative than really.

So originally this was going to be about something else, but I no longer find it relevant. The current topic is my inability to be in a relationship that's anything but friends with benefits. I'm always either not looking or looking for a boyfriend. I find great guys. Or I think I do, in the case of Phil. But it always ends up this way- basically dating but not. I've been with two guys and I have yet to have a serious boyfriend. Now another friends with benefits situation is on my hands and I just have to laugh.

How many times do I say I want a boyfriend, I want a nice stable steady relationship and a guy I can count on- and how many times do I end up in this situation? Honestly, it just makes me laugh. And not in a cynical and bitter kind of way, in a genuinely amused way. I'd love a boyfriend. I want the romance and the cute texts and the knowledge that there's someone out there who would do anything for you and loves you and all that. I want the adorable stories and the cards and the romantic gestures. I really do. But I don't want to miss something else that would be almost as good waiting for something I think is better.

Friends with benefits hasn't always worked out for me. I always get attached. Way too attached. Sometimes they fuck me over (-Cough-Phil-Cough) and sometimes they just off and disappear to Europe (Damn Masa). On the other hand, this doesn't mean they didn't work out for me. Phil, as much as I hate to admit it now, as much as he did cause and do bad things, did also affect my life in good ways. It could have ended a lot worse between us. The first guy is important, but so is the first guy to treat you right if those two are not the same guy. Neither of them are as important as the last guy.

So no, I don't want to end up with all these relationships that meant a lot to me but not as much to them. I don't want to look back and realize that I engaged in a cycle of telling myself something meant something to make myself feel better about the fact that I was sleeping with someone who couldn't be bothered to date me. I don't want to be that girl. I don't want to brainwash myself into things anymore.

On the other hand, I do honestly believe that you don't need to date someone to truly care about them or even love them. You don't need the title of boyfriend or girlfriend to show that you care. And much as I don't want to regret anything, there's something I don't want even more.

I don't want to end up forgetting what I've learned from my past. When I thought that I might carry that awful disease, I told myself that I was going to live fast and hard. I never wanted to waste time fighting or being upset if I could possibly help it. I wanted to feel every single second of my life because I never knew when it would end. I'm a little different now. I don't need to live as fast. But now I never want to lose that intense desire to live. I named this blog infinitebloomabilities and that's what I don't want to forget. Bloomabilities is this word from this book that I loved, it came out when I was like 9. In it, this kid uses the word bloomabilities for possibilities because he's all ESL like that.

But the whole book gives off this feeling of life being something so great and wide and vast and the characters are in love with it, even though it sucks sometimes, even though bad things happen. I don't want to forget that the possibilities in this world are endless and that not risking anything is the best way to lose what you want. In a lot of ways I have matured since high school. I can't be that same person who wore that uniform and slaved away for four years. I can, however, be who that person wanted to be- happy, more secure, always appreciating what she has, never saying no to something because it might end badly, always ready to do something a little crazy and never ever letting her fear get in the way of doing something that has the possibility of being amazing.

So I can see where this friends with benefits thing might hurt me. I've been through it twice before; I know where the pitfalls are and I know the dangers. And I don't care. You only live once and I'd rather do something and wish I hadn't than not do something and wish I did. Life is a sucky place right now in a lot of ways. I don't want to lose sight of the marvelous adventure it can be. This all sounds so cliché. Oh well. I'd rather love and lose than not love at all. And I'd rather enjoy what I have now than worry about losing it. What will happen in August will happen. He could be the most amazing thing to happen to me thus far.

And if not? Well, that's what chocolate chip cookies and friends with bats, clubs and evil intent are there for.

i'll give it as fast and as high as the flame will rise

2008-06-29T21:56:00.003-04:00

Today I deleted Phil's number from my phone. It was entirely an accident; I was trying to delete just one number from his contact numbers and it ended up deleting the whole entry. I stared at my phone for about a minute. On one hand, why do I need the number anymore? Because of his psychotic girlfriend who keeps him on such a short leash it's a wonder he doesn't choke and because of my complete apathy, there's no reason I'd want to contact him again. Not that I can think of. I thought about re-adding it, as I don't delete any of the numbers in my phone. I figure it might always come in handy. I know the number now but I'm sure I'll forget it soon. It would figure that I can remember the number but not to do things when I should do them. Like go to sleep or leave my house.

It's just...odd. It's only hitting me now how far away I am from who I was a year ago. The reason I wanted to delete one contact number was because my phone was mistakenly attributing texts from Chrissy to Phil, as she was IMing me, but it was saying that Phil was sending them. When I first opened my phone and it said NEW TEXT FROM PHIL my first thought was of a complete letdown-- Damn, it's not who I wanted it to be from .

Obviously a year ago that was my very favorite screen to see. Now it simply inspires mild curiosity. I'm also more confident and....I don't know, different. Last year- or really, two years ago- I would have bent over backwards for my friends, particularly Jamie. I went out of my way every time. Not that I won't do that now- I'm still hopelessly devoted to my friends- but there's this line now where I do do stuff for me. My friends might be my primary concern, but I'm no longer a very far away third. I recognize that at a certain point I need to be there for myself too. This has not gone over well with Jamie. It comes off as self-absorption, apparently.

See, this is a very boring, melodramatic and high school-y post, but I'll try my best to make it more about the abstract concepts.

I stuck by her through everything. I resent very deeply that I stuck by her, but now that I'm not living up to her ideal that, she seems all too willing to just let our friendship go. I don't blame her for what she did and I don't think because she acted badly that I should be able to do as I please. I do however feel as if she owes me, sort of. Like, you let someone cut in front of you in bumper to bumper traffic even though it inconveniences you. You don't do it because you expect anything in return. However, should there be a situation in which you need to cut in front of them, they should be willing to oblige this. You allowing them to cut you does not mean you are justified in cutting them off 'just cause', but they should be more lenient than another driver because you did the same for them.

It's exactly the same thing with Jamie. I haven't even close to reached her levels, but I can see how I never get out of the house on time and I have a hard time separating my time up fairly. In the past two weeks I've worked what works out to around two full 40 hour work weeks with only two days off. Each day I work you have to add on another 1-1.5 hours for my commute. This has been mainly at the cost of my sleep, but I also have friends at home and friends from school I'd like to keep in touch with. In what free time I have, it seems as if I spend a lot of time doing nothing-- and then everyone wants me at once. Jamie and I hang out, An calls, Sofa and Masa are online and I've worked a 9 hour day so I'm exhausted as it is.

It's not an excuse. I should be better on time and I should stick better to plans, but I've always been awful at getting the hell out of the house. I know I can do a better job. But at the same time, I resent that I have to change. Once again, the problem is my fault and I need to alter my behavior. This time it is me who needs to change but still I resent it subconsciously to a point that it's hard for me to be repentant to the extent I should be.

This is the dilemma. Who's right? Am I really wrong to be using what I've done in the past as a standard of how she should act? Maybe I am. I don't know. All I know is that this is a little too much like the merry-go-round that was high school, and this is why I wanted to get the fuck out of this state. I'm sick of having to fight. I'm sick of being the one who has to care more. She seems like she cares more but it seems to me she bails too easy to care. But maybe I'm reading it wrong. I haven't slept much. I probably am wrong.

I just want a hug. A really big hug. I want us to either move past high school and have me not be held to those standards of who I was then or I want her to meet the standards of how I acted. I want to not have to feel like this anymore. This is part of the reason why we're like this- I try to discuss shit and she doesn't respond. I can't just keep waiting. I can't put myself through that anymore.

I also really need my fucking electricity to stop going the fuck out. Alright, though now that on my 3rd post I've mostly failed to keep this abstract and my livejournal the place for the rants, I'll survive. I'll get my hug tomorrow. That'll make it better. As will the chocolate chip cookies from ABP (Au Bon Pain). Yummmmm

first we run and then we laugh till we cry

2008-06-19T15:56:00.004-04:00

Damnit. For the past two days I've had all of these ideas running through my head as to what I'd write about. "No," I told myself, "You must wait at least until Thursday to post again. Just wait. Ruminate on what you're going to say." And here I am, finally 'allowed' to write and...I've forgotten what I wanted to write about. There are always my reliable fallbacks- how annoyed I am teleporters do not exist/the fact that a certain someone has not been online to amuse me since Saturday (no, seriously, the fact that he is in Switzerland/Italy is just not an excuse), the latest in the soap opera that is Phil, a pointless iTunes survey that entertains no one but me- but they're so hackneyed. Yeah, I've decided I should put my SAT vocabulary to good use. That way if Masa ever finds this he'll have to use the dictionary at least twice per paragraph. It's not pretentious. It's my way of annoying from afar.

Alright enough with the jokes that aren't applicable to anyone actually reading this. Oh yeah, that's what I was going to write about. That sound is me doing a victory dance. Grande Green Tea Lattes + Me = Enough energy to solve the energy crisis. Well, at least for the US. I can't help China. Not yet. I was going to write about how I claim to be writing for no one, as only Sofa (and maybe Tyler or Matt) will read this, and yet I endeavor to be charming and witty all the same. In addition, wouldn't it be rather odd to craft these just for me to peruse them later?

Then again, maybe if I didn't write them (or type them- in this day and age, do I have to specify?) I would actually talk people's ears off. You know, like, in Harry Potter Dumbledore's got that Pensieve thing to siphon off his excess thoughts. Perhaps this is the only way I can, because I clearly am not magic like them. I almost said 'because I don't have a wand', and then I realized that joke would only degrade. And I prefer my inappropriate jokes to be just a little more unique.

OH I FORGOT ABOUT THE GAME DAMNIT! Germany is playing Portugal. Germany is owning Portugal. I'm really rather aggravated at ESPN. They have this ESPN360 thing where you can see the games- but only with Verizon or some other provider. Max watched tennis at school now. I should call him and ask. I miss soccer. Dunno if I can even play. Even though there's nothing physically wrong with my knee, it still aches. Oh, and I'm wicked out of shape. I don't know if I could even run a mile and a half. YEAH THAT'S RIGHT PORTUGAL! Deutschland hat gewonnen! I need to practice my German. I've forgotten so much of it.

Anyway. Oh man, I'm going to add that to my list of things to do one day- go to a Euro Cup or World Cup game in Europe. The games are exciting enough as it is through the tv- I can't even imagine what they'd be like with all the riotous fans. I want to watch the game tomorrow but I have to work. It's really too bad that the only TV we have in there just replays scenes from movies over and over again. It should be put to better use. Namely, supplying me with entertainment. Hey, it'll increase my patience level with customers. Yes sir, I will tell you FOR THE FOURTH TIME IN THE PAST 10 MINUTES, we do not have the iPhone, being as it is not yet July 11th. Yes, that's when it's coming out. No, we don't have the old one. No, you do not have the right to be annoyed with me for this, but thanks for letting me continue my pattern of answering.

Oh damn. I want to continue my witty, but I've been distracted by the thought of a completely different rant. Mainly about boys. And this is not the place for said rant. It clearly violates the separation of purpose between my two journals. Thus, off I go.

Plus I should probably eat, having had nothing but half a bagel sandwich. Ah Jersey, what do I do without your bagels?

if i could i'd only want to make you smile, if you would just stay with me a while

2008-06-17T15:23:00.012-04:00

So. Here we are, a brand new blog. Now that dear Tokyo has discovered my other blog, I've been forced to create a new one. I have no idea who exactly will read this; probably no one. But just in case someone does, I have decided that it's best to begin with a list of the persons who will be populating this. I also would prefer to keep the purpose of the two journals separate, or else I would end up neglecting one in favor of the other. However, I have not yet decided what to assign to which journal, except for the fact that this will be more for literary merit and my livejournal will continue to witness my rants.

Still, a list of characters is needed. Just in case I renege on said decision or use important people in my ponderings. Since chances are none of them will ever read it (or if they do, it'll only be people I really like and thus people who I wouldn't write anything bad about) I'll just use their actual names.

DRAMATIS PERSONAE

Me: A 19 year old college student at a school around Boston. Female, clearly. Not the most laid back person in the world but is trying to be calmer (sometimes). Biology major and German minor. Resides in Jersey when not at school. Like other Jersey Girls, believes she comes from the best state ever. Loves music and books and soccer and figure skating. Very sarcastic. Works at an Apple retail store and in the chem department at school.

Family: Father, old, ill, demented. Mother, not as old, sweet but at times frustrating. Greg, 16 (almost 17), brother, pretty cool. Matt, 15, other brother, can be cool but occasionally throws temper tantrums like a toddler. Comet and Sabrina are the cats. Comet is fat and affectionate and a catnip addict. 'Brina loves playing with things, particularly mice. I also enjoy thinking up new nicknames for her. Blitz and Max are the dogs. Blitz is the mama's dog everyone loves. Max still acts like a puppy. Steals my socks for toys and incessantly tries to lick my face.

An: Freshman year roommate, member of the forced triple (also called the sexy friendship triple, as though the school forced us together, we did not complain). Sophomore year roommate as well. Wicked awesome. Can fall asleep in mostly anything, including late night conversations, and then wakes up to add a hilarious one-liner to the conversation. Hair advisor and okay-er of my outfits. My words fail in my pathetic attempt to describe the awesomeness that is my roomie. Also can be a bitch. But cooks for me. All is good. Listens to all my BS. Loves me anyway.

Chip: Met at the birthplace of my hatred for iPhones & AT&T, i.e the Apple Store. Worked with me for a short while. Recently graduated from college. Really tall. Really funny. Really cute. Really amazing. My words will simply fall short at my pathetic attempt to describe this awesomeness. Both exactly like me and exactly my opposite- shares my enjoyment of all things random but likes dark chocolate. But I like him enough to pardon him for his ridiculous tastes in chocolate. Which means a whole lot.

Chrissy: Friend from high school, since freshman year. Shares German & Polish jokes and occasionally food. Understands the deep meaning of kielbasa euphemisms. Is dating Tom. Was set up by me. Sometimes is deeply indebted to me for this, at other times hates my guts.

Fuzzy/Jess: Friend from skating. Friends since I was like 10. Looks younger than any of my other friends for all that she's almost 21. Love her anyway. Love making fun of her too.

Jamie: Other member of the triple. Dancer extraordinaire. Not living with us next year, but will miss us so much she probably will take up residence on our floor. Short but the scary when angered. Nocturnal by nature, she inspired intense jealousy in me by waking up at 1 PM and going to sleep at 2 AM many days. Witnessed many walks of shame. Enjoys calling me Ms. Gang Bang. Loves me anyway.

JamieJame: Best friend. We bonded over the dead carcass of EFF, the frog we dissected freshman year in high school. We've had our share of issues but are good now. Has an awesome pool and jacuzzi. Enjoys nature peeing. Has joke alternate personalities. Is incredibly ridiculous and hilarious a majority of the time. Now goes to Notre Dame. Yeah, bitches, I have smart friends.

Katie: (Not me, Katie B). First friend in high school. We met January of 8th grade when interviewing for the scholarship for high school. My travel buddy, even though we can't live together. My advisor for pretty much anything girly. My advisor for most other things too. Now goes to Cornell. Likes Gnomes. Also likes alcohol. But who doesn't?

Kim: Friend from college. Only other bio major friend. We spent many mornings and many nights mutually agreeing the chemistry department is evil and needs to die somewhere. Awesome.

Masa: Known also as Tokyo. This really annoying, obnoxious senior (now graduated) was in my German recitation for two semesters. Lured me to his house with offers of tea when I was coming down with tonsillitis at the end of November. Good friend & brief but important relationship as he showed me how awful Phil truly was and what I deserved. Now resides in Tokyo. While occasionally we can be nice, our usual encounters involve repeated insults and snarky comments.

Max: Birthday buddy from college. Also only birthday buddy. 3 or 6 hours younger than me. Awesome. Plays guitar for me. Taught me to play a song on guitar. Another science person. I use his room as a place to study when my room is too distracting or when I'm upset. Awesome. (He gets two awesomes.)

NatNat: We met because we both dated this guy Zak. This was in my freshman year of high school. First she hated me. Now we're good friends. Amazingly talented. We enjoy driving down the shore at midnight. Also called NatNat Panda.

Nicole: A friend of Fuzzy's who is now my friend. Also goes to school in the Boston area. Occasionally drives me nuts. I still love her though.

Phil: Also known as ExBoy. He was the first boy I kissed and my first time. And the first guy to cheat on me. All in all we were together for about 16 months. Now has a new girlfriend who's paranoid and suspicious who is my favorite person to hate. As I found out he cheated on me after he got owned in bed by an Asian, I wasn't nearly as upset as I would have been. We now no longer talk. I still occasionally enjoy talking about the entire situation though; it's better than daytime soaps.

Sarah: The only other white girl in the Harem. The Harem consists of the triple, Sofa, Kim, Sarah and Vicky. We all lived in the same dorm. Boys obviously gave us this name. Math and Dance Goddess. Also says blessings over the Jewish wine we drink.

Sofa: Lived next door to me at school. Still technically lives next door to me, since I live in North Jersey and she lives in the city. Probably the only person who will read this blog. Is massively well endowed. Constantly summoned to my room by a high pitched SOFAAAAAAA that I would shriek down the hall. Loves American Eagle as much as I do. Occasional Travel Buddy. Awesome beyond words.

Tom: Dates Chrissy. Co-worker, as he helped me get the job at Apple. Occasionally very useful; occasionally also a huge pain in the ass. A good friend for all that we bash on each other constantly. Set me up with Phil. I forgave him.

Zak: My first boyfriend, for all that we never so much as kissed. Friend from the beginning of middle school. After dating in freshman year of high school, we reverted back to being awesome friends. Really tall. My guy guru.

And whew, what a long first post. If any of these people happen to read this and don't like their name being used, please alert me. I will be more than happy to think up an appropriate nickname. I also clearly did not include certain people. It is not that I do not love them or they are not important to my life; they just are not necessarily going to pop up in any post. So don't be hurt!

Well, my introductory post is over now. Mainly because I need to get my ass moving and get to work to tell yet more people No, we do not have the iPhone yet. I still love my job though. I usually like to end my posts in a concise, not cliché, well-pulled-together way. Can't think of a way to. And somehow, I don't think telling my boss that that's why I'm late is going to go over very well. So no thought provoking and satisfying last sentence for you. Or me.

Damn.